A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So im having some problems lately with my boyfriend that have escalated from his new job. Needless to say at the moment i am currently and unfortunatly unemployed something iv never experienced before as ive worked since i was 15. this is a trying time for me as im finding it hard to deal with being unemployed aswell as trying to find work. So my boyfriend got a new job which i was delighted about as he really enjoys it and is getting great opportunities of promotion through his workbut here is the down sides.-His work is two hours away in the city so he stays with mutual friends while there.-He returns home on friday night but works on saturdays aswell at his own choice-He does come home on a tuesday or thursday for rugby training he says its to see me but i feel its more his way of killing to birds with one stonewhen he does come home i collect him myself staying up till almost half 12 at night just to pick him up get ten minutes of conversation fall asleep and wake up at around 7 in the morning to drop him back to the bus stop.While i can deal with all of that just about, this week he really took it too far for my likingThis week he decided to go out twice while he was up working in the city i do not have a problem with this i never had. He came home on the friday and also went out and i waited up till two oclock in the morning to pick him up (after all he deserves a break) again to wake up early in the morning to leave and let him get on with his work. Then last night saturday he decided to go out .As ive already said i dont care if he goes out with his friends i understand he needs his time with his mates. But saturday is the day i get with him and usually the most time i get FOR THE WHOLE WEEK i never wanted to be a part time girlfriend but thats what ive become he lives with his friends during the week goes out with them during the week and the one time i get to see him he is out with them again? my life is basically worked around him at the moment because i have no work i keep my self as busy as i possibly can during the week in order to keep my weekend free for him .. for what? for him to just ignore me ? i do everything i can for him possible ive picked him up and dropped him to work a 2 hour journey away if he has needed me too. Ive cooked for him made lunches?ive waited up till all hours of the night to pick him up without getting even a half an hour of conversation out of him before he wants to go asleep What am i supose to do here ?i dont want to fight or argue..but i dont want him to think im going to sit here and be treated like this while he has absoutley no regards for my feelings what so ever?
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone youve been really helpful :)
i said everything to him through txt yesterday as i didnt want to see him (again with the im not a part time girlfriend so im not going to be there just for his hangover day )
turned into an argument which resulted in him saying if i wanted to spend more time with him i shud work for him ( bearing in mind i had an interview with this company before him and turned it down commision based not my interest)
but i think hes starting to realise a bit he came home tonight and didnt ask me for a lift and i didnt offer
hope things start to work out as ive already told him this is something i am serious about and i shouldnt have to apologise to ask for more time with him ?? thanks everybody
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2012): Even if you are ok with picking him up and driving him back and forth, as a good and loving boyfriend and a nice human being in general he shouldn't have accept all this work from you. It's just not right!
And then on top of that leaving you for the weekend, what a nice guy!
I think he is just using you for the time being as his driver.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (25 November 2012):
 Giving him the boyfriend experience only when he is being a boyfriend sounds like good advice to me. Has he come right out and asked you to pick him at all hours, wait up for him and make his meals or have you just volunteered to do this? Were you doing all this when you were working? If you were working now, how would he get home Fridays, to the bus Monday morning and home for rugby? And what would you be doing in your spare time?I'm not sure if you've taken on all this extra responsibility out of guilt for not having an income or to use up that empty space in your life, but it isn't good for either of you. If he isn't now, he will start to take what you do for granted and if he thinks you feel guilty...he's as human as the next person and it will be very hard for him to resist using that power to his own advantage. He's a grown man. He knew when he took this job that he'd have a commute. Knowing you're sitting at home waiting for him puts more pressure on him to spend time with you and that makes being with you less appealing. You'd feel the same if the shoe were on the other foot. You aren't the centre of his universe and he shouldn't be the centre of yours. What you could try, for a while, is make alternative plans of your own for the weekends, without consulting him. You have other friends and family don't you? When he speaks to you during the week, conversationally mention that you won't be picking him up as you have plans. Don't phone him up just to tell him as it will look like a desperate bid for attention (unless you've already made an official agrement to pick him up, that is). Be cheerful and keep it brief.If he thinks you're stewing at home, he won't want to be there. If he thinks you're out and about, off with friends, having fun doing interesting things, he will be more driven to spend what precious time he has with you. Everybody wins.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 November 2012):
 Stop being at his beck and call. Only pick him up when it works for you. DO not sit around waiting for him, let his friends get him if he'd rather be with them.
stop taking care of him when he's NOT WITH YOU.
he will find that the only time he gets "the full boyfriend" experience is when he's being a "full boyfriend"
I would not pick my man up from 2 hours away UNLESS it was to be with me. (and yes I did that... my husband and I lived two hours apart our first year together)
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 November 2012):
 The "choice" is clearly your's. You may continue to be this guy's foot-wiping mat.... OR you can grab hold of your self-esteem and respect and tell him that he needs to find another girl (or guy) to be his personal assistant.
After all,... that's REALLY all you are (with - I imagine - a little s*x mixed in)... no?
Good luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): Just talk to him OP and tell him. Why are you afraid of a fight by the way? This is a pretty menial thing to ask, you just want more time with him and want to feel appreciated with more than just a kiss and "thank you for the lift".
OP he's started a new job and he's gotten carried away with his social life and you've said nothing so how can he know something's wrong? He's taking advantage of you at the moment most likely because he thinks you're fine with the way things are. It's up to you to talk to him and make him understand that you feel a bit left out that he seems to want to spend less and less time with you and only when he needs a lift or something.
Just talk to him, it's a very reasonable request, there's literally no reason for this to cause a fight. If he can't maintain this relationship OP then you have to step back and stop giving him so much of yourself and being his servant, cook and chauffeur.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2012): I agree that he is not acting like he is in a relationship at the moment, he is taking you for granted because you have been putting up with his behaviour so far. I think its time you stopped letting him get everything his own way. If he decides to stay out till 2am don't wait up, let him find his own way back. Same with the bus stop. Don't make him any more lunches, and don't make an effort to speak to him if he is ignoring you. Focus on yourself instead, work out what your dream job is and start working towards that. Start using your new found free time to improve your life. As well as helping you in the long run, if he is used to you doing everything for him and you suddenly stop it might give him the shock he needs to realise he needs to make more of an effort to keep you in his life. If he doesn't, then I'm afraid he isn't bothered about losing you and you are better off without him. Good luck, I hope it works out for you.
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A
female
reader, Dangerously Enthusiastic.  +, writes (25 November 2012):
 I have to disagree with DV1.
I think your boyfriend does want to be with you but he has a busy life!
HOWEVER, I do think he takes you for granted but possibly doesn't realise it. Have a talk to him calmly.
Maybe ask him if he could start looking for a job near you that pays just as well.
Good luck. x
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (25 November 2012):
 It sounds like he's not trying to be in a relationship right now, plain and simple. He's happy right now because you do things at his whim, on his schedule, and he's got you wrapped around his finger. He's got no respect for you at this point, and is emotionally checked out. The only thing that you can do at this point is to end it.
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