A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, I went on a first date with this guy tonight, and, while he was a nice enough guy (easy to talk to, interesting), there were a couple of things that seemed like red flags. We met up in an area where there were lots of restaurants in one place. He insisted we check out the menus of a variety of places and compare prices, not wanting to spend over a certain amount on dinner. We settled on a burger place, where, before even being seated, he proposed going Dutch on the meal.During the meal, we talked about a lot of things. When we talked about his cat that passed away over six months ago, he started crying. I'm an animal lover, but I thought it was a little strange that he couldn't keep it together in front of a stranger after so much time had passed.I ended the date fairly quickly. I'm just putting this out here for a general opinion: Should I give this guy another shot, or are these pretty clear red flags? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2014): Sounds like he must be cheap. I can't imagine on a first date insisting on comparing prices at different restaurants. He should have done his homework before the date. I don't expect him to change whether he's comfortable financially or not. He reminds me an awful lot of my first date with a past boyfriend. This one actually told me he was afraid he wasn't going to have enough money to invite me. It made me feel so bad, I ordered the cheapest thing on the menu. Although it was in bad taste, I later found out that it's just his nature. As for the cat, it's hard to say. From experience, losing a pet is very sad since they become part of the family. It does, however, seem odd that he would react that way in front of a stranger. I somehow sense that there may be another underlying cause for such sadness.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone! It wasn't so much the fact that he wanted to go Dutch, it was fact that he shopped around, and basically declared that he didn't want to spend over a certain amount, and THEN mentioned that he wanted to go Dutch. If he'd wanted to stay within a certain budget, he should have researched a restaurant beforehand.
And the crying, I think, suggests either an inability to cope with emotional events, or emotional instability.
There really wasn't a "spark", but I wanted to make sure that I wasn't being petty by dismissing the guy for those things. Thanks to all for weighing in! :)
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 June 2014):
 He sounds kind of weird but I probably would give him another date before I throw him back in the pond.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes  +, writes (15 June 2014):
The only caviat I would have, is check he isn't mean. Whilst looking for a good deal is fine, mean is not. I like thoughtful, generous people, which doesn't mean spending loads, but being appropriate. I try to be that way myself!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 June 2014):
 Red flags as indicators that he is bad, mad and dangerous ,no. But definitely , I would not be really eager for a second date...
The checking all the menus is ridicolous, it's something appropriate for a 15/16 y.o. kid on a parent's allowance. For an adult... if you are terminally broke, stay home, don't go wasting ANY money on things that you clearly can't afford. If you are just " frugal " ( often, read : stingy ) , decide for a ballpark figure that you are comfortable spending, and choose a place within this budget without making such a song and dance about it- as if 2 or 5 dollars less or more could change a lot in the grander scheme of things.! Going Dutch is OK, although perhaps not the best way to impress a first date ( Better though if possible making it clear from the start, and not leaving your date with the impression that she is being / might be treated ).
The cat thing would have definitely have creeped me out, and it's not about loving animals IMO, I am a cat lover, and I have lost beloved cats too, - but yikes, there's something like having a measure of control over your emotions, particularly in public, particularly during a date, there's something like having pudor of your feelings, and the courtesy of not risking making your date uncomfortable,- life , particularly social life, can't be a continuous stream of consciousness where you just cry and laugh and emote wherever and whenever , alone or in company.
If one is still so bereft over a loss , well maybe he / she is not ready to date yet.
With all this, the guy may have other qualities and traits which intrigued and impressed you, nobody is perfect, and if these two things are just two flaws for you but not dealbreakers, you might want to give him another shot, why not, it's just another night out. Although, I would not put my hopes up very high about compatibility level...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (15 June 2014):
 I don't see a problem with going Dutch. Though I DO think that he COULD have mentioned it when you planned the date. But it's not a deal breaker (for me).
The whole having to compare all the menus I find a tad.. I don't know.. just sad. If you can't afford something expensive (which is OK) then know ahead of time what you like you eat and where to go. The going over menus and comparing, well that just seem cheap to me. I am not a fan of "vague" people. If you ask me out on a date and this date is over a dinner, then I don't mind paying but I would have arranged ahead of time where or what kind of restaurant to eat at.
Crying over the loss of a cat. Well I have cats and I CERTAINLY wouldn't sit and bawl to an almost stranger. I'm just not the crying in front of strangers kind of person, and I'm not a fan of guy who blubber either. Harsh maybe, but that is who I am. I wouldn't find it endearing.
YOu say you ended the date fairly quickly, was that due to the crying or the Dutch/checking menus? Or was there other sings that seemed off to you?
I'm not sure he is a very good match for you.
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A
female
reader, cattycakes +, writes (15 June 2014):
The fact that he loves his cat and deeply at that is not a red flag. Going Dutch and looking at the best deal was correct in my opinion. The term "red flag" applies to signs of having bad within him and I don't see how you think those are relevant. Have you perhaps become hung up on the term? If he tried to get you to pay for him or was ogling you, those are red flags. Frankly, someone who can love animals that much is a good egg in my book and probably a keeper.
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A
male
reader, Mark1978 +, writes (14 June 2014):
 Sounds like a good date! Well by my standards anyway.
he sounds either tight, or not financially secure enough to date quite frankly. Don't get me wrong, I understand that times are hard and that eating out is expensive, and I don't recommend a posh eating establishment for a first date in case it doesn't go well and cost a lot of cash, but he sounds very tight. I hope you had fries with your burger!
I have had dates at proper restaurants and not clicked with the person and came away thinking "Wow a swanky, posh, exclusive restaurant that cost me £5 for two egg and chips (double egg and chips, nothing but the best) for nothing?" ;-) But there's not wanting to go over board and being a tight, meany. Why didn't he just ask you to share his meal and half the cost and be done with it?!
I love animals and get upset easily if I hear of animal cruelty, but sobbing on a first date six months after his cat died? Phew! I think this penniless cry baby isn't a great bet.
Its up to you if you want to go out with him on another date, but if you do I would avoid anything too pricey and don't mention cats ;-)
Mark
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