A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've in the process of getting a divorce from a toxic marriage the past few months. Back late last summer, I met a guy when I was out with some girlfriends. Though the first night we made out, we quickly just became friends after he learned a little more about my previous relationship. I was in the middle of my divorce, so most of our connections were via email, phone or occasionally getting together for coffee. He offered lots of good advice and really was there emotionally as a friend when I didn't have many others in my life. Since things are finalizing in my divorce, this friend and I recently became intimate...sparks flying, amazing connection. However, I know not to get too serious right now, and we both discussed and acknowledged that we should take whatever we have slow. Everything seems normal, so what's the problem? Since we were intimate, he confessed that he's seeing a lot of different girls; he's a serial dater. He doesn't say specifics, but he let's me know roughly who he's seeing and staying honest (at least with me - not sure about the other girls). However, upon understanding this detail about him, I'm a little apprehensive to continue my involvement with him. It's confusing to me that he was such a good friend to me, but now, I'm concerned I'm just one of a number. He definitely puts me as a priority and sees me 2-3 times a week, which is probably more than his other girls. And our time together is far from being purely physical, which seems to be the case with his other women. We're good friends, share much in common, and have mind blowing sex, but why not the commitment? Is he just concerned that he's a rebound for me and that I'll leave him, so he's keeping his options open? Or is he just manipulating me into his collection of women? He's also not a possessive type and is encouraging me to see other men. So...what's going through his head? I know I shouldn't be concerned about this and should just be focusing on myself, and I'm not looking to jump into a serious relationship, but I'm very sensitive to the concern of manipulation, and I would like perspective on his possible motives. I have a lot of fun with him, and I'm not expecting the world, but I just want to make sure I'm not being used here. My instinct is torn, every time I see him, I feel like everything's right and I really don't care if we're casual and he's casual because it's not the time for that, but every moment we're apart, I hold all of this fear and anxiety that I'm being used. Maybe I'm letting my fears from previous relationships cloud my judgement. A part of me just wants to check out completely and be alone, but I truly appreciate his friendship and our conversations. Any suggestions?
View related questions:
divorce Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): I don't understand how you can say he might be using you. You two both agreed it was a casual thing, he didn't tell you he loved you or wanted to be exclusive. I think there maybe some feelings there on your part and if you're honest with yourself you don't really like the idea of him being with other women. Most women think they are cut out for a FWB type thing but they usually end up hurt.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSageoldguy - Well, I don't have an issue with open sexuality. In fact, I'm a strange one and a fan of open relationships, but in the past, I've needed a deep emotional bond with my partner to sustain that. This situation is another shade of grey that I'm not as familiar with...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionquiet-echo: Kudos to your suggestion; you make a good point. I'll def follow that advice. Cheers and thank you!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 He is not in love with you,that's all.
He is not using you, he did not lie to you, he's been upfront about having other girls, not wanting anything serious and encouraging you to date other guys.
He is not manipulating you- he just likes things the way they are between you , and he is giving what is comfortable giving you : sex, friendship and coffee dates.
If you like this arrangement you can continue without having to feel used. If you want more committment and romance, this is not the right person for you .
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the feedback. He does seem like a nice guy and he is, more than anything to me, a good friend. We email each other a few times a day...and just about whatever's going on with us.
Mixing sex into the equation? Probably not the smartest move on my end...but we both knew we had chemistry from the beginning, but respected boundaries at the beginning. I'd say we're good "fuck friends" at this point. Sometimes, I get a little carried away with my feelings towards him though; maybe that's where the fear and anxiety come from. He admits that he feels a deep connection to me, but a serious relationship is not on the table. Maybe I'm just not used to dating and I'm being too clingy; afterall, I was with one person for 10 years! It's also very difficult for me; my past marriage was abusive, physically and verbally. I've had almost a year apart from that, but it's still in the back of my head. I've not met many "nice guys" in my life, so I think my clinginess also stems from meeting someone for the first time in too many years who's nice to me...and I'm scared of loosing that connection.
It's nice to get everyone's perspective though. I think it would be smart for me to keep any other of these flings, if I so choose to try others, sexless for the time being, since I'm still sorting out a lot of issues. As for him and I, every time I see him, I make an effort to get a status from both of us, just so we're on the same page. I have been considering taking a break and was actually going to bring it up last time on saw him, but, on the flip side, he decided to be more emotionally intimate with me and I didn't bring that topic up....that's what poised me to write this. I'll be seeing him again tomorrow and Thursday, so I'll have some time to discuss it further with him. Thank you all!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): No he's not using you, he's your friend and you both mutually agreed to no commitment between you so there's no commitment.
He is perfectly entitled to see other women and he's told you he has so he's not keeping it a secret from you. You say he's been a very good friend to you, so he gives you something and you too want the sex with him so he's not using you.
No offence but it really was a stupid idea to get sexual with him. He's your friend, sex is an act of romance not friendship. It always complicates things. I mean you're even starting to question the very essence of your friendship now because you added sex to the mix. You probably wouldn't have cared at all about his dating habits but the fact you've crossed the boundary into romance means you're getting confused and slightly hurt that you're not the only woman in his life.
What's more is this was a random guy you met out who on the first night made out with you. I think his intentions are pretty clear from the start. You have to decide what it is you want. You say you don't want a serious relationship, so what kind of relationship do you want, because friends don't have sex. It either leads to a relationship or it leads to one person gaining unrequited feelings for the other and having their heart broken.
You need to find out what he sees in the future between you. He started off with romantic interest in you, that doesn't just go away, the fact that you're just out of a serious relationship and not yet ready for another suggests to me that he's just playing the waiting game, perhaps hoping for something more in the future. Or he could just be the type of guy that has lots of female friends he likes to foll around with.
...............................
A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (8 November 2010):
 Not that I agree with the relationship you 2 have or what he's doing with you and several other girls at the same time, but I do not feel you are being used at all. He has been upfront that he doesn't want anything serious and he has other girlfriends too. Also said that you should get out there and meet some dudes for yourself. To me it just sounds like he's having fun and doesn't want to be tied down. I feel like using you would be to lie and say he's really into you but only call when he wants sex and no one else is available. If you aren't okay with the situation you have going on you should have a talk with him about where it is going, could it be serious, etc. And if not and he still just wants casual relationships and sex then you decide if that's what you want or can handle. I agree you might not should rush into a relationship with anyone right away because of the recent divorce, but there is a biiig difference between going slow into something with a guy you like and dating a guy who is dating numerous girls... So do you want casual sex for a little while until you are ready to date seriously again and meet a new guy? Or do you want to meet one guy and go slowly into the relationship and build something? Or do you hope this guy will be the one who turns serious for you (in which case you should have the discussion and find out)? It'd be best to know exactly where his mind is at and decide what you want and can handle from there. I don't believe he is using you but I can't for certain say what he's thinking either. So ask.
...............................
|
