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Boyfriend wanted to use an old tube of lubricant during sex but I got upset because he's used it with previous partners. Am I being silly?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Sex, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (16 June 2017) 16 Answers - (Newest, 23 June 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, anonymous writes:

Hi Everyone,

So I have a bit of an awkward question, but genuinely don't know if I'm overreacting and too embarrassed too ask friends/family.

So my boyfriend of 1 year has had a tube of lubricant in his drawer for a while, I noticed it a while ago but never mention anything he had it way before we got together.

He wanted to use it last night and I got quite upset because I don't want to use something that he used with his previous partner.

He doesn't understand how that is weird in the slightest, but i think it is really odd?

Please can you tell me if I'm blowing it out of proportion.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (23 June 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYou cannot help how you feel, so don't allow anyone to tell you that you are being over dramatic. We are all different and if this makes you uncomfortable then you have the right to feel that way. The best thing to do here, is to buy a new bottle that you and he can use together.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway + , writes (18 June 2017):

chigirl agony auntDont be dramatic. Just simply tell him you dont feel comfortable using lubricant he used with an ex, and thats that. No need for fuzz.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2017):

While lots of people wouldn't care ...I am with you I would never use anything that's been used as part of a passed sexual relationship ..I wouldon't not use sexy undies on two different men ..it's weird .... but to get over this tAke your guy to a sex shop and get some fun things together

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A male reader, Capri2 Argentina +, writes (18 June 2017):

You are in your right. No one (or at least most people) wants to be reminded of their SO having sex with someone else. He should have dropped that long time ago and got a new one.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2017):

Don't let anyone tell you how you should or shouldn't feel,

If that's how you felt then that's how you felt, everybody is different in the way they feel about things, and if you felt upset then that's fine and no I don't think your over reacting as certain things in our lives can remind us.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (17 June 2017):

Yes!

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (17 June 2017):

YouWish agony auntOne thing I'd want to know is - is the bottle a silicone-based lube or is it a water-based lubricant?? That's actually important here, as a silicone-based is more often used for anal sex, while it's imperative to use a water-based lube for vaginal sex.

I would personally want a new bottle of lube, especially since if he's breaking it out at the ONE-YEAR mark, that means you either waited a year to have sex with him, OR you're talking anal sex here!

Here's the thing - usually, when there's anal sex happening, that bottle's getting applied by hands that are already slick with bodily fluids, as I'm HOPING that anal isn't happening with zero foreplay involved.

Also, even though lube has a shelf life of a few years, already ONE YEAR has passed at least between you and whoever used that lube last. Good bet that sucker's expired.

I'd toss that lube and get a new bottle. You're worth it!

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (17 June 2017):

It's only lube! He's also using the same penis.

I know there's an ick-factor involved here.

Buy him a new tube! Problem solved!

I hope he uses condoms regardless.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2017):

No not silly at all. Lubricant is a synthetic substitute for a females lubrication . Therefore it's ' her' substitute secretions he wants to rub on your genitals

Tell him to at least be bothered to treat you like someone unique not just another hole

Men can be so gross

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (16 June 2017):

N91 agony auntYeah, I think you're overreacting.

You're not watching a sex tape of him with a previous partner, you were about to use some lube, to have sex, with HIM.

Maybe if it was a sex toy now that would be a completely different story. But a tube of lube? Come on.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (16 June 2017):

Honeypie agony auntWhile I get that it's JUST a tube of lube.. I cringe at the thought of it too. I can't use someone else toothpaste (no seriously, I have my own that no one in my family touches) so something as intimate as lube? Yeah, there is no way I'd be OK with that.

Would I make a big deal out of it? No, I'd GO buy a FRESH one and give it to him. If he wants to keep the old one.. who cares but he ONLY uses the new one with you. If you go buy one YOU can decide on the quality, scent, flavor whatnot... After all, it goes on/in you, right?

Other than that? don't make a big deal out of it.

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A male reader, devont United Kingdom + , writes (16 June 2017):

devont agony auntIt's hard to think about your partner with someone else (unless that is your thing!), and the lube made you think of him with other people. Perfectly reasonable to be a bit upset by it.

Pop it in the bin and get some more. I don't think you have blown it out of proportion as long as you move on and forget about it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2017):

I had an old bf get upset by this. I had an unopened brand new lube an ex had given me. It was good quality and not even opened, waste not want not!

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (16 June 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntAs long as it's in date (yes, lubes can have expiry dates), it's fine.

Just replace it yourself - not you getting rid of it, just buy a new one for the two of you and he can keep the old one.

It's just lube. Don't get me wrong; it's not a nice thought that he's used it before with someone else, but that shouldn't be what you're thinking about when you're intimate.

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A female reader, MissKin United Kingdom + , writes (16 June 2017):

MissKin agony auntI've never really been bothered by this. I guess if it was hygienically used I'd be fine with it but if you're not comfortable, is it really a big deal for him to replace it? Why don't you buy some and just replace it yourself? I'm sure if he doesn't see it as weird he probably won't be that attached to it.

I think you're over reacting slightly but only because I think it is really easy to solve. It is fine that it bothers you, but get a new tube. End of problem :)

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (16 June 2017):

CindyCares agony aunt Yes, you are.

While on one hand I understand how you do not particularly enjoy to be reminded of your bf's sexual past , which is something you'd rather not to focus on, - then again if you wanted to be coherent, by the same token you should make him buy all new pillows and bedsheets , and towels, and a new bed too !, because there must have been other women sleeping there and using his stuff before you. And also , all new underwear, how do you know that his underpants aren't the same which his exes were running their hands over ?...

It's just lube ! A chenical product, devoid of any symbolic / romantic meaning ! It's not as if he wanted to make you wear a special lace nightie that he had bought on Valentine's day for his ex !

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