A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:My long distance boyfriend and I have recently started having sex, he has been to see me two weekends in the past month and a bit and both times we have engaged in sexual activities. He can 'get it up' and maintain and erection over me however he doesn't cum? He lets me orgasm but never does his self. I haven't asked him why because I don't want to make a 'thing of it' and make it a problem psychologically. I want to know what to do? I want to feel like I'm pleasuring him as well as him pleasuring me.. Or is he just not that attracted to me?
View related questions:
engaged, erection, long distance, orgasm Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 October 2013):
 Ask him. But my guesses are: he was a virgin, and when a guy is new to sex it can take him a while to figure out how it works for him. Or: he was a virgin/very inexperienced, and worried he would come too fast, so masturbates before having sex with you so that he will last longer.
You need to talk to him. If you can be naked and poke each others genitalia, then surely, talking about mentioned genitalia shouldn't be a problem.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (28 October 2013):
 This can be a problem for some men (I dated a guy like this once) - you need to be very careful and very patient with this issue. It does not mean he is not attracted to you, he will be 100% attracted to you and if you start stressing that he doesnt fancy you it will make him feel worse.
You need to talk to him about it, but be careful with how you word it. Dont make it sound like you are whining, that you are upset, that you feel like you are doing something wrong etc - basically dont make it about you. Make it about him.
So next time you see him say that you really enjoyed the last weekend you were together etc, but you noticed that he didnt orgasm. Ask him if there is anything in particular that you can do to help him enjoy himself more, ask if he has any favourite positions, fantasies etc. If you ask him about it he probably will explain so just be kind and patient, it will be a big deal for him. Men are very conscious of anything to do with sex and their penises, especially when it comes to their performance in bed so make sure you are super comforting and kind, dont put any pressure on him and reassure him that its fine and you'll work through it together.
The guy I was dating had actually never achieved an orgasm through sex before (he was 28) which really shocked me! He said he really enjoyed it but simply never 'got there'. He also struggled when masturbating to achieve an orgasm so it wasnt just with women, he pretty much had to develop his own technique when masturbating to achieve an orgasm. And because he couldnt cum when having sex, he masturbated a lot which in turn made the problem worse - the feeling of a hand is very different to having sex and he'd almost programmed himself to only cum when he masturbated. Oral sex didnt work either!
We were not dating that long so he never achieved an orgasm with me, but as the months went on he was getting closer and enjoying it more - I was very patient and just did my best to make sure he was comfortable and didnt feel there was any pressure.
I'm 99% certain that this will be some sort of performance anxiety and its all in his head, it might stem from problems with sex in the past, he might be petrified of getting you pregnant, he might be nervous about coming too soon which has manifested itself into an inability to orgasm....there could be many reasons for the problem but I can assure you, it isnt anything to do with you.
Try talking to him about it and just be patient - the longer you are together the easier it will get.
...............................
|
