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female
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anonymous
writes: hi, i am female of 27yrs and my boyfriend is 29. we have been together for 4 yrs now but i cant take anymore. he does things to me and tells me he is only joking. for instance he shows me intimate text messages from ladies and when i get angry with him he says he is only kidding or he might call me up to tell me about a girl that is all over him at the moment. i have tried not reacting as some friends advise me but he keeps doing this things to just annoy me.also if he asks me for much money and he knows i am a student and not working and i try to explain to him he get's angry and i really feel embarass.he does buy alot of stuff for me without me asking but he makes me feel bad afterwards cos he keeps on throwing it on my face that i am wearing his things.my friends have said i should stop accepting his presents.he also drinks alot but hasnt ever been abusive to me and he has told me he is on drugs but when i act concerned again he says he is kidding again. we plan to get married and i dont even know where he works. i have told him several times that would like to meet his colleagues but he has giving me so many excuses. am just concerned now cos i dont want to go into marriage with someone that makes me feel so down all the time. have tried leaving him before but he calls me back crying that no one has ever understood him not even his family. what do i do? am i been paranoid?pls help should i marry him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2005): No, you aren't being paranoid, dear-that's your inner voice calling out to you. So please listen to it. Thankfully, in your case there is no marriage to save yet and there are no children who desperately need their parents to love each other. In fact, the way you describe your relationship, I would not even consider you engaged. If you and your boyfriend were to break up, you might be sad for a while, but it would not be anything close to the disaster of a divorce. It's a good thing you are experiencing these feelings now...before you do marry this guy. You have a very immature, uncommitted boyfriend and I suggest-you consider taking a break from this relationship.
In a loving, caring relationship there are emotional needs we give to each other that make a person happy. These needs are much like cravings we all have- that, when satisfied, leaves you with a feeling of happiness and contentment, and, when unsatisfied, leaves you with a feeling of unhappiness and frustration. So far, your boyfriend has failed to make sure your needs are being met, all the while you are still attending to his needs. This relationship is unhealthy and very unbalanced. With his track record, it's not too likely that he will make a good husband for you....at least not now until he matures or gets to the place in his life where "he finally grows up" and this may take him years. So listen hard to your instincts about this guy because if you plan on marrying him just remember.. successful marriages require skill--skills in caring for the one you promised to cherish throughout life. And he's just not cutting it here. You have some big decisions to make-I wish you the best.
All the best and good luck, dear
Hugs, Irish
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (5 December 2005):
It sounds to me that you are really quite miserable in this relationship. And let me stress the point to the max that the way hes treating you IS NOT RIGHT and its just NOT ACCETABLE. No one, and especially not you who seems like a caring person and sensitive and understanding deserves this. Its wrong and he needs to be told. I think you should deffintly stop the marriage. You must tell him how your feeling. Tell him that his so caleld jokes are inaropiate and make you feel very down. And say to him 'do you want your gf, soon to be WIFE to feel like crap because of YOU?' and then see what he says, because hoenstly if he cant change after you express that then hes not a good person and you shouldnt be with him. I for so long have put up with people who make me feel like crap and as soon as i confront them say it was a joke, but you know you just have to realise they are to gutless to admit the truth and move on. Don't fight with them about it, just do it. He treats you very badly and you shouldnt be putting up with it. hes taking ADVANTAGE of your kind nature, your will to feel sorry for people and sympathise with them. Hes taking advantage of your way to put others before yourself. Don't let him do this anymore. I know its hard to dump someone especailyl when they make you feel guilty for it, but in the end its best for both people. He doesnt seem like a veyr happy person himself as someone who treats a person (and in particular someone they r meant to love and care for) like that musnt be happy with themself.Break it off- or atleast have a break, but before even considering to get back wiith him I would make sure he has changed and make him get counselling. This guys is messed up. If he tells you that 'but your the only person that understands me' line, tell him you dont 'i dont understand that why would someone, who is meant to be marriny me hurts me like hell. i dont understand why someone would make me feel so bad.' tell him that. and then just tell him you wont put up with him and his ways and that if he wants someone to UNDERSTAND him then go to counselling. honestly i think he needs it. its not your job to deal with his problems like that especailly not when he treats you like crap.i suggest you leave him, i know its hard but in the end, in the long term you will feel better and yo uwont have that guilt, you wont, you will realise its best. someone like him doesnt deserve to be in a relationship, he doesnt deserve to have someone. hes a cruel person.i hope all goes well for you :) take care
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2005): To me -from what you have said- he sounds like he really needs to grow up. I would be furious if someone did those things to me, especially the text messages. I mean, who are these "ladies" and why are they messaging him? I have male friends with girlfriends and I would never send any sort of messages like that to them. This guy sounds like he is scared, oppresive and likes the idea that you are at home, depending on him whilst he has his own private universe. You've been going out for 4 years and you don't know where he works? What sort of trust level or committment is that on his behalf? I bet if you showed him a sexy message some boy sent you, or didn't tell him where you studied or worked or anything he would flip. I understand that you love him but honey, my advice is that this guy sounds like bad news and run away from him. Please do not marry this man, he sounds like he will just hurt you in the end, big time. Please.
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