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anonymous
writes: I am 32 year old woman from South Africa, and whilesearching Google I found your web-site. I am hoping that I can get some help from you as I have reached the end of my tether.I am an overweight woman, not obese, and not unattractive. I have tried dieting, but have been unable to find the willpower to carry on. I have also been diagnosed with Bi-polar, and sometimes I find life too hard to bear.My problem is, that although I have good friends, I amextremely lonely, and find myself getting crushes on these wildly unsuitable men. I also indulge in cyber sex, and meet men int the chat rooms, as I have no idea how to go out there and meet them. I went to a male strip show some nights ago, and had the most wonderful time. After the show, some of the dancers came to meet us at the bar, and I spent some time talking to one. Before he left I asked him for a hug, and he kissed me, and told me that I was special. For the first time in years, I felt pretty, and special, and it felt good. But I would like to feel like that all the time, and I am tired of being so depressed. I haven't had a manic episode in so long. I fantasize about this dancer, and dream of a future with him, although I know that a woman like me would never stand a chance with him.How can i get rid of these thoughts of total worthlessness? I am so tired, I cry for no reason, and I would like, for once, to feel happy. I have contemplated suicide, but I am too scared, as I hate pain. I have recently had my teethfixed, a new hairstyle, and have started my own business all in the hope of finding some peace, by creating a new me, but the feelings inside remain the same, and I can't handle it. I am crying while I sit here and type this letterWhat advise can you give me please?Depressed-South Africa
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2006): Hello! my name is Paige and i moved to a different counrty just this year! i have made some new cool friends its just that here ... all the girls are realli skinny and well !! im not :( anyway i always feel sad because i miss my old friends and just dont feel happy living here i have told my parents but they just comfort me and say its going to be OK! but its not i hope that it becomes better soon :)
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reader, HappyTimeHarry +, writes (15 May 2005):
I feel a strong empathy with you. I myself am bipolar and wasted the last five years of my life where you are now. We are given only so much life to live, then it's gone. I know your pain. I drifted lifelessly from phase to phase seeking a reason to live, and I went in a downward spiral bouncing from mania to depression. I contemplated suicide often. The only thing you can do to get some measure of peace is to find something bigger than yourself and your problems. Not even my family could help me much, but they tried. For me that was something spiritual. I found my true self, who I was supposed to become before bipolar disorder started ruining my life. Not long after, I met my girlfriend I've been with for two years now. Let's face it though, our illness is not one with miraculous, courageous recoveries. It's a burden we have to bear for the rest of our lives, but it doesn't have to crush us and destroy our joy of life. Take care of yourself, and don't let your illness waste your life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2005): hi there depressed - south africa.Like you i am a big girl not obese but large framed.I had the same way of thinking as you are having too until one day i decided that i was not going to keep being so tough on myself.I came to the realisation that God made me the way i am for a good reason so who am i to argue.I used to lack confidence and wouldn`t dream of trying to find a guy because i didn`t believe that they would look at me once let alone twice.Then i just started to be more possitive about me like i really am beautiful in my own unique way.Ok so you may not be the perfect size 10 not many women are according to statistics any how.You need to really see your possitive points.I believe that i may not be supermodel material i may not be to all peoples taste but i have something they can`t take away from me my personality and my respect for myself.You need to learn to love yourself for the person you are before trying to enter into a relationship.If you can portray yourself as a confident woman who really doesn`t need a man to be happy you might find that the attention will start to come your way but you need to believe it deep within your heart in order to be who you truely know you can be.I hope this will be of some comfort and perhaps a little help to you.You are in my thoughts.Take care good luck and build your self confidense and sense of self worth. ok.xx
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (13 May 2005):
 You have begun to do the right things to increase your sense of self worth; by having your teeth and hair done and starting a new business but you also need to deal with the inner you.It does sound as if you are still depressed and you need to stop giving yourself such a hard time and recognise what you beautiful person you are beneath your skin. Think about your personality, think about who you really are. Try to imagine being a man, considering going out with you. What would he find attractive about you? Your sense of humour? Your warmth? Your intelligence? your sensitivity? Judging from the way you have written your letter, I bet you are a lovely lady, intelligent and warm. Write down your qualities. You aren't being big-headed, just honest about yourself. Write down your traits and put them in bold, capital letters. Stick them on the fridge or somwehere as a constant reminder. This is there for you to remember that you don't necessarily need someone else to tell you how special you are, you can recognise that all on your own.Of course you want someone to make you feel special; you deserve that but you need to feel confident in yourself initially to project that onto someone else. I guess in a way, you need to love yourself first and then the rest will come naturally.And you do love yourself because written down are all those lovely qualities that make you a person certainly worthy of knowing.I bet your friends think you are great. Have you told them that you feel lonely? What do they think of you as a person? Ask them and I believe what they say will tally with what you have written.So first and foremost, recognise who you are as a person, all that you have achieved, write all this down. A bit like a CV but instead of job experiences, think of your life experiences, think of all your attributes, your personal qualifications.Practise with your new found confidence by writing your own profile with an online dating site. I bet you will get loads of responses! This isn't the same as cyber sex and chat rooms, you don't have to respond if you don't want to and you never know who you may meet!Try going out a little bit more with your friends, not necessarily to meet a man, just to build up your confidence. Simply be friendly and pleasant with the opposite sex and they will respond.Remember that even if you don't meet someone who will make you feel special straight away, it certainly doesn't mean that you aren't special. It will happen in time.The reason you don't wish to diet is because you aren't prepared to do it for yourself. Look in the mirror, do you really need to lose weight? If you aren't happy, do it only for you. You are important to make feel better.If you eventually meet someone who doesn't make you feel good about yourself, move on. You deserve the very best.Everytime you feel yourself slipping into the negative thinking about yourself, think of how strong you are, think of how you are able to start your own business, turn your life around. You are even brave enough to not end it all when things are so hard. It isn't just because you don't want to feel pain, it is also because you want to live life! So learn to live it, step by step. You are special as your letter shows and a woman like you would stand a chance with an exotic dancer or a dustbin man. It doesn't really matter just as long as they recognise what a lovely person you are, just as you know deep down inside that you are (its there in black and white, and your friends can testify).Make your goal to increase your self esteem and then once you are armed with that knowledge and increased self awareness, get out there and bag a man who is worthy of you.
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reader, smilechipper +, writes (13 May 2005):
Hi there. I'm sorry to hear that you feel so unhappy when you have so much going for you. You sound as if you really try hard to get yourself out there and make changes in your life to make things better and you don't just hide away from life, like depression can make you feel like doing.You've done all the things we are told to do but it's not helping those deep feelings on the inside. I wonder if you are taking any medication for this depression and if so, whether you have been taking them for long enough for them to start working, or even if they suit you. Maybe you need a change of medication?Be strong. I hope it all works out for you x
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