A
male
age
36-40,
*yaneddie
writes:Really hope people will take the time to read this. My girlfriend and i have been back together for about 3 months. We have a lot of history together including our son who is nearly 7. We tried at the relationship last year and to cut a long story short i couldnt get my sexual desire for her back and it didnt work out. Over the winter we could both see there was still something there between us, and around easter we decided to give things ago again. The problem now lyes with her she has no sexual attraction to me (to my frustration) i have bundles of it for her. When i try and innitiate anything between us she always seem's to have some reason why not. I always get told i smother her and such like. I love her unconditionally and would do anything to make it work between us. She does love me and i know she wants it to work to. Everything else in our relationship is fine we have trust, caring, openness, we make each other laugh, have the same interests. But there is no intimacy (or very little of). My question is what is the best thing i can do to try and get her to want me sexually again ??Thanks in advance,James
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): maybe just give her some time and make her want you. Show her your good!
A
male
reader, nigelfuxwell  +, writes (26 July 2007):
 The first thing you have to realize is that women are completely different from us when it comes to being "turned on". A lot of work goes into seducing a woman in a fresh, new relationship without any history. When there's familarity, even in a "great" relationship, keeping the sex hot and interesting takes some creativity and teamwork. I dare say that a lot of her lack of interest in you sexually has to do with the fact that you lost your desire for her some time ago. And as much as she loves you, believe me, she has NOT forgotten that. I'm not saying that this is payback, but when a woman is told that she "doesn't excite you" it has a huge effect on her. Her confidence may be shot, or even worse, the whole topic of sex and intimacy probably leaves a bad taste in her mouth. The difference between men and women as it relates to sex is (generally speaking) a woman's greatest and most sensitive erogenous zone is her brain, her mind. And if there is something mentally keeping her from feeling free with you (i.e. "last year he didn't find me sexy") then it's going to take some creativity on your part to win that part of her back.
Right now, if I read your post, and I read between the lines, you're telling me that this is the woman for you. This is the woman you love, and your relationship is healthy other than the sex. If that's the case then, all in all, you're actually in very good shape. You guys are coming off a breakup, have a child, a home, the everyday pressures of life, etc. and you're still having fun, laughing, and have that closeness. All you have to do is get her to be comfortable around you sexually again. If she's coming up with different excuses, and accusing you of being smothering her, that's telling me that she's just not comfortable with being intimate with you just yet.
Good news... You can accelerate her return to the bedroom. Think about it for a second. How have you approached the subject of sex? Do you take the time to turn her on? Do you make her feel sexy? Do you make her feel beautiful? Do you do little things that make her smile, and her heart skip a beat. When was the last time you surprised her with a spontaneous night out? A weekend trip? Or something as simple as clean the entire house, or give her a "weekend off" where you do all the housework and indulge her completely? What I'm saying is you are going to have to spoil her rotten, and NEVER EVEN BRING UP SEX for a very short time period.
Try this... One night after the kid is in bed, and you two are in bed, go into the bathroom, grab some lotion or massage oil, and give her a slow, sensual massage. If she tightens up or is apprehensive, tell her "Seriously, just relax, I just want to do something for you..." Don't try to initiate sex, snd don't try to turn it into anything too erotic. But tease the hell out of her. While you're massaging her, kiss every square inch of her body. Have fun with it, and make sure it's just for her pleasure. And if she doesn't initiate sex, or get turned on by it, don't get angry or weirded out, just finish up, hold her close, kiss her and go to sleep. A couple of days later, jump into the shower with her, and again - smile, be playful, don't make it overtly sexual, but wash her body and her hair. Kiss and hold her when you can. When you're done, dry her off, and put your clothes on. THIS IS GONNA BE TOUGH because you're gonna want to have wild sweaty monkey sex, but believe me, you don't want to do this yet.
What you're going to be doing is true intimacy. You see intimacy doesn't always equal sex. But intimacy in a woman's heart and mind will eventually lead to it. And it won't take much time. You have to make her desire you again, and to do that, you're going to have to let her know in her heart and mind that you adore her physically, mentally and emotionally with no regard for your own pleasure.
Sucks huh? Yeah, well, I had to do it myself once, and let me tell you, it was actually a GOOD thing, because it taught me that sex and intimacy is about being completely unselfish. As men, our natural inclination is to think of what we want at that moment. It's not a bad thing, it's just they way we're built. But if you ask a woman about her best lover, the one she couldn't keep her hands off of, she won't mention the guy with the biggest schlong, or the guy she had a kid by - she'll mention the guy who made her feel like she was the sexiest woman alive and made sure she was pleased.
More importantly, you're going to have to let her know that you HEAR her. Tell her that you understand that she doesn't want to be "smothered" right now, and that you're going to give her time to get back her desire for you. But the whole damn time, you have got to seduce her mentally. And this time, after you get her back, don't screw it up, ok? ;)
Seriously, if you need some tips, email me, and I'll give you a "recipe for seduction". You might not be able to use all of it, but most of it is worth its weight in gold. I only give this stuff out to married or committed men who NEED it.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (26 July 2007):
 In my work, this usually comes up when the women starts to feel like a mother figure to the husband. Examine your relationship. Are there times that she has to do things to "mother" you. You did mention "smoothing" in your question. If you are coming across as too needy, and making her feel like she has to mother you, like she has to mother her children, THAT will KILL her attraction for you.
Hope this helps.
-Frank B Kermi
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (25 July 2007):
 My best mate is in a similar situ. Her and hubby split a few years ago, they had 1 child, she met someone else, had another child and is now back with her hubby who has taken on her new child as his own.But she feels no sexual attraction to him.
You need to speak to her i think. On your own. It could be something as simple as her being tired with looking after your child. It happens with us women sometimes, and maybe she should have a trip to the docs about loss of labido.
It does sound like you have all the right basis for a good strong relationship.
Prehaps go to the doctors together. But in the meantime, loads of hugs without the sex.
Good luck xxx
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