A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a daughter with my boyfriend (he is the only boyfriend I've ever had), and he goes 3 weeks to month with out seeing us sometimes. We see him the most once a week if that and he lives 15 minutes from us, but he says he doesn't like to drive. He blows us off all the time for his friends too. When I got pregnant in highschool my whole life changed and his stayed the same its been 5 years of this she is starting to ask me questions about why he isn't around, and whenever I talk to him about he turns it around on me that its my fault he doesn't see her. Or he will make plans to take her and doesn't show up and when I confront him he says he sorry and will work on it, but he never does and it always stays the same.... I'm tired of this and ready to move on do you think that is the best thing or do you thinkhe will ever grow up and start to be a good dad and boyfriend?
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (18 March 2014):
 5 years of his irresponsible BS and you’re still wondering; “…will he ever grow up and start to be a good dad and boyfriend?” Is there something stopping you from seeing reality? Evidently he did not want nor except to be a Dad at this stage!?
Clearly his actions thus far have shown you, he’s not interested or is incapable in being anything to you and his daughter in any emotional capacity, and too think he lives a mere 15 minutes away!? Yet has he at least been responsible in contributing some payments?
You could, as suggested file for child-support in your country, get the Courts involved for visitations etc.; receive benefits and that way it’ll keep him in the picture; which will be more trouble than you think.
Or if possible, have a private voluntary agreement with him in writing, to automatically debit X amount $ each month for his daughter from his bank account into yours and move on. (Of course this can only be managed if he has a level mature head on his shoulders.)
Personally, I encourage you to focus on finishing College and applaud you for working… He on the other hand, is not going to change! And as far as him being “the only boyfriend you’ve had”; take the friend out of boyfriend and all you’ve got is a BOY!
Take Care – CAA
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2014): Like other posters have said, file child support and do so before he runs away. Since you're not married, he has no legal ties with you. I would be planning to run away if I were him - why halt my life for a child?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2014): Then please put your knowledge and education to good use.
Get legal child-support payments and try to move on. Your story sounds very much like someone who doesn't have an education; and doesn't know any better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWise owl....I am a highschool graduate and I have less then a year left in college I am not a highschool drop out. Yes I did have unprotected sex and had a child but i have worked everyday since to give her good life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2014): Get a legal order for child-support, and stop using your daughter as a hook to hang-on to a piece of sh*t for a absentee-father, and make-believe boyfriend.
He isn't your boyfriend. You call him that; because he hasn't officially broken-up with you, and you don't have the strength to end it and move on.
Face it. You're raising your daughter alone. He just stops by when you nag him enough. So at least get child-support payments; and get yourself a decent education, so you can give you and your daughter a good life. If you had a good education and a good job, you would be too independent and busy to be dealing with baby-daddy drama. You'd become a very strong woman. You'd be the invincible single-mom.
You didn't have to quit school, or give up an education because of a child. I know women with more than one child and still going to night-school and getting a degree. They get daycare, and have a job. So you're wasting your time chasing some slacker loser around, calling him your boyfriend.
Having unprotected sex and getting pregnant was a sure way to get pregnant, not to keep a boyfriend. He doesn't feel a thing for either of you. In his mind, you're both a burden; and he'd sooner disappear than deal with either of you. He had no intention of becoming a father; so don't expect him to want to be a lovey-dovey daddy to your daughter. It's more about you than her anyway.
Empower yourself. Rebuild your life and look forward to your future for your child and you. You can turn all this around to something positive.
Right now, you have a lot to do. First things first. Get those child-support papers filed. It won't make him feel any better or worse about you. In fact, it's not about you. It's about your daughter. You were young and made a mistake. You're an adult now. Fix it.
You deserve happiness and love. Your daughter deserves to a stable and loving environment. She needs to grow-up watching her mommy smiling and happy. Not sad and all alone.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (17 March 2014):
 I wouldn't consider him a boyfriend either. Any guy who can go weeks to a month without seeing you is not a boyfriend nor, apparently, is he any kind of father.
Cut him loose and don't contact him again (let your attorney do that when you go after him for child support). If he wants to see his daughter, he can call you to arrange it, but don't schedule your life around him. You agree to a day and time that is convenient for YOU. If he's late or doesn't show up, his loss, don't chase him. Do keep a log though as this may be useful in a custody case.
Speak to an attorney about custody about child support payments. Don't say anything to him about that until you get whatever information you need. You don't need him becoming nasty and spiteful before you're ready.
As far as your daughter is concerned, do not complain or badmouth him, but just as important, do not lie or make excuses for him. Do not tell her how much he loves her and how busy he is and is doing the best he can. You can only show her how much YOU love her and she doesn't need to grow up feeling guilty for being angry with deadbeat dad. Be supportive, but matter of fact and as honest as you can and let her form her own opinion of him.
If you're going to have all of the responsibilities of a single mother, you might as well have the benefits of one.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 March 2014):
I'm not sure he's actually your boyfriend any more. If I was you I wouldn't expect anything but money from him. He may change in time, but right now he just doesn't care very much about you or your child.
I don't understand how guys can do this, I want to see my kids every day. Drop him and look for a guy that will actually love you and your child.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (17 March 2014):
 I don't think he will grow up any time soon and be the dad you want him to be.
Does he help you financially? Or do you take care of that yourself?
If he doesn't I would tell him that you need him to help out or simply file for child support.
How can he be your BF if he stays away for 3 weeks to a month?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2014): Exactly, you said, grow up. How old is he? In his early 20s?
You guys desided to give it a go at very early stage . You obviously didn't go farther as to make it a union, you are still not married. He does what he wants, and you are with your daughter full time. Ussualy this is how it is, it's always a mother who is with a child, and in a very small percentage a father ( talking about equality). One day he will grow up may be at 35, and then your daughter will be teenager, all grown up, and then he will show her around saying, look its my baby, having nothing to do with raising her.
My advice is to move on . If you guys still not married , your daughter is already 5, it's not likely going to happen. You don't even live together.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2014): "When I got pregnant in high school my whole life changed and his stayed the same"Males enjoy the biological prerogative to disengage and walk away from unwanted pregnancies. It sucks, but that's the way it is."he turns it around on me that its my fault he doesn't see her."You need to go to court to obtain orders of child support and visitation. That way he will be compelled to fulfill his legal and moral obligation to support his child to his fullest ability to pay, and if continues to choose not to get involved in his child's life then it's on him, not you. "I'm tired of this and ready to move on do you think that is the best thing" You need to devote all your efforts to being the best possible mother you can under difficult and unfortunate circumstances. "or do you thinkhe will ever grow up and start to be a good dad and boyfriend?"Very, very unlikely. The time to determine whether a guy is a suitable father is BEFORE you lay down and make a baby with him.
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