A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I'm a 53 year old widow. Beloved husband I was happily married to for more than two decades was killed by a drunk driver in November, 2003. I started trying to date again a few years ago. I have attracted two men to me that I developed totally incompatible relationships with. First one had severe social anxieties and would not integrate into my circle of friends and family after a year of dating - that was a deal breaker for me - he and I parted on friendly terms - no drama - just understanding that we were not evolving in our relationship and it wasn't what either I wanted for a important commitment.Second man, seemingly very compatible for several months. He proposed marriage at 7 months. I said "let's live together for a while and ask me again later." Almost immediately after moving in he started showing jealous behavior which escalated for 3 months. A couple of weeks ago I discovered he had been reading my email and taking phone number I had called or received calls from to investigate and try to find out who I have been talking to. He said he did it because he is jealous and thought I had been communicating with or seeing other men - which I had not. I value fidelity very highly and I had always been courteous letting him know where I was going when I went without him and when I would be back and so forth.I kicked him out the night I discovered how extreme his jealousy is and explained to him that he had violated my privacy, destroyed my confidence in him and our trust and that there was no sense in trying to continue. He had been totally out of control - calling 15 to 20 times a day, emailing almost as much, coming by my house and even resorted to calling my sister when I demanding that he stop harrassing me. I tried to let him down gently as I could considering the circumstances - wished him peace and happiness and encouraged him get control of himself, calm himself, get back to his routine and to accept that our relationship has ended.Cupid, I am so humliated. I feel like a naive schoolgirl. What am I doing wrong to attact these men with these incompatible personality traits and mental health issues? I met both of these men online - corresponded and talked on the phone for several weeks before agreeing to meet in person at a public place. I didn't have intimate relationships with them until months after our introduction and I made it clear from the beginning that I was hoping to find a nice man to share a simple, uncomplicated life with and live happily ever after. I was honest with both of them about my hopes, dreams, expectations and my past - which was only one important, long lasting relationship with my late husband.They were both divorcees that had been divorced for many, many years. Both successful in their public lives and both with grown children from their marriages - same as me - that they have good relationships with. They seemed like average, nice guys. I feel so insecure about my own abilities to judge character and what signs I should be looking for to see that there are underlying issues that are unhealthy and unwholesome. What am I doing to attract these men to me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (19 June 2008):
 Hi there...
I don't think you are doing anything wrong! You decided to part terms with the first guy because what you two wanted was incompatible, and thats why people date, to see if they can work together in a relationship. You decided you couldn't and parted ways in a friendly matter, that is both mature and healthy.
The second guy, well, he has issues. That does not mean you did anything wrong, just means he has issues. The only time I would have been a little suspicious was the getting married at 7 months thing. Usually over jealous people tend to be very possessive and getting married would have "assured" him you were his. But then again, you saw his behavior and didn't stand by it or tried to change it, you knew it was too weird and decided to move on. Once again, a great call.
It is very difficult to date and find good mates in this day and age and after being married for so long I can only assume it would be more difficult. Just take it easy, you seem to be doing ok. It can help if you sort of list out what you need in a relationship and what you want and don't want. Then take at least six months to explore them with someone new (not meaning to ask them directly) but rather to provoke conversations about them or similar scenarios. Open up after you feel this is a person with whom you are compatible.
You are doing ok... relax and enjoy! Best of lucks!
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