A
female
age
30-35,
*elirium
writes:I was wondering if anyone can offer some advise over wedding gift-giving protocol? My boyfriend and I have a wedding to go to in a month. It is the marriage of my boyfriend's best friend and he is his best man. I've known his friend for quite a few years and I would say we get along well, his fiance however I have no real relation with, I've met her a few times but she doesn't usually join our group outings. I'm not involved in her wedding party or anything.We received 2 invitations to "couples bridal showers" I wasn't familiar with the idea of bridal showers for couples and the only bridal showers I had been to were for my sisters and each was essentially a family affair, a chance for the future in-laws and extended family to get to know each other. I had the idea that bachelor/bachelorette parties were for friends, showers were for families, reception dinner was for the wedding guest/people involved with the upcoming wedding, then wedding and reception. So my question is am I supposed to be buying gifts for each of these showers + the actual wedding? Each shower invite (each shower takes place on a different date, in a different city a little over an hour apart, which for us is a 6 hour drive each time) has a section listing where the couple is registered (does that imply they expect gifts or did they just fell like re-printing that information on 3 different cards, it's on the actual wedding invitation too). Normally we would probably decline one or maybe both of the showers and just attend the reception party and then the wedding and bring a gift then but since my bf is actually in the wedding he would like to be a little more involved. Not to mention a couple weeks ago my boyfriend set up the bachelor party too. So is this situation a little strange or is it a pretty common thing I have just never encountered? Should we cough up the money and buy 3 separate gifts (they are registered at pretty pricey places). Or would one, nice, gift given on the wedding day suffice? And if we don't plan to bring a gift for each shower then should we refrain from attending the showers all together? Thoughts?
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female
reader, Delirium +, writes (21 January 2015):
Delirium is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the advice, it's nice to know that I wasn't alone in thinking the situation seemed strange (and a tad greedy). Since the bachelor party has already taken place my bf has already celebrated once with his friend so we will only attend one shower. We have no idea which one is being thrown by which side of the family so we won't know which one is being hosted by "his" family but I'm sure they would still attend anyway so we can greet them. We'll probably do a hostess style gift for the shower, maybe something from the stores they list but not an item actually on the registry, and do a slightly better gift for their wedding. In all honesty our friend, the groom, isn't really concerned about gifts and probably wouldn't care if we didn't buy a gift at all (we would of course, I just wanted to point out our friend isn't the one feeding the gifting drive). So in actuality we were worrying about this gifting stuff in an effort to make his future wife happy, for our friend's sake. We'll just revert back to what would make our friend, himself, happy; and he will be fine with just one.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (21 January 2015):
 The WHOLE idea of gifts at a wedding is to GIVE the new couple some of the essentials to start of their new life together. Back in the day most women would not marry till she had a trousseau ( Chest with useful stuff for marriage, basically).
My guess is they don't WANT to have outrageous bachelor parties or FAMILY feels it more appropriate to do it this way.
The weddings, I have been involved in and a guest at were some of my closest friends, one couple had lived together for 5 years beforehand we did a hen night for the bride and a "cluck" night for the guy who married a guy. Some people have outrageous OH MY GOSH I'm getting married let's be nuts and party our brains out, with strippers, and "dumb hats", making them "beg" in the streets for money or "selling" crap for drink money....hen-night/bachelor parties.
WE did a "LET's spoil the bride" with somethings we know she wants to do. One we took water skiing, go-carting , sent her off for a massage and "costume change" with a make-up artist to give her a hot make over, then out to a fancy dinner, then a comedy club. We WERE supposed to go to a show after that but we were all pretty wore out from the day. I don't know HOW many times over the years she thanks me (I planned it) for NOT making her go do silly stuff around town (like some do) and for making it a night to remember with all her best girl friends. The other guy we took riding (had never been on horseback), stopped and had a picnic, sent HIM off for a deep tissue massage (he needed it lol) then off to dinner and the opera, after that we went clubbing.
NO gifts were involved. THE GIFT was the day out. (and the cost was split between the participants, except the bride/groom).
A bunch of us pitched in for a 12 piece dinner set that we KNEW the bride loved, but she hadn't put it on her list as it was (in her words) to expensive to ask for. And we made SURE that the register had some of the "extras" that goes with a dinner set, like cake stand, gravy boat, you know... It took some planning and cooperation from the mothers but worked out perfectly.
Poor bride was bawling when she opened her presents. BUT THAT is what BEST friends do, make sure you bestie gets things she will love and cherish. IMHO
Having 1 shower I can see, 2 showers? with 2 gift lists? Seriously? PLUS the wedding? Seems a bit.. I don't know.. greedy? My guess is BOTH in-laws want to throw a party for them.
I would PICK ONE of the showers to go to and go, the easiest solution is to simply split your gift-giving budget between the shower and the wedding rather than overextending your finances to buy two full-scale gifts.
You are NOT obligated (as far as etiquette) to bring a gift at the wedding, but SHOWERS you are (unless otherwise stated) weird isn't it? but that's the "etiquette rule".
So, like I said set an amount your BF wants to spend (it's after all HIS best friend) - you can chip in whatever you can afford/want to spend - then SPLIT the amount and buy 2 things off the list. Wrap one for the shower and one for the wedding.
If it IS the two MIL's throwing parties, I would GO to the one your BF knows. Like his best mate's mom's shower.
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