A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:A new man I have been dating asked if we could try a swap. A couple swap.I agreed, out of adventure, and because I wasn't in love with him. We have a NSA arrangement, but not just 100% sexual.He talked like I was steady GF, and acted like it with this couple around. So, yesterday, we had this adventure. The irony is that he couldn't perform. Not with me, or even watching me and her. This was his fantasy. I was really surprised. He's quite full of life, usually. And it turned out not to be a full swap, but I was grateful. Hard enough to see him french kiss another woman. And see her try to give him a bj. So, now I know that I like him way more than I thought. So, now, when he took me home, and we said goodbye, I asked if I would see him again, and he said, maybe. Didn't kiss me goodbye. And now, of course, ignores my friendly IM message hello.I am blown apart. I am shocked. I probably shouldn't be surprised. I didn't like the thing really- empty . I feel he used me, because I have been with women, and he wanted to see this. I told him it didn't matter because he's great to be with no matter what...but....Okay, he was a rebound relationship, but I still am shocked he is acting like a child, and maybe too embarrassed to ever see me again. What should I do? Forget him? Hope he grows up? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 December 2009):
 I feel the need for a shower. I sincerely hope you don't reach out to this guy again--that might indicate he's not the only one who needs therapy, lol.
Hope you managed through the snow okay yourself!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate:
This guy needs major therapy.
I emailed him to see how he was in our really a bad snow storm. And so, I finally got a chance to talk to him. When I asked why he wanted to get back with me...for another swap, after he dropped me before, he said, he had fun the last time. He doesn't want anything serious or to even see me alone ( casually) but just wants group sex. He seems to think this is normal & okay. That you can have a swap with a woman you barely know. That you can lie to the other couple that you are long term couple.
Apparently he totally forgot what happened or how badly he treated me. Or that he told me my laugh was a turn off. That I was a turn off. Or that he dropped me at the parking lot and took off almost running.
I just needed closure which is why I chatted with him. Then I deleted him from my chat list.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, nearly 6 weeks later, I sent him harmless Happy T-Day greetings. And in reply, I get an offer to hook up with him, and try another swap.
Yeah right. Like that will happen. Wow, did that offer make me depressed for the whole afternoon.
Don't worry, I emailed him, "thanks but no thanks. "
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male
reader, Red Green 0289 +, writes (24 October 2009):
Consider yourself lucky to be rid of this jerk- what's he's said and done is wrong on sooooo many levels that I won't go into details, and I'm not talking about group play, but in how he treated you, blamed you, used you (and the other couple) to (try to) get his selfish needs met.You need to come out of this STRONGER than you went in, without ANY damage to your self image! You were a giving sex partner, game to allow him to explore his fantasy- that's a huge gift, and he crapped on it... his loss.I'm sure that there are alot of men who will find you their type, and that enjoy someone with a good sense of humor! Laugh out loud, and enjoy!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): Ummm, you said in your post that you did not love him and that is why you chose to agree to the swap.
And no I never made that kind of mistake....lucky me.
I don't believe in coddling people who are so blindly unable to see the consequences of their own behavior and put all their focus on the other person, of course all of us make mistakes including me, but their are limits to what is due to love blindness and what is due to some other problem.
All problems really boil down to an inability to think or errors in thinking and sometimes we can't see that in ourselves. That is why we are here on this site to point out the errors in your thinking so that you can do something to correct it, grow from it and hopefully now that you know better you can do better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionrhythmandblues 2,
i guess you never made a mistake out of love blindness.
lucky you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): It is clear that you may have learned a lesson about doing things that are out of the norm sexually and experimenting with group sex. You don't feel good about you. And why would you hang your selfworth and body image, sex appeal on a weirdo that would do this in the first place.
I think you are the one who is screwed up, who or what do you worship, value in life? Is it sex?
Then you are a sex addict without a moral compass and without a shred of self dignity or a smidgen of personal responsibility for yourself or others.
This guy is a creep, all around, wo why are you letting him tell you what to believe about yourself.
Vow to get a life that doesn't include seedy, smarmy behavior or men, you will be a lot happier.
You aren't a child, what the heck are you doing, you know better don't you.
I am sorry I have no sympathy for your situation because there is just no cure for stupid.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 October 2009):
You are wasting precious daylight, time, energy and brain cells on a man who simply isn't worth any of your lifetime allotment of those things. Why would you make his problem into yours? Or allow him to dump it on you?
Raise your right hand, fingers together, palm out. Make windshield wiper motion. You are waving "buh-bye." Repeat as necessary.
Call up your best girlfriends and make a spa appointment. And buy those great shoes! Alternatively, each time you start to feel low, read and answer questions here.
"He -backspace backspace- I am an amazing woman. He -backspace backspace- I am better than this man -backspace backspace backspace- sniveling coward."
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: He blames me for his failure. Apparently I am not attractive enough. He said, "It is obvious from that event, we have no future. You obviously aren't my type."I feel really low on sexual and self confidence, right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
I was interested in experimenting, and saw nothing wrong with helping him fulfill a fantasy. Our relationship is not serious. I was just flabergasted at his immature response. In every other way, he's very together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): Amen, oldersister.....cheer up chicky and move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): There should be more women like you in the world - it would generally be a happier place - literally bending over backwards to please your man.
He fucked up, not you. Move on and forget the insult. He's not worthy of any more of your concern or thought. What a tosser!
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmikefounds,
He was remarking on my laugh, period. I laugh a lot. At lots of things. I like to laugh. I see the humor in a lot of things. Better than crying, I say. I have never had someone insult me like this. and doesn't everyone have some quirk that drives their partner crazy? He is always on his cell/ texting.
desperately reaching for an excuse. It is so lame. SO obvious why he wants to not see me again.
I would never NEVER laugh at him for failing to perform. I felt terrible for him. i did this because I wanted him to have a good time. A huge risk on my part.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify, I didn't laugh AT him.
In fact,I tried to make it clear I thought he was a Hot guy, and I liked him for many reasons.
He came after me.
I did get angry and told him, he was a player and user.
His response was, let's not talk about it right now. He did say he was confused.
On the other hand, he did lie to this couple and said we had been together a long time. I had to play along- he didn't tell me he told them this. ( He later got mad at me because I didn't know this and said a few things that made it clear we hadn't been together long.) He even told this couple in fronr of me that he Picked me because I was the only real woman he hd met, the only honest one who had depth. I thought he meant it.
And now, he says I am not his type.
Liar. Player. Liars never prosper.
And he wonders why I am angry!
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A
male
reader, mikefounds +, writes (5 October 2009):
Hi, dumped via IM is cowardly, but I am curious if you did laugh. And if you laughed, why did you laugh?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): I think this is more a case of him dumping himself, and any excuse is better than the real one because it's less embarassing for him, right?
Don't take this as anything personal, it won't be anything to do with you, no matter how hard your laugh is. Or how soft anything else is. (:o)
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 October 2009):
He dumped you via IM? After you tried this swap with him at his request? HA! He's pathetic, a pathetic loser, a cowardly pathetic loser! (I'm hearing the chicken "bawk bawk BAWK" in my head.) I feel kinda sorry for him...he's demonstrated he's not quite manly enough in more ways than one. Via IM, Pfffft, indeed. Sorry, his stock is forever diminished in my view.
Chin up, you'll be fine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe just dumped me.
"You laugh too loudly."
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOMG, he just dumpd me via Instant Messanger.Why?I "laugh too loudly."And he's confused.And i am suddenly not his type.PFFT. More like he was humiliated yesterday and doesn't want me around as a reminder.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): Obviously his nerves got the better of him and now his ego has been dented with a sledgehammer blow because he feels he was a big disappointment all round. Shit happens I suppose, but I guess he needs reassuring about his manliness etc. One way might be for you to tell him that you're flattered he didn't enjoy sharing you.
Yes, he's embarassed about it as any man would be, so treat him gently for a while eh? The brain is the most important sex organ so concentrate on that before mentioning the other one.
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