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anonymous
writes: I am 26 years old and my ex partner is 32. We split up about ten weeks ago, two days after his birthday where we had a brilliant day and he told me that he spent it will the most important thing in his life. We had been engagement for two years and living together. Our wedding date was set for September with everything having been arranged. The night of his birthday I found a text on his phone from a girl who said she wanted him and could he phone her. I also read the reply which said 'I can't, my financee is here'. I obviously lost it with him and he was really upset that he could hurt me in that way. I walked out the next morning and went to my parents'. Later on in the day we talked and decided to sort it out we knew where the problems were me getting too absorbed in the wedding it was taking over my life etc. He felt that I had no time for him and all I wanted was the wedding and not really him. I went back that night everything was fine. Next day I got back from work and he was crying, saying he loved me, did not want to lose me etc but could not carry on and that it was over. He also said that I would find someone else and he would hate them for the rest of his life. We seen each other couple of times when first split but ended up arguing. It's now ten weeks and I was told by on of his mates that he had a new girlfriend. I texted him about this and he said that he would have told me and that he wants to be single and does not want a girlfriend. He also had a go at me for blanking him the other night. We have decided to be friends but he said that he is not ready to meet up with me. Does this mean that he is not over me? also do you think that there is any chance that we will get back together so I still love him more than anything and think he got scared off by the wedding etc ?
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (13 May 2005):
 He may not be over you, indeed. However, this could be due to the fact that he is confused and has been for quite a while. Possibly the wedding did scare him, the enormity of it all perhaps and the committment it involved.The fact that he is saying to you that he wants to be single but that he has a girl-friend does suggest confusion or perhaps just saying something to keep you happy, so that you don't feel rejected and hurt. He probably isn't being entirely fair with this other girl while he still has mixed emotions like this.I would suggest leaving him alone and allowing him to sort out his feelings. Tell him you are going to do this. You are giving him space. If you love him, then you should do this really because it seems he doesn't really know what he wants and time will only allow him to make up his mind.In the meantime, live your life. Get out and about, make new friends and don't wait for him to come to a decision about his life, live your own. I know this is far from easy but while he is like this, uncertain and not really knowing what he wants, it is best to give him plenty of space to sort himself out.Just let him know that you still love him, that you recognise that he is confused and that you want to give him time. That way, if he does come back to you, you know it is for the right reasons.Good luck.
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reader, smilechipper +, writes (13 May 2005):
hi, i dont think its fair that you are blaming yourself for all of this,his excuses sound feeble and always aimed at blaming you but why did he never talk to you about how he was feeling.you were about to become man and wife but he never told you he felt unwanted because the wedding was taking over the amount of time you had for him,youre angry with him-rightly so-maybe he was scared to get married and i think that because he betrayed you he then would worry that you would do the same back to him .its hard to be friends when it leads to rows with each other and it will be hard not to row because he has another girlfriend and thats painful for you to go through when you still love this man.if he agrees to try again with you suggest that there is no talk of marriage, set a time limit for you both of a good few months to just be a couple again .try to talk about things and listen to everything he has to say try not to get worked up stay calm even though its hard to do that with emotions running high ,he may not be ready to meet up with you because he is too hurt to discuss things just yet or maybe its the thought of another row thats putting him off but if he is adamant that he doesnt want to be tied down then youll have to respect his wishes i really hope things work out for you take care x
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reader, trayc +, writes (13 May 2005):
hi..In reply to your problem, I think that yes, maybe he has got scared but it's been 10 weeks, plenty of time for him to be missing you and thinking. He still hasnt come back or phoned; what does that tell you?Also when you was planning the wedding you said that he thought all you really wanted was the marriage and not him. Well, I think that it is blatantly obvious that you wanted him; that's what a wedding is all about. Women dream of this day and evrything has to be right. Surely he should know this? Maybe, yes, he was feeling left out and you could have got him involved more, but that's not your fault. He should have spoken up well before it got to this. I do think that this relationship is worth saving unless of course he has been having an affair! I don't see any major problems in your relationship. Try and give it another shot. Tell him how you feel and try and work on that. If that fails, then I think it's time to move on and get on with your life.
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