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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: HelloI'm having a bit of a problem. I'm 24 and at christmas i lost my virginity to my boyfriend. We have only had sex twice and it wasn't that great. It was without condoms (long story, and yes i know about safe sex etc) The problem is, since then he hasn't wanted to have sex with me. I have just found out that its because i'm not on the pill and he HATES condoms because they are a real 'passion killer'. I don't know what to do. I didn't realise condoms were so horrible to use. The problem is that i am scared of going onto the pill as i don't like the idea of it. But, part of me thinks that as i am new and still a bit frightened by sex etc that my boyfriend should be more sympathetic to my feelings and that we should try with condoms for a while until such a time when it is appropriate for me to transfer onto the pill. I feel like i am a villain and being evil for not being on the pill already and i'm really upset by all this. I'm having problems getting my head around the whole 'sex' thing as it is without added pressure. I feel its all on me and i feel so inadequate and worthless. Is going on the pill such a big deal??? should i just make an appointment and go on it as soon as possible???
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christmas, condom, lost my virginity, the pill Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007): Hello,
thanks for your replies - but no i'm not pregnant, and i have had a long dicussion with my boyfriend. He doesn't like condoms because he thinks they are unpleasant to deal with afterwards and awkward. Its nothing to do with sensation etc. We just aren't going to do anything until i'm on the pill. He even agreed that as soon as the male pill comes out, he will go on it as he knows i'm not totally happy about the pill. He is coming with me to the doctors too! But part of me still thinks that if he really wanted to be with me he would try using a condom once in the meantime before me getting protected on the pill.
A
female
reader, Daysie  +, writes (16 January 2007):
 I think you should forget about birth control for the time being because you could already be pregnant. Get a pregnancy test kit and double check you are not already pregnant. Then when you know either way see a family planning clinic and discuss all the options for a healthy sex life. As a woman, comdoms do nothing for me either LOL, like making love with a washing up glove! But STDs are a fact of life and unless you can trust your partner not to cheat and know his full medical record then you have to put yourself first, whatever he says.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2007): For the guy, condoms do make sex pretty lame. It just takes away 90% of the feeling. Also condom like to break. Never rely solely upon them. Although if you arent on BCPs then thats a hard thing to do. If you don't want to go on BCPs then don't. A lot of people are morally opposed to them and there are as many negative side effects as positive.
Heres my opinion: The guy probably doesn't want to wear a condom for two reasons. 1. It dulls the feeling. 2. Men have something in their brain that make them want to spread their seed.
If you aren't on the BCP you probably shouldn't have sex, unless pregnancy isn't a huge deal to you.
Also don't let him talk you into getting them or into not wearing a condom. If he says hes not going to wear a condom then tell him your not going to have sex with him. Getting BCPs should not be a mutual decision. It does not effect the male at all...only the female. It is entirely your decision and you shouldn't be influenced in the least by him. If he can't respect you for who you are without sex then I would throw him to the curb.
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A
male
reader, DocSilverback  +, writes (14 January 2007):
 If this was actually your first time having sex, it will be uncomfortable to say the least. But, as with time, you will enjoy. I have to say that you having sex without protection is NUTS. Forget what he states about not using condoms due to the fact of them not feeling as good as the real thing. He apparently has NOT been practicing safe sex and if you lay with him or someone else that feels this way, you might just take something home that you cannot wash off! Like an STD or you might just fall in the catagory of a pregnant woman WITH an STD. I say do some research on this topic, it can only HELP you, not harm you. Remember, STD's have no preference....experience or very experienced with sex. If you are sexually active without using protection these days, you are playing Russian Roulette with your life...remember that. He's feelings toward not using a condom is not worth the rest of your life....I say give him back the smoking gun.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2007): Why not strike a deal... ask him to use a condom for a while, and in the meantime go to make an appointment with your GP to discuss the pill.
I'm not sure whether the pill should be considered a big deal.. as I am not a woman. As far as I am aware, it works for the vast majority of them, but there may well be side effects and long term disadvantages that you should know about.
Something worthy of note is the fact that a new contraceptive pill is in development, for men. See http://uk.askmen.com/love/dzimmer_60/72_love_answers.html
that site claims that it is even more effective than the female pill! 100% compared with the female's 99%. You could discuss that with him.. because it sort of forces him to see the situation from your point of view.
Also, durex do these 'ultra thin' condoms.. just as safe apparently, but more sensation.
Good luck.
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A
reader, sexylinz +, writes (14 January 2007):
 weather you go on the pill or not is up to you, when you are ready. if you feel like you want to know the benefits and side affects of bein on the pill to make ur mind up go to ur doctor and ask about it. you dont have to decided there and then. you can always go back.
in the mean time carry on using condoms. you need to sit your boyfriend down and explain to him that as you are not on the pill condoms are a MUST and you are not willing to have sex without them. but also there are aslo different types of condoms out there. some of them can even enhance the pleasure. all you need to do is try different condoms n find the right one for you both.
i'd try a product like durex feather light, and see how that works for you both.
hope this helps x
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A
female
reader, shazzi +, writes (14 January 2007):
 You sound like a lovely girl your boyfriend doesnt deserve you, if hes not willing to use a condom forget him. Sex is horrible to begin with, using a condom is immaterial to the pleasure but a must for protection. just try to relax next time and you will enjoy it too. As for your current boyfriend he sounds a bit of a jerk.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (14 January 2007):
 Well, to answer your question, yes. You should absolutely go on the pill. There's nothing scary about it. Even girls who aren't having sex go on the pill to regulate their periods (or some do to help with skin problems... I don't know about that one, but many seem to do it).
The pill is a great way to save yourself from getting pregnant... oh, and also - while you're at the doctor, or Planned Parenthood - wherever you decide to go, you and your boyfriend ought to get checked. Just in case. Because the pill doesn't protect you from STD's.
However, I do think your boyfriend should be a little more considerate to your feelings. I don't think he should put the sole responsibility on you, especially when you don't know if you want to go on the pill. Condoms aren't a "passion killer" - babies are. And that's what you're going to end up with without condoms or birth control.
You aren't a villian and you're not evil for not wanting to go on the pill yet. But someone has to do something about protection. And I think him using condoms for just a little while until you're ready to transfer to the pill is a fine compromise.
There are different forms of birth control than the pill. There's a shot you can get, there's a patch, the female condom, there's Nuva Ring (which is a ring filled with hormones that you put in your hoo-hah. You can't feel it when you're having sex, promise). There are tons of options.
Go to: http://www.plannedparenthood.org/ and check out the section on birth control. It'll give you all the information you need.
As for the sex, it gets better. The first couple of times with a new partner can be awkward and weird. And really... not so good. But after you get used to each other, it gets much, much better.
This is a two way street. Your boyfriend shouldn't leave the protection up to you and you alone. You should use condoms until you figure out a different method, one that you're comfortable with.
Good luck, sweetness. Birth control (pills, condoms and other things) isn't scary. It's fabulous!!
xxIndia
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A
female
reader, sweetiegirl  +, writes (14 January 2007):
 You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and yes your b/f should be understanding of what you want, plus there are other methods for safe sex, ask your doctor they'll know more about that. But if you don't want to go on the pill just yet then don't do it when your ready not when he's ready it's your body. So talk to you b/f about the worries you are having and talk to your doc about other ways you could have safe sex withou the use of condoms, plus has your b/f ever tried thin layer condoms they feel almost as good as not having one on.
So I hope that helps
Sweetie
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