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male
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*adman
writes: Hi to all,seems I need your advice again.One month before Christmas I met someone and it seems I am now in love with her.Here is her story: been married very young with someone that was not treating her very nice (he was abusing her is more suitable). She has two daughters but her husband has left the family for somebody else, something that happened many times in the past, but always she was accepting him back mainly under the pressure of her relatives.She insisted that this time there was not a chance to accept him back neither her or the girls.I started vising them almost every evening, eventually we came closer but we did not have the chance for nothing more physical than some kissing since we were never alone.(the girls and her father).BUT suddenly her husband is back although she says he stays like a visitor just to save the rent.She insists that he loves me and she would like to be with me but waits until he goes out again. Despite all her 'love' the only time we talk is when I an going to the business she works and I am the only one who is told this version of what is going on because to everybody else she is telling that she is still alone and does not know if her husband is going to come back. She has closed her cellphone and seems very terrified if I mention that i would like to visit her at her house maybe under my proffesional capacity. Maybe she just lying to me and want to 'save me for later'. Maybe I should tell her to stop all this 'I love you BS' until she is ready to do something more to show her love.What do you think? PS Sorry it's a long post.
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female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (3 March 2007):
 I do not doublt that she this woman has feelings for you but she is having her cake and eat it.
She is not being very fair on you and not showing that she will commit.
Without knowing her full circumstances, I suspect that it must be difficult for her, with the children as well. However, from her behaviour, she is not working at her marriage at all.
She must decide who she wants!
Anti-depressants are not the answer and you must be strong for her. Perhaps have some time away from each other and let her make her mind up first.
Can't be good for the kids that Mum keeps disappearing different times of the day. This is not playing happy families.
Bottom line is if she does not love her husband and loves you instead, then it is best for all concerned that she breaks her marriage. Clearly she is not happy with it.
I am sorry for being blunt, it is so easy to have an opinion as an outsider but you also have a choice of letting this woman control so much of the situation. Tell her how you feel about all this and make a stand for what you need out of this relationship.
I would personally move on as she may never be ready to commit. Not easy I know but let's face it, ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
Be strong and lots of hugs
Angel of Love
A
male
reader, sadman +, writes (2 March 2007):
sadman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again to all and thanx 4 the answers.Please read the rest of my story and give me some answer.I am really getting crazy about this thing.
We have mutually agreed to minimise our 'chat& touch' in the place she works to avoid problems arising with the management & stuff.Nevertheless she is telling me that she wants me when nobody is close to hear it.The other day I was walking down the street and she was driving home with her two daughters.She pulled over immediately and after I had some fun with the daughters -who both like me-she told me that the husband will be away for a week and so she will call me to have some dinner at home and then when the girls go to bed 'maybe we go out or smth'.But the husband was back in 2 days ( she says) so this did not happen. Last Saturday came to my place 8:30 in the night ,she was vey upset she said ''I was driving around and I thought I should go to the only person in this world who understands me''.Unfortunatelly I had some other arrangments so we left after 30 mins, with just a goodnight kiss.She was there again Sunday morning but this time her daughters woke up and called her so she left again.She insists that she will not give me her celphone number as long as the husband is home because she is afraid that I may call and he finds out about it.Now she promised me that she will suprise me again this weekend when she will manage to escape from home and come to my place.I am afraid she is just playing with me or just keeps me interested just in case she will need somebody sometime.
I am loosing it, I am lossing her, I am loosing everything... I am taking antidepressants now.
Please Please Help
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (12 February 2007):
Why would a woman have husband back is he was not treating her right before.
Even if she believes that she telling you the truth, moving hubby back in was not a clever move, whatever reason given. you only know one version of the story. If she wanted hubby to be a better father to the girls, he does not have to live under the same roof. Family image is more damage if people see this guy check in/out of the house like a hotel. What should be more important is here is not to confuse the kids any further, and consider feelings of all concerned. Family image is all very good, but if everyone is miserable, then the focus in the wrong area.
She says she does not love and hopes that he leaves soon.
He went back into the house and she let him, that is a fact. She needs to take control and be strong, take the initiative and kick him out.
Meanwhile, I would advise you to take some time out for your sake and once she sorts her life out and is available 100% then you both can try again.
From a woman's point of you, if my husband was not good to me and left, I would have said good riddens not move him back in to try again. I am not convinced that she is telling you the whole truth but then again it is only my opinion and you know her better than I do.
Hope things work out.
Angel of Love
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A
male
reader, sadman +, writes (5 February 2007):
sadman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOne more thing:she has dropped the husbands surname and she is using her family name and she says she does not want other people to know details because she feels already ashamed having the husband going out of the house and then taking him back in for so many times.
She wants everyone to know that although he is not treating her nice she's willing to accept him for the sake of the 'family image'.
According to her the only person to whom she has told all the details is me because she is not trusting anybody else.
Come on ladies,I am shure you knwow better how the woman;s mind work.Is it possible she telling me the truth?
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A
male
reader, sadman +, writes (5 February 2007):
sadman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanx for all your answers!Really helpfull.Just one thing to clear:Of cource she has not having him back as a lodger! I am sorry I have not made that clear.According to her story: she accepted him back because she doesnot want to be the one to be blamed and she is shure that he would leave again for good very soon.
He is not doing anything to become the father and the husband he should be (and probably never was)Instead he does not talk to her at all nor to the girls exept from complaining about everthing (but it's better than verbally abusing her as he was doing b4) and most nights he is not at home at all untill late.He is the one to save the rent he was paying for the flat he was renting.
She has actually asked me to wait for a little time if I can, untill he's gone for good.She insists that she doesnot want him anymore but she does not want to be accused that she destroyed the marriage
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2007): I think you know already just where this is going! Who in their right minds would want their estranged husband back as a lodger??? No one! She doesn't seem to want you to get in touch, er, alarm bells are ringing in my head, why aren't they doing the same to you? Come on - you deserve better, this woman is just keeping you dangling on a thread in case the thing with her husband doesn't work out. You need to finish it now, move on and meet someone you so deserve, don't hang around like a spare leg!
Take care
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2007): I think you know already just where this is going! Who in their right minds would want their estranged husband back as a lodger??? No one! She doesn't seem to want you to get in touch, er, alarm bells are ringing in my head, why aren't they doing the same to you? Come on - you deserve better, this woman is just keeping you dangling on a thread in case the thing with her husband doesn't work out. You need to finish it now, move on and meet someone you so deserve, don't hang around like a spare leg!
Take care
xx
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (5 February 2007):
 I think this woman is having her cake and eating it. Her cell phone is switched off because she's terrified you call because she's told her husband (for whatever reason, I get the feeling it's financial) that she'll give it another go with him. She won't allow you to come round for the same reason. She is also lying to her friends about her situation so how could you ever trust her? She doesn't even want you round in a financial capacity in case the kids spill the beans and blurt out that they know you because you've been round before.
I would forget her love, she's playing a horrible game with you. Move on and find someone who is hones and is willing to give themselves to you 100%, you deserve better.
Eve
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A
female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (5 February 2007):
Husband back to save on rent? Is he the only lodger she could find?
This is not a healthy situation regardless of reasons given.
Your instincts are right, wait til she is completly available, ready to commit to a relationship then you can both give it a go. That is if you are happy to wait for her, as her backup plan. You could be waiting your time or being used?
Til then, try to stay away. Get out there and meet someone who is willing to commit to you.
She might want to give her marriage a change for the kids sake.
Hope it works out for you.
Angel of Love x
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