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male
age
26-29,
tommy2k7
writes:I like this waitress in my local pub that I want to ask out, but I'm nervous about it? I was just wondering whether readers were nervous about asking their partners out, and what they think I should do? (sounds obvious, but I'd still like opinions!) Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2008): Give it a rest now Tommy, Please.Until you gain that confidence, you've got no hope.I'm sorry, but how much more advice can we give you man?She could be a lesbian for all you know and you've wasted your time for nothing.Move on....I know we'd like to.
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (16 September 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the question There was something wrong with my email yesterday, wasn't getting answer notifications!
I wonder why she said she wasn't looking for a relationship then?
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reader, guillaume + ♥, writes (15 September 2008):
 Hi,
OOOOhhhh sounds promising.....;)
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (15 September 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok, my last 2 answers were refected for some reason.I summoned up the courage to buy her a coffee this morning in the same cafe as I go to sometimes in Sevenoaks, and she agreed to, then she's coming to join me for a drink at The Bull soon![Mod: One of those answers was a duplicate]
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reader, guillaume + ♥, writes (15 September 2008):
Hi,
Tommy,
I'm with Waz on this. That really is it for you.
I would say that when a girl tells another girl that she is not looking for a relationship(with a guy) then that really is it. Czech mate! (pardon the pun!)
Just simply go about what you normally do and talk to her as you do. You have lost no credibility as you never said anything and now you know inside information about her. Perhaps she is at college as well doing an engineering degree or language degree that takes up all her time. Therefore, no time for boyfriends!
Best wishes and listen to what Waz said!
Guillaume :)
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (15 September 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've just been to Sevenoaks and came home and read your reply, which oft of didn't make sense that much after what I did (finally).
I went in the cafe that I normally go in and she was in there. (I'd seen her in there once before) After about 10 minutes, I bit the bullet and went over to her and asked if I could buy her the coffee she was getting, and she actually came over, and we actually talked. I finally took your advice, and asked her if the things you mentioned, how long has she been here, does she miss it over there, what interests we had. I was quite surprised I did it! At the end, she just simply said 'I'll see you soon in the pub'
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reader, WizardOfWaz +, writes (15 September 2008):
 I think you should just leave it tommy. After over two months of our advice your progress is still ticking by slower than a year in prison. Most lassies would not be able to cope with such a depressing lack of self-confidence in a guy. Many girls like their men to be confident and assertive at least to some small degree, and until you make a realistic effort tommy you got no chance whatsoever of hooking up with this or any other decent lass.RegardsWaz
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (15 September 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input.However, I do have some good news. I actually did manage to talk to her a bit at the weekend, but not that much because they were busy (just Hi Sarara how are you!) Then yesterday, one of my friends (she was a female) went in for lunch and managed to ask her whether she's got a boyfriend. As she is extremely pretty, I thought she'd say yes, but she said no, but then she said she's not looking for a relationship. Firstly, I felt disappointed, then realised I can do two things:1) Leave itor2) Befriend her, with no pressure, then gradually work up to being more than friends.When a woman says that, is it because she's not looking for one really, or will have one maybe if the right person comes along. The thing is, and this might sound strange as I'm 29, I'm not sure if I want a relationship either, so how do I go about befriending her? After all, it's better to be friends first! I don't want to put pressure on her, but I think you guys know what I want the end result to be! (now I'm making it sound like a competition!)So what do you think?
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reader, guillaume + ♥, writes (12 September 2008):
Hi,
Then I'm afraid this is not going to work for you. You don't have enough conversation time and knowledge about her to simply ask her out. If you did, she may not really know you enough to say "yes". In order to move on, you need to target other potential girlfriends I'm afraid. This here has reached a virtual stalemate and you either bite the bullet or carry on hoping on a lucky chance. Invariably in life, lucky chance rarely happens. To be in control and to get power, you need to ask yourself what exactly is it about her that you like. If it is simply the looks, then you don't really know her. If you don't know her, then I would question why you wish to want a relationship with her. The reason couls be simply due to her looks and that doesn't seem or feel enough to me.
I would take time out now and stay away from the cafe for a few weeks and then see how you feel.
best wishes, G.
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (12 September 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI could, but I don't have a lot of female friends!
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reader, guillaume + ♥, writes (12 September 2008):
Hi,
Can you get the mate's mate in there to have a small conversation with her? You need to find a girl to go in with a few of you and she could possibly start a small conversation up. Remember...girl to girl won't have the pressure that you have. She may be able to find out about boyfriends etc.
Just an idea!!!!!! G.
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (12 September 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI like your idea but The Bull is more of a restaurant than a pub, you can just go in for a drink, but she's more taking orders than behind the bar
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reader, Yos  + ♥, writes (12 September 2008):
 Ok, you gotta do this! Before this thread melts down ;)
I have a suggestion:
Arrange to meet a friend there. Arrange it for a time she's likely to be there, but that's not too busy. But go 30 minutes early. Sit at the bar and order a drink. Drink it at the bar. Send a text message to someone. Or two.
Then smile at her. If she's not to busy, and she's behind the bar, there is every reason for you two to have a conversation. If she's just hanging around just start up a conversation (yes I know that's the hard bit...). Just something innocuous and topical. Basically you're just sitting around waiting for your (late) friend, and she's got the benefit of your company for a while.
Don't say to yourself you're going to ask her out. You're not. The aim is to get on good speaking terms with her. Try to turn the conversation to her, find out where she's from, how long she's been in the UK, why she came etc. Show interest. Just have a normal friendly conversation. Try to be as calm and relaxed as you can.
Then when your friend shows, just go sit down with them. If they notice you've been there a while, make some comment about them being late, or you getting the time wrong: "oh i thought we said 7.30" or whatever.
When you're with your friend, smile at her if you get the chance.
Then leave. No asking out on a date. If it goes well, this should break the ice, meaning whenever you are there you can talk to her. That should give you plenty of opportunities to ask her out on a date.
And if the architecture of the place won't allow this then, well, you gotta try something else.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2008): Tommy, ask her out already. She'll be an old lady with grandchildren at the rate your going. Either she says yes or no. You're going to survive either answer, so go in there and ask her out. You've had loads of advice on how to do it, so what are you waiting for? No, don't answer that. Don't come back and post here until you've actually tried to ask her out!
Dude, you're life is wasting away and your getting older and wrinklier and your hormones are slowly diminishing. Its been almost 3 months and you're still sitting there? Now is the time to carpe diem!
Come back after you ask her out and tell us what you said and what she said. You can cry on our shoulders if she said no, or you can ask us where to take her if she said yes. But you're just wasting your time and ours if you can't take the advice you've been given.
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (12 September 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI espect she has got a boyfriend; I suppose I should be optimistic though!
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (12 September 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionapparently, she's lived in the UK since she was 8, and my mate's mate told me she thinks she has got a boyfriend, but she doesn't know
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (12 September 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI went for a meal last night, I was all psyched up ready, but she wasn't there! :-(
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (10 September 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionChristian (Virgin Radio breakfast) rang up the breakfast host of a radio station in Croatia this morning - yes, because of the footie tonight - but is he subconsciously trying to tell me something?!!!
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (4 September 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEvery time I see her, she looks more gorgeous than the time before, so I've got to ask her out!
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reader, DiovanLestat + ♥, writes (3 September 2008):
 Tommy, there are risks in life, if you ask her out, you do risk her telling you no. But if you don't ask her out, you risk allways wondering if she would have said yes. While you sit and watch, people all arround you are falling in love. Don't you want to fall in love and have a girlfriend who loves you back. Be brave, find a way to tell her you think she's nice, otherwise you will be alone for the rest of your days, and I don't want a future like that for you.
Give it to her or someone else, that's a very good question. If you give it to someone else, it will be more romantic to her and she will know your shy, then if she's not interested she dosent' have to give a response and then you will know your wasting your time. If you give it to her, then she can know it's you and won't have to worry that she didn't recieve it. It really dosen't matter, all you really have to do is find a way to tell this girl you like her, and then the rest is up to her. If you don't tell her, how will she know... Good luck, be brave, life and happiness waits for no woman or man. Make your own destiny......
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (2 September 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat could work, but if it doesn't, I've scuppered my chances, haven't I? And if I do do that, do I give it to her directly, or another member of staff?
Thankyou for the suggestion
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reader, DiovanLestat + ♥, writes (1 September 2008):
Hey Tommy,
How about writing Sarara a little note before you go into the bar. If your too scared to approach her, then maybe this might work. The note should say something like.....
"Hi Miss Wonderfull, you light up my day when I see you, your in my dreams and your in my heart. I mean no offence,
but I just wanted to tell you how beautiful you are."
Then when you next time you see her, give her a big smile, give her the note, and then the next move will be her's... No need to talk at all....
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (1 September 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhile my mate was at the bar getting a drink, she came over to the room I was in to clean the tables. We were the only ones in there, but once again it was nerves!
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reader, troubledtoomuch  + ♥, writes (1 September 2008):
 Oh, and then don't just sit or stand there with your mouth open and eyes glazed when she says something in return.
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reader, troubledtoomuch + ♥, writes (1 September 2008):
Hey dude, I used to be very shy. It took a lot of courage to ask a woman out. This was after my divorce from my first wife. I finally asked someone out who I knew. She turned me down because she already had a boyfriend, but she was very nice and thanked me and said that she was flattered. That made me feel good.
A couple of weeks later I asked another woman out. I had talked to her a little. She also turned me down ffor the same reason as the first. She was very nice to me also.
A couple of weeks later I asked another woman out who I knew, but hadn't talked to much. She turned me down, but wasn't as nice as the first 2. No excuses, just no. Since she didn't say she had a boyfriend, I asked her out again. Again she said no. sometime later we were a group of people and I started to talk to her and she started to think that I wasn't too bad of a guy. Later that night, I asked out again and she said yes. We had a date and had a lot of fun - nothing more than a kiss at the end of the night. She also had a boyfriend, but I didn't know until that night. She broke up with him the next night and we have been together for 29 years now.
A couple of weeks later the second one who turned me down asked me out. I assume that she had broken up with her boyfriend or figured out that if that one woman would go out with me that maybe it was worth the risk.
The reason that the 3rd woman turned me down twice was because I was so shy that she thought that I was condeited. I would look the other way when she sould speak to me or just mumble a Hi.
Hey, it's hard when you're shy and afraid to even start a discussion or ask for a date. You are afraid of rejection. You are afraid to say the wrong thing. You know what, it gets easier the next time, even if you get rejected. It got easier for me, even though I was rejected 4 times before I got a date. Even talking to someone the first time was stressful, but it got a lot easier after a couple of times.
You have been stressing over this for over 2 months now. Just start to talk about anything. You might say the wrong thing, but everybody does that at times. We all fail at times and we always learn from those failures. It's like riding a bicycle. You don't quit because you fell off in the first 2 feet the first time. You learned a little bit and got better. Hey, Lance Armstrong probably fell off the first time when he was a little kid.
Take the advice of Susan, Shawn, Collaroy and others. OK, Susan is mean. ;) HE-HE "Blubbering idiots are cute." Yeah, my wife discovered that the shy guys are the nicest. And that's not just from her knowing me. Some women say to stay away from the shy guys. Others look for them, knowing that they are normally very caring and fun when they get to know them and get over their shyness.
I don't know what to say, as the others have said it all. Just think of something to say, get up the courage, try not to be afraid of making a mistake or being a "blubbering idiot" and say something besides scampi and chips. Hey, she smiled at you, maybe she is waiting for you to do something. She could have just looked the other way. Let's say that it is a slow night at the bar one night. You could say, "Slow night, isn't it. I hope I'm not chasing everybody out." or simply, "Where is everybody tonight?" A slow night would be good, as she will have some extra time to talk. JUST SAY SOMETHING.
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (1 September 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt'll sound a bit weird asking her about her life in Crotia, won't it? (to her I mean)
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reader, WizardOfWaz +, writes (1 September 2008):
So far so good tommy. In answer to your last question there is no "method" it is just being friendly. And yes it works for me and everyone else. The more you take the initiative to make friends the more friends you will have.
Regards
Waz
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (1 September 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe just smiled; that was it
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reader, guillaume + ♥, writes (29 August 2008):
Hi,
Did anything happen? How did she respond? G.
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (29 August 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell, I said 'hi' last night - I didn't say sarara. When you've never asked a girl out before, it's nervewracking!
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (28 August 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHang on - she doesn't know my name and I'm going there tonight! Won't Hi Sarara sound odd if she doesn't know my name?
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reader, BigSis + ♥, writes (27 August 2008):
 Oh My God, Tommy!
I've just noticed the date when you first put this post up. 23rd June??
2 months and you've still not done it? 2 months??
Where do you live? I'm coming there to play Cupid if you don't get your finger out!
: D
Good luck Hon.
BigSis
xXx
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reader, WizardOfWaz +, writes (27 August 2008):
Nah not really tommy. bar staff are quite chuffed when you remember their names. Remember you could have easily picked it up from her collegues or other customers chatting to her. She wont be bothered about how you know. So dont worry, flash your most charming smile and give her a "hi sarara!" it wont kill ya. And it's a start yeah? :-)
Waz
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (27 August 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwon't me saying 'hi sarara' in passing sound a bit odd?
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (27 August 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks; I'd never thought of doing it that way!
The only problem is, I don't want to wait that long otherwise she might get snapped up!!
Also, I found it quite interesting you said 'soon you'll be slipping in the question has she a bf at home'! She might have one over here! When the time comes, how should I slip that in?
Has this method worked for you then?
She's already seen me in there with mates
I was going to take my business card in with me (only joking!)
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reader, WizardOfWaz +, writes (27 August 2008):
Just take it one step at a time tommy. You can deal with your nerves better by reining in your rush to ask her out. Step one is just a friendly "hi sarara!" and charming smile in the passing. Then you can move on to asking her hows things another time. Soon you can be asking her how long has she been in UK? Do you like it here? Ask her if she is missing Croatia. Does she go home often? etc etc
And of course you will soon be slipping in the Q if she has a bf at home? :-)
Eventually you will feel comfortable enough to say you would be happy to take her out if she likes? The process may take a few times for you to get to the asking out point. But it all starts with just a "Hi Sarara!". That's all you need to say during the nervous period. :-)
Regards
Waz
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (27 August 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's for the advice - I've always thought that that Russian Bride thing is a scam, and I'd never do it! That's a good point though, thankyou
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reader, guillaume + ♥, writes (27 August 2008):
Hi,
Just a friendly piece of advice about her....you say she is Croatian. OK, make sure she has citizen status here and you are not walking into any "Russian Bride" thing. I'm not attacking her, I'm simply giving you some friendly advice to look at your situation with another perspective. best wishes, G.
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (26 August 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know the gardener who works there - and he managed to find out her name for me: her name is Sarara, and she comes from Croatia. So all I have to do now is to ask her out for a drink!
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reader, tommy2k7 +, writes (11 August 2008):
tommy2k7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm going down there for a drink tonight - any advice?
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