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female
age
41-50,
*ooluesue
writes: My significant other watches a lot of porn and we have sex about once a week. I want to be with him more. I feel like hes cheating on me because he is fantisizing about other woman. I feel very low and disgusting although I have very men hit on me and tell me I am beautiful and my other is a hell of a lucky man.
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female
reader, DeeDoc  +, writes (6 January 2007):
 HERE ARE MY THOUGHTS: First of all, your feelings are REAL, whether or not people agree with what you believe or not. You stated that YOU FEEL that it is a form of cheating. Therefore, in your point of view, he's cheating. Now, you have a choice. Either you can let him know how you feel and try to work things out mutually or you can keep your feelings in and feel cheated on. How will he ever know how you feel about porn if you do not speak up? Apparently he feels that you are okay with it, because you have not told him otherwise. Therefore, it probably will continue, and on a bad note, it just might progress. Good luck to you and go with what YOU feel.
A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (6 January 2007):
 Here we go agian Miss brave female anon....haraas somebody who has a different viewpoint to your own instead of being articulate and maybe expressing why you think your perspective is correct and passthechocolates is not! Show me the real researched evidence not your anecdotal BS about 'most female porn stars are victims of child abuse' or why women will always be harassed by porn watching men. Get a grip, get real and accept that people have opposing views! This is not about paedophilia or rape, they have choosen to make their careers in this industry. It is about choice.
Passthechoclate offers another solution that may work for this person. What is wrong with trying things out|?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2007): how intellegent passthechoclate, so you obviously dont give a crap about the way porn represents women, the impact of porn on attractive women who constantly are harassed by porn watching men or the fact that most of the female porn stars are victims of child sexual abuse...very ignorant of you I think
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A
female
reader, passthechocolate +, writes (4 January 2007):
Don't listen to these people who say porn is cheating, or that he doesn't care about you. Maybe you should watch it with him. As a woman who is very sexually aware, I can honestly say that watching porn can be fantastic. Even though I have no lesbian tendancies, watching lesbian porn can turn me on because I see other women like me recieving pleasure. Perhaps you need to suggest you re-enact some of these scenes, especially the ones he enjoys the most. Watch it with him and see if it turns you on too.
Don't let society's opinion of sexual desires contribute to how you feel.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007):
People like you always seem to miss out perhaps the most crucial piece of information in writing your questions!
What did you say to him to confront him, and how did he respond?
Do all you can to sort the problem out with him, without resorting to arguing and "you must love porn more than me" lines. Instead you tell him that him satisfying himself to porn leaves you feeling uncared for, disgusted and that you feel he has a closer intimacy to these porn stars than his real-life partner who also happens to love him, here you have been truthful with him but anyone who cares for you would now be feeling guilt, remorce, and have the need to correct things to heal your hurting feelings.
Yesterday I happened to give my first informal couples counseling regarding this very issue, it has probably gone on a little further and consequently the women was no longer interested in sex at all and the guy resented her, and took it as personal rejection. Men tend to behave much more childish to these kind of sexual/emotional problems than women do and that women in these positions need to be full with love, respect and a clear impression that no other women is for him; this will make it more likely for a women to open up. Not "you obviously don't love me because otherwise you'd have sex with me"; these such lines make a women feel she is providing a service in exchange for attention; not so dissimilar to a prostitute. So, not an avenue you really want your relationship to go down. We established a couple of things to immediately change in the relationship and I am sure things will change for them very quickly. You too can do the same. Easy fixed, if that is what you BOTH ultimately want. All the best!
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A
female
reader, rammsteinfan +, writes (1 January 2007):
 Have a talk with your S.O, and tell you how you feel. Guys look at porn much differently than us girls do. He is not cheating on you, unless he goes out alone and stays gone for a long time. Maybe he is thinking that you don't want sex that much if you haven't discussed this with him.
Get some sexy lingerie, and other clothes to make him look at you more. I know that if I have sexy lingerie under my clothes...I feel good! Share the porn together...watch it and act out the scene on the screen!!
Hugs and Good Luck!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2007): Male anon below, do be so fast to judge, hun. I don't think our female poster implied that she is doing something to initiate men to hit on her. I got the feeling from her words, that's it's highly likely she has been complimented in the past and some men may have made a comment or two about her attractivemness and also stated that her partner is 'one lucky guy!' I have seen many men do this. It does not mean she, herself, is putting herself out there. She should not to be blamed for how others react to her.
Usually when a man has a lovely wife who is willing to love him back, in all aspects...porn usually shouldn't be such a dependant outlet for him. It sounds like maybe your partner has a porn problem (addiction) as DavidLewis, pointed out or there is a deeply rooted problem within your relationship. re: communication and connecting in the emotional sense. Something is missing. I suggest you look into some couples counselling. Good Luck, dear
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2007):
Uh, who are these men coming out of nowhere hitting on you telling you that you are beautiful???
I think that you have to to be "putting yourself out there" if men feel invited to go up to a married women and make these sorts of comments. That kind of thing dosnt happen if you are minding your own business.
I am much more concerned about that about some guy watching porn in his own house.
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A
male
reader, maxsteel86 +, writes (1 January 2007):
 Your guy in my opinion, sounds a bit wierd. Why would he prefer porn over a real life beautiful person who loves him? I dont know the whole story but there's two possibilities I can think of. He's either addicted or he's not being satisfied in some way. If its the second one, then he's being an ass by not talkin to you about it first. If its the first, then it'll be difficult to get him off it especially if he doesn't see it as anything wrong.
Talk to him and find out which one it is. If he refuses to be open minded and see things from your point of view, then you should find someone who makes you feel special. If he doesn't realise how lucky he is, then surely he cant be right for you
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2007): Hi honey,
Happy new year to you,i 100% beleive you are very beautiful and you shouldnt worry about this, however, on the other hand, porn is cheating, i dont care what any1 says, its cheating, if he was to go to a strip club and get off by watching the dancers, yes hes not touching them, but getting off on it, its cheating. Its the same with pictures, yes its just paper, but its doing the same thing.Think about it, if he was to do that right next to you, would you stand for it? i dont think so, so anything that your partner cant do next to you, your gut is telling youits wrong for you,there4 how does doing it in another room make it ok? every1 is different,alot of women dont mind porn .
He should be happy with you, if its even effecting your sex life, he needs a good talking to, tell him how youfeel.Communication is the key.Personally,i would never stand for it, but ive been lucky i suppose.
And your not alone feling insecure next to these women.
Tell him to stop,and if he doesnt, he has no respect for you. End of. If your man cares,he would stop. Guys willalways lookat other women,its nature, but jerking off to them is wrong,and hes not being true to you.
Try asking him what it is about these women that he likes, what they are wearing? doing? and try it yourself in the bedroom.
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