A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, folks. I need your advice on this one. Here's the story. I had a friend and we were a part of a larger group of friends and we were all part of a local sports club. He and I were really good pals, in fact I would class him as one of my closest pals, we're pretty much the same age, are interested in each others work and share a similar sense of humour and outlook on life. It's worth me mentioning here that I'm female and he's male and we're in our 30s. Two years into our friendship he introduced me to his girlfriend (who he had started dating around the time we first met). We'd had no reason to meet before but she wanted some work advice and he asked if I would help her. I also think that he was keen for us two women to be friends. Long-story short, is that over 2-3 months I started to form a relationship with this person but found that some of her ways of thinking and behaviours were not the that of which I was looking for in a friend and it put me in a really awkward situation. I also had a lot going on in my personal life with a life threatening illness.I knew that I was moving away shortly (nobody else knew this yet) and I started to distance myself from the relationship. A mutual friend asked what was going on (a known gossip) and I declined to explain. Mr Gossip kept pushing and pushing digging for dirt. I declined to explain and said that it would just cause trouble amongst the group of friends and that my friend would of course not see my perspective on this because it's his girlfriend etc. Anyway, eventually after repeated niggling and pushing I gave in and told Mr Gossip the story, asked him explicitly not to repeat it, and he ran right to my friend and told him. By this point I was in the process of moving cross-country. When I came back to visit a few months later I was invited to the pub with the group, both my friend and Mr Gossip too. My friend wouldn't talk to me and was visibly angry. Mr Gossip said nothing. I left after 30 minutes. This was summer 2019. Anyway, 2020 rolls along and I have not been able to go back and visit for obvious reasons. I had planned to. One of my big disappointments and mistakes is that I didn't have words with Mr Gossip and that I didn't clear the air with my friend. It is hanging over me. Readers might question what took me so long and the sidenote here was that I was going through some serious ill health at the time requiring treatment so I had plenty going on in my life to worry about. I've thankfully had the all-clear since and have a bit more mental bandwidth to process everything. Like many, in the past year I've been evaluating everything and the loss of my friend is one of the things I feel is unresolved. Two weeks ago I emailed my friend. I thought it the least invasive way of contacting him. I basically said that I'd processed everything and eluded that someone else had meddled and that I should have addressed it with all involved. I asked to meet for a coffee and I got no response.The thing is that I think of my friend all the time. I've found old text and photos and I can't stop thinking about him. My head says let it go, I sent an olive branch and it wasn't received. My gut feeling won't let it go. We had a big connection and we both know that.The philosopher in me says that if he's meant to be in my life then we'll find a way back to each other.ABers...what do you think?
View related questions:
text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (17 April 2021):
 I cannot put it any better than someone who has already figured out why people come into our lives. Here is what they think - and something I totally agree with.
Hope it helps you.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2021): Something everyone has missed here is "Mr Gossip" already knew something was stirring hence he kept on digging because he had heard something from your friend and girlfriend. You eventually just gave him what he/they wanted, your thoughts on whatever he was pushing for.Also maybe he has changed his email address and doesn't use the one you have sent message to? Maybe not highly likely but possible...But if you can conclude he got your message then there is little else you can do, he may have a lot going on and simply hasn't got round to responding but almost certainly I would in your shoes just now accept unless you hear otherwise the friendship is over.I've had very good friends in my life who for whatever reason leave my life. I can accept blame on my part but on reflection can also see that they also played a part, so don't beat yourself up over it, you have done what you can to make amends.I have split up with my partner of four years, he has cut me out of his life, sadly people who you think thought a lot of you are capable of becoming strangers almost overnight, if they do it, it says more about them than you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2021): Better said:
"We all *evade* the truth, or the facts; when we feel they might make us look bad."
We are not scolding you, my dear. You need an understanding of why your friend has avoided you; and might be unwilling to discuss, or resolve the tension between you. Lay low, and give him time. Otherwise, just move on. The gossiper surely added his own poison to intensify the drama; but couldn't have, if never given the opportunity.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2021): Please don't take offense to anything I've said. I don't participate on DC as an uncle to hurt feelings, or to provoke animosity. I speak frankly, and sometimes we hit a tender nerve; but if you want honest answers you have to take the bad with the good. You came for advice from people who don't know you; and we didn't bear witness to what happened. However, we can speculate based on your comments in your post; sometimes little tidbits of your motives or intentions are exposed. Even when some OP's attempt to slant our opinions and responses in their favor; without giving the other side any benefit of the doubt. Every aunt and uncle here knows there are two-sides to every story.
By no means was I implying that you were a bad friend. You are human, and somethings what we think or do, will be "rationalized;" in order not to see ourselves, or be seen, in a bad-light. We deceive ourselves into believing we mean well, when there may also be some ulterior motives present as well. It sometimes takes the objective observations of others to force us to look at our true motives. Don't deflect on us, remember that it is your friend who has decided not to speak to you. It's what he thinks that matters more than anything we say or think; we're only a bunch of strangers who don't know any of you. Yet you came to us for advice.
Here's what I based some of my comments on:
"Long-story short, is that over 2-3 months I started to form a relationship with this person but found that some of her ways of thinking and behaviours were not the that of which I was looking for in a friend and it put me in a really awkward situation."
You may not see eye to eye on many things; yet you did judge your friend's girlfriend's behavior, and her way of thinking. Are we wrong to do the same? Anyway you slice it, your opinions of this woman is biased; and can be tainted with jealousy. Intentional or unintentional, what do you think your friend believes?
"Anyway, eventually after repeated niggling and pushing I gave in and told Mr Gossip the story, asked him explicitly not to repeat it, and he ran right to my friend and told him."
What did you expect??? Knowing the gossiper was not a reliable or trustworthy individual; you shared a negative-opinion regarding someone who is a love-interest of someone you just so happen to consider your best friend. Your friend knows the gossiper didn't only expose this to him, but to others as well. You essentially slandered his girlfriend.
We can only theorize or speculate why you yielded under pressure, and shared what you knew could get back to her through a person well-established to be a gossip. Telephone, telegraph, tell-a-gossip!!! Imagine how she must feel. She trusted you.
The word got-out and the beans are spilled! If not intentionally, or with malice; subconsciously, you knew and desired the word to get to your friend. Maybe assuming you were only giving him a warning. What benefit is there in the gossiper knowing?
The mistake is, you added a third-party. Someone of questionable-character, to be entrusted with a potentially-hurtful opinion; and could be spread to others who may judge your friend's girlfriend, based on your singular and possibly misguided perception. That doesn't make you a bad-person; it does show poor-judgement, and explains exactly why your friend is upset with you. Your actions were precipitous. You knew no-good might come of them. It was between you and your BFF, nobody else! It would have been best kept to yourself; until you found a more personal and sensitive way to convey your opinion.
Please except a sincere apology for any offense, but I don't apologize for being straight with you. I'm not here to tell people what they want to hear. I comfort, inspire, and lift-up those who are down, grieved, and heartbroken. I try to educate and share the wisdom of my experience; when I see situations where people sometimes delude themselves, or are in denial. We all elude the truth, or the facts; when we feel they might make us look bad. I don't think someone as faithful to a friend as you seem to be, is a bad-friend; but I do feel you may have allowed yourself to expose something that should have been kept to yourself. Hence, failing to consider the possible consequences beforehand.
My advice goes-out to whomever can benefit from it. I'm never offended when people rebuke, scorn, or ignore it. That's every reader or OP's prerogative. Me myself? I accept advice, constructive criticism, and opinions. Even when they're hard to swallow; because I'm a Christian who seeks to see my faults, before I have to answer for them to the good Lord! That excludes angry and embittered-individuals, intent on being nasty and belligerent. I just ignore their insults, and allow them their right to disagree.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (15 April 2021):
 I don't think anyone thinks you are a "sub-standard" friend. You are someone who trusted a person you shouldn't have (Mr. Gossip) You won't be the first or the last to do so. I think ALL of us here have trusted someone who didn't keep that trust. So definitely DO NOT beat yourself up over that - IF you didn't have an ulterior motive for telling him, then all you can really do is chalk it up to making a mistake. And that WE all do too.
And yes, I presumed you were straight and liked him. Your post kinda read that way - but that was MY mistake. See, we all make some.
When someone says:" We had a big connection and we both know that." and"The thing is that I think of my friend all the time." it's not hard to presume there is an interest there that might go beyond friends. Again, an easy mistake, no?
The last thing I wanted to say is this, you have NO idea just what Mr. Gossip told your "pal". He might have twisted whatever you said for HIS personal gain. He really had no horses in the race but he still grilled you enough to get some "juicy" details he could cause some strife with. That is NOT a good person overall.
You tried to apologize and reach out to "pal". Which I think is showing you are the bigger person to admit fault - maybe not in how you felt about his GF but in trusting Mr. Gossip. And you know what? Your "pal" trusts in him too. So maybe that is another reason to stop beating yourself up over it?
Chin up, get healthy, enjoy life. Make new friends, make new memories.
...............................
A
female
reader, CarrieSoa +, writes (15 April 2021):
 You knew Mr Gossip would tell all, that is why he has the nickname Mr Gossip.
What's done is done. Your friend hasn't forgiven you so move on and put that energy into growing other friendships and relationships.
Next time, don't be easily pressured into telling problems to someone who is untrustworthy.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI posted a response earlier but I can't see it, so this might duplicate...
Thanks for the responses.
You're all absolutely right in pointing out my failings about Mr Gossip. I allowed myself to be worn down at a time where I was very vulnerable. It certainly is a lesson learnt.
I think there's also something for me to learn in seeing these responses today how people will read into things.
So I do just want to clarify that there was no intention from my part in involving myself in my friends relationship or using underhand tactics. With that particular group of friends our relationship stems out of the sports group we are part of, we don't tend to discuss our personal life. With that in mind there's been quite a few assumptions in the responses that I'm single and my sexual orientation. Just putting it out there.
Also to the person who told me I was 'a little odd' for looking at old photos. I was clearing my phone down to access more memory and therefore filling about seven years of photos onto the cloud.
The stories we create in our own minds eh?
But thank you for the advice and although some of the responses felt a bit bruising to remind me what a sub-standard friend I am, I have no doubt that I will try to do better in future.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2021): Typo corrections:
"Maybe you need to pursue your own romantic-interests; and direct some of that energy towards having a man in your own life."
P.S.
You've allowed Mr. Gossip to throw a wrench into your friendship. What you thought to be a way to let your feelings regarding his girlfriend be known in a roundabout-way; instead boomeranged back on you, for what you intended to be a slight on your friend's girlfriend.
Here's the lesson to be learned. Some people get a twisted-pleasure in being a snitch, or an instigator of trouble; and they'll manipulate you through your trust, mutual-friends, or any common-interests you may share. As far as he's concerned, your pain is self-inflicted. He got his nasty little jollies by causing drama. Thereby, your jealousy has now been exposed. He feels he has earned brownie-points and has upped his standing in your circle of friends as an exposer of the truth, and a protector. In some regard, that is true. Otherwise, he's nothing but poison. That doesn't excuse what you tried to do.
If your friend senses your presence is a threat to his relationship; he feels it's best to distance himself from you. If she believes your intent is to be a wedge between them; she will surely insist that he choose between you and her! Let his silence be indicative or demonstrative of whom he has chosen; so hold your peace.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2021): Thank God, for your healing and recovery from your illness. May He also soothe and heal your broken-heart about your friend.
Once you extend an olive branch and ask for forgiveness; you must back-away and leave it alone. People forgive at their own discretion. If it takes them too long; you can only love them at a distance, and get-on with your life.
I don't recommend fretting or lamenting over it; because he has a right to accept or decline your apology. Friendships sometimes end, maybe sooner than we wish; but you can't force anyone to forgive you. You cannot punish yourself when they ignore you; because their silence is meant to hurt or torment you. Be that the case, the friendship is over anyway.
Now lets be honest. You made a lame excuse for yourself giving-in to the pressuring and probing of someone you know to be a gossip; so you knew better! It was due to your suppressed jealousy over his girlfriend. You feel a little betrayed and jealous of her presence. Having a girlfriend between you somehow reduces your influence over his life; and lessens your holding prominence over his heart. Not necessarily for romantic reasons; but she is now his number-one, when you feel he's your number-one as a friend. These are different things; and shouldn't conflict or compete. That's your problem, not his or hers. You're embarrassed; because she's still there, and you're not. That bruises your pride; and thus, you're emotionally-tormented. It hurts your feelings, because you do love your friend and miss him.
Maybe you need to pursue your own romantic-interests; and direct some that energy towards having a man in your own life. If there's one already there, let him fill that void. Not to presume on your sexual-orientation; but you catch my drift.
Much time has passed since the incident, and the window of opportunity to clear things up may have passed. If no-one spoke when the that time was present; then pride and anger prevailed. It's best to let bygones be bygones, and move on with your life. He might not have cherished your friendship as much as you did; and this is often difficult for us to fathom. You seem to be hurting and distressed; but there is little evidence he is, or that he is willing to forgive and forget. So forgive yourself, forget about it, and move on.
In life, friends and foes are only passing through. Unlike our relatives and spouses; they are not tethered to us for life by blood or vows. It's strictly voluntary. You've broken-up with boyfriends; and you've surely lost other friends over the years. You've gotten over them all up to now. Let the grief of this loss pass.
Some people are only meant to be in our lives for but a season. You've met that expiration-date; and you shouldn't allow yourself to suffer for it. Look forward, and don't look back. Don't get yourself stuck in the past; it empowers and enables people to abuse and tamper with your feelings. That's counterproductive and unhealthy for you.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (14 April 2021):
 I think that you have done all you can, you have offered an olive branch, and he has chosen not to respond. Maybe he needs more time, maybe he will never respond at all.
revealing all the stuff you did to Mr Gossip was a big mistake, so let this be a lesson to you for next time, if you feel unsure then keep your cards more closer to your chest and be cautious of what you say.
Gossips are very hard to spot, and not unlike snakes in the grass.
But what is done OP, it is what it is, we can't unscramble scrambled eggs.
It's pointless sitting around thinking what might have been, as I say, he might respond, or you may never hear from him again.
I think you should go by the philosopher in you, if he is meant to be in your life he will be. In the mean time get on with your life and put this to the back of your mind. What ever will be will be.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2021): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Honeypie,
Wow, thanks for the response, however frank.
You're right in that it was my mess and there is a lesson to be learned in not holding my ground when it came to Mr Gossip. There are lots of those people around.
Where you are incorrect is that I had ill will and that there was some underhand plot on my part to play chess in someone else's love life.
I guess we can read anything into anything that someone posts here and make assumptions on it. There's a lesson in that too. I was saving photos of my phone to a hard drive to make some memory space free. That is not 'a little odd'
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 April 2021):
"My head says let it go, I sent an olive branch and it wasn't received."
It was received, he just CHOSE to not respond and/or not read AND respond to it.
You made a HUGE mistake in confiding in Mr. Gossip. THAT was your choice to do. Seriously, he could have needled you until he was blue in the face and you could have used your upcoming move, your illness as an excuse without EVER bringing up the "real" reason. YOU started this drama. Mr. Gossip was just the "willing messenger and agitator".
I have known people like Mr. Gossip. They can come off as sympathetic and friend but all they REALLY want is to be the one to throw the hand grenade and watch the situation unfold dramatically, to be the center of it all and get away with stirring shit.
These people can be hard to spot but once I do, I back WAY off them. I have experienced a few of the moms who volunteer for the arts program to be like this. There is ALWAYS one each season. Someone who HAS to concoct some drama. Almost for sport. I think it's the ones who never left High school mentally.
Another thing I notice with your post is that you almost sound like you wanted more than friendship with this guy and THEN he got a GF so when she then turned out to be someone you weren't that fond of it was (perhaps not intentionally) but... you ended up telling Mr. Gossip to "save" your "pal" from a bad GF.
And that really backfired.
Look, OP you have done the best you can to explain yourself to your "pal". He can then CHOOSE if you are someone he wants to EVER talk to/socialize with. The ball is in his court.
In the meantime, take this as a HUGE what NOT to do lesson. IF you have beef or issue with a friend's partner or whatever, DO NOT "help" by using a 3rd party " Mt. Gossip" to let that friend know. That is unkind, immature, and well, plain stupid. Because you have NO idea what Mr. Gossip told the friend. The narrative is totally out of your hands. IT IS NOT your job to evaluate friends' partners. MAYBE she was HIS type. MAYBE he was aware but OK with who she was. Maybe he was blissfully ignorant. Don't gossip and handle things like this BETTER next time.
For now, let it go. Stop looking at old pictures and reminisce. It's a little odd. After all, YOU blew up that friendship you had.
Chin up.
...............................
|
