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female
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anonymous
writes: I am married and also in a relationship with a married man. Our spouses are very much alike, so we can relate to each other. We are both in bad marriages, but do not want to punish our children by divorce. This has been going on over 2 years. I am deeply in love with him and we are best friends. I'm not sure how he feels about me, but I wish I knew. His wife is very jealous so it is very hard for him to get out of the house. I want to spend time with him, but I don't know if he wants to spend time with me. Is he just making excuses or do you think he wants to make sure he has all of this tracks covered? He comes to see me every day, I talk to him several times a day. I don't know what to think. Should I back off for a while? He seems to make plans when I back off. Why is that???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2007): i think it's very unhealthy to be in a reltionship such as that. i know i was there were you are. get out of it. the termoil for me was too much, never mind it was just plain wrong!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2006): This is a typical case of he wants his cake and eat it.
Of coure he makes plans when you back off as he is likes the attention from you and likes the way things are - wife at home, mother of his children and a bit on the side without the stresses that is connected with being a parent, husband etc.
Most men would love to have a wife and a bit on the side if he knew he would never get caught.
if he loves you, why isn't he with you?
The children is a lame excuse for staying together with his wife as anyone that unhappy would leave.
MX
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A
female
reader, secret  +, writes (25 November 2006):
 i think you need to decide where this affair is going to go. you are both being unfair to your spouses and your children. i am in the same situation but unlike u i am having an affair with a single. it has been going on for the past 3 years. he sometimes feels guilty and stops talking to me but then he cant be away from me and always comes back. we are both madly in love but he refuses to marry because his family would be hurt. he dosnt believe in divorces. so i dont know where our future stands.
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A
female
reader, pica +, writes (17 November 2006):
I think you are both using each other as an escape from your marriages. That said, there's no guarantee you'd be together were the spouses to magically disappear - in fact, that tends not to happen. First, stop seeing him. Second, attempt to fix your marriage. If you can't, separate. Either that or hang about waiting for this man to pay you attention. Jealous wife keeps him at home? Ever thought there might be another girlfriend?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2006): Hello,
It sounds like you have a lot of things here that might need to come out in the open to be sorted out once and for all. If you wanted some free advice and help or even just to speak to someone, I work with a team of people from The Trisha Goddard programme who have helped people out many times in situations like this. If you were interested in a chat about what is happening with your life at the moment or about anything we can maybe help with, then please give either Lisa or Andy call on 01603 281032.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (17 November 2006):
 You are being very very stupid. It will explode back in your face one day. I hope your husband can show your children how to live with honor and integrity. My best wishes to him and your children.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (17 November 2006):
 This is a 'relationship' founded on lies and more lies...and the sad truth is that the person telling most lies is you...you are lying to yourself about this affair and trying to make it something it really isn't. You say his wife is the jealous type but lets face it, he is cheating on her so she has every right to be possessive of him - he is her husband! Protecting the kids is not a good reason to stay in a bad marriage - it sends a message that staying in unhappy situations is ok and you don't want your kids to be in your situation a few years down the line when they are adults do you? You say you don't know how this guy feels about you but you have been seeing him a good while and in all honesty when men are that into you, they let you know about it...actions are louder than words. If he was looking for more than a bit on the side...he would have left the wife 'that doesn't understand him' and be parked outside your front door 24/7...he doesn't do that because he has the best of both worlds (in his eyes) in way of a wife to support him and a mistress for extras. You hint at the nature of the relationship by saying you pair have a lot in common via your bad marriages...if that is all you have in common then this is a doomed long-term relationship. Whats more, you say his wife locks him indoors and no doubt you would be feeling like doing the same in a few years time - he cheated with you, what stops him cheating again? You may love this guy, but as a grown woman you need to love yourself and your kids a little more. If you hate being married, leave your husband...but don't drag your kids through a tangled mess of emotional heartache. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2006): You are punishing your children in horrendous ways now and are setting them up for a lifetime of mistrust and opposition to marriage. Better to show them how to properly break off an unhealthy, unsatisfying relationship than to demonstrate such loose morals. Nice Job...Mom.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (17 November 2006):
 You're convincing yourself that by cheating and sneaking around, you're protecting your kids. That is untrue. What you're doing is creating a situation that is going to blow up one day and you'll look bad. It's too bad you're not directing all the energy towards your marriage instead of your affair. IF your marriage is wrong, get out of it.
The problem is you and your lover crossed the line of discretion and shared personal information about your spouses. Then, you fed off of eachothers complaints and started feeling a connection towards eachother because you could "relate". Then you started feeling like a teenager around him and it all started.
You fell into the trap.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2006): Love is hard. But i do think you two should consider the people you are with. The hurt his wife and kids will feel, and what about yours. There isn't just you two in this situation. If your marriage is over then get out then persue a relationship but until then why hurt the people that you two 'used' to love the most. I think you need to sit down with your husband and talk things over. Can you not make things work with him. You are hanging onto someone else's bloke. I personally don't feel happy about this situation, there will be lots of tears, and will it be worth it when you get it?? The grass always looks greener on the other side, jump the fence and you very often land in the biggest pile of sh*t on the planet. Think carefully! You are both playing a very dangerous game. Be prepared for the explosions and flames if anyone finds out. Do you think you can handle the outcome? Do you want to?
Do take care and you can get in touch again if you want.xx
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