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Wedding mania! Should I give a portion of my declines to fiance for his invites or is this just a very awkward lesson for him?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family, Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 March 2019) 3 Answers - (Newest, 29 March 2019)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My fiance and I are paying for our own wedding 50/50. We chose an affordable venue and plan to have about 80 guests. We are inviting 20 mutual friends, 30 from his side, and 30 from mine. Most of our guests will traveling.

I am only inviting immediate family plus friends from all over the states. Most of my relatives are overseas and already sent their best wishes and regrets.

He is inviting mostly family with a handful of friends. We already know ALL his relatives will come. It's culturally an obligation for them, and also an obligation for him to invite them. Well, to please his parents at least. I made sure and double checked he was ok sharing his guest list with his parents (basically) and he was.

We both agreed that we can fill in our "no" rsvps on our side as we wish. I did not invite any colleagues due to budget, but am expecting plenty of declines and will invite my colleages (there are 15 people on my team total) if space allows. I love my colleagues. But obviously 15 people is a LOT on one team (yes i work with them all lol) and it only made sense to cut them since we didn't have the budget. If I do invite them, it will be all or none, as I don't feel right picking and choosing. Or, i will just invite my bosses.

Even though fiance won't admit it, I feel like he regrets inviting so many relatives. They are close to his family (his two siblings are 12 years older than him) but not to him. He doesn't talk to them on a regular basis. He asked (nicely) if I could give him my invites if I have declines so he can invite friends he forgot.

I told them that he knows I have a list of 15 colleagues to be invited if I get enough declines. He was upset that i am inviting "just" colleagues but I explained to him that we are both inviting people who love and support us, and for me that's my colleagues. He apologized and understood.

Later, he told me he it was because he forgot to invite some "important" people.. 6 of them. Its not unusual based on his slightly disorganized personality. I had him review the guest list a few times but he still forgot them. 4 of these people he hangs out with on a very regular basis so umm that's awkward. I feel bad for him but i don't think it's fair for me to give up my guest list because he forgot them.

Any opinions? Should I give a portion of my declines to fiance for his invites or is this just a very awkward lesson for him? He literally has to tell close friends he FORGOT to invite them. Weird but it is what it is!

It's not the first time he had an event mishap (double booked a few times). I feel bad he has to learn his lesson over such a important life event... but that would mean sacrificing the people close to me as well.

View related questions: fiance, I work with, my boss, wedding

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2019):

Why not just get used to sharing, you will be as one soon, a journey through life together. Invite friends and colleagues to a night party, surely this won't break the bank. BOSSES??? sounds way too clinical for me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2019):

I do think you should give him at least some of your declines. Or maybe (heaven forbid) open up a few extra spaces at your wedding, if you cannot BEAR to part with your extra spaces. Would it really make or BREAK your budget to add 3 or 4 more spaces for him as well?

Honestly I think that is fairly harsh of you to want to "teach him a lesson" over this. Do you really need to invite 15 coworkers above and foremost over some close friends that he forgot? You are coming together as a unit, his close friends should be shared with you in any event (although I can see why you might be unpopular with them if you go through with this choice).

I understand that you are frustrated that he is so disorganized and seemingly careless that he didn't even realize important people were missing...but some people really struggle with organization and details. It sounds like historically he does. It isn't necessarily a choice of being careless, it may truly be a cognitive difficulty for him. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses of cognition.

I think that YOU need to consider an important life lesson as well. You sound like someone prone to INFLEXIBILITY. While he could benefit by learning from your attention to detail, you could benefit by learning some flexibility in life. It is not all black and white "rules and consequences". That is grade school talk. No one responds well to that.

In real life people ARE forgiven, changes ARE made, a few extra seats are added, people alter plans, couples do give and take and partake in co-operation.

I feel strongly that you need to show more understanding. I feel it is actually your duty as future wife to ensure his (and by extension your) close friends receive an invite. He made the mistake, don't make him pay for it and regret it all your lives.

15 coworkers...that sounds like a stretch. I would either choose 1 or 2 or the bosses, but all 15 sounds over the top and you are evidently quite worried about numbers already.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (11 March 2019):

Honeypie agony auntI would give him any of your declines as it seems a little strange to only invite SOME coworkers or JUST the bosses, I'd think it would just be easier to invite NONE from work.

But maybe limit toe number you "give" him" to let's say 2-3? that way you might be able to invite 1-2 from work too?

I don't think it's AS important to ensure that the guest list is HALF (exactly) yours and HALF (exactly) his.

But if you really want a few of your "friendly coworkers" and you don't think it will create DRAMA at your job, then you are JUST as entitled to invite whom you want.

If you two HOPE to have a working and healthy marriage you two negotiate and compromise to make THIS guest list work. It's really that simple.

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