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writes: Please help me.I had been with my boyfriend for almost two years, when we argued about money and he left me. The reason we argued about money was that he spent all his wages on cannabis and didn't pay his bills.Four months later we got back together, and I was in heaven.He was all I ever wanted. When we broke up he'd become increasingly dependent on the cannabis,but I let him spend his money on it and I worked extra hours to cover the cost as I didn't want to lose him. Life was bliss. He was so sweet to me and I loved him so much. But, earlier today, my world came crashing down. We'd been talking about marriage and how we wanted to spend our lives together.Then he began to roll a joint. While he was rolling it I started to play- slap him and he was laughing, until I accidentally spilled some of his weed on the floor and he hit me, grabbed me by the hair and smashed my head into the wall. My head was bleeding so out of shock I packed his stuff and told him that we were over and to get out. I expected an apology but he just got his stuff and left. Now I'm devastated. I love him so much. what can I do to make him come back to me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2006): Hi,
I posted this question and just wanted to thank everyone who took the time to answer, especially the people who had constructive comments rather than put- downs. My boyfriend came back and we got back together but the answers on this site really stayed in my head, cos deep down I knew they were right. After a night out with my friends and after taking the advice on here I felt like myself again, and once I got back to me I realised what a jerk my bf is. If my friend had told me her bf had treated her like my bf treated me I'd have wanted to kill him. My ex's spell had been broken, I saw him for the pathetic , weak loser he is, and not only did I break up with him but for the first time ever I'm happy alone, just being me and doing what I want to do. So thanks so much to everyone who gave me advice, you really made a difference to my life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2006): my boyfriend used to abuse me too, twice he almost killed me. i made excuses for him of course but when he got arrested for it he stole the police tape and i listened to it and he made me out to be a psycho woman , all made up of course , just to get himself of the hook , i tryed to leave but like you said i loved him too much . i guess what i am trying to say is that you are not crazy and f**ked up to still want him , you are jus in love with him right or wrong and simply want him and will him to pull through for you, alot of people do :) but if you do stick with him then you need to tell people or at least one person you can trust about his behaviour, also you will need to get help and advice on what you need to do to look after yourself if a situation arises.my best bet would be to let him be alone till he agrees to get help hiself . look after yourself , you are important.
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (21 February 2006):
 actually very well put martini x
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2006): I'm sorry, but WTF?!?! Is the world so fucking full of desperate dilusional people, that love is now just a play on words?!?! Somebody, tell me why I am born into this era of retarded love-sick morons?!?!WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO SOMEONE WHO JUST SMASHED YOUR HEAD INTO THE WALL BECAUSE YOU SPILLED SOME WEED?!?!?!?!!??!!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?! [stares at you blankley] NICE!If you want to be beaten up, smashed against the wall, thrown around the room, and knocked about with a bat and a car, go right ahead and love that bastard to death - literally! [sigh]
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (20 February 2006):
You seriously want this guy back? Oh MY GOD!
Read thru the question you have just posted.
Now ask yourself what you would truly say to a good friend if she came to you and told you this had happened to her. What exactly WOULD you tell her?
Look, the guy is a no good dope-head (this is not that I approve or disapprove of cannabis smoking, just in this case your ex appears to be psychologically addicted, and as such needs professional help) He has also proved himself to be capable of relatively unprovoked violence....why on God's green earth would you consider taking/wanting him back? So you can live in fear of another episode of violence as and when he feels like it?
Please go and get some help for your dependence on this person. I would not even consider giving advice to somebody so they can get back with a drugged up and violent loser like this.
THIS PERSON DOES NOT DESERVE YOUR LOVE!
Once a victim, twice a volunteer.
Don't do it.
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female
reader, sexseahot  +, writes (20 February 2006):
 How could you possibly be devastated that he left? He hurt you! Do you actually want someone that hits you and makes you bleed? That thinks some drug is more important than you or becoming financially independant himself? You don't need someone like that. I'm pretty sure you can do a lot better. It may be bliss with him, but what's so great about your guys' relationship? He may be all that you ever wanted, but have you really wanted someone that can't help you out? He's taking advantage of you and you shouldn't let him do that.
Now that he's gone, think about what was so great about him and why he's like he is. There is no reason for anyone to act like that to someone they "love". They don't hit one another, if something is wrong, some may fight and yell, some talk it out, but it's never right to be hit. Please, don't be devastated that he left, you actually did the right thing. He don't deserve you and he don't deserve you to work over for him so he can smoke weed all day and spend all his money on it. He has priorities and that's what's supposed to come first. If he can't get his priorities straight now, he may never and you'll always be working those extra hours just to make him happy. But are you REALLY happy? I'm mean really? He needs to help out a little bit.
Maybe him being gone he'll realize that he's being ignorant and wrong, or maybe not, you never know. But do not go running after him for anything or asking him to come back. He's not worth it. Let him straighten up and become a better person before you let him back in his life. He needs to prove to you that he's changed and that he can take care of himself and you instead of you doing all the hard work.
Good Luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2006): DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, accept this man back into your life. Please, please, please hear me. He has a serious problem with rage, and it's caused him to hurt you. Once is too many times. You cannot help him. You can't. His problems will get worse, and he will hit you again. He will be so, so, so sorry. Because he doesn't want to be this guy. But he is this guy. And it's possible that could change. But it absolutely can't change with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2006): Dear, his drug addiction has got a hold of him and he needs serious help. In my book, there is absolutely no reason for a man to smash a woman's head into the wall. You are smack-dab in the middle of an dangerous situation that has turned ugly. Next time, you may not be as lucky to get up and walk away. He will destroy you-any or all sense of value you uphold in yourself. Already he has caused so many self-doubts and low self-esteem. Anyone like your bf, who gets resorts to violence especially someone he allegedly loves, is obviously an insecure, rage-filled lost soul.
You have a choice of whether to live life for yourself or for someone else. You need to remove yourself from this relationship, the further the better. Ask yourself what his abuse did to you. Did you deserve it? Are you going to continue putting up with it? I sure hope you answered NO. But only you can decide. Only when this man is out of your life can you regain perspective to finally see that his abusive behaviours say about him. A man who truly knows how to love will build his girlfriend's self-esteem up, he will cherish her and not tear her down.
Get into some individual counseling and look to the reasons why you wanted to stay in such an unhealthy relationship. You will learn something about yourself, because you will be forced to so some serious self-reflection. You may see that you are a beauitful person who didn't deserve what happened to her. You will gain an empowering strength like no other. You will learn never to allow anyone to ever treat you this way..ever again. You must take responsibility for 'yourself'. You really, really deserve so much more. Please believe in yourself. Best wishes and good luck
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (20 February 2006):
 What? You want to get back together with someone who values marijuana more than you? Why? Don't you care about your own safety and about your own happiness?
If being beaten up by a nincompoop who'd hurt you because you spilled some of his cannabis is your idea of "bliss" you'll be needing more assistance than I can ever offer you.
Someone who is violent to you should never, EVER be taken back. No amount of apology can ever make up to you the loss of trust and self-esteem you have lost by his actions.
If you have a sane bone in your body, you should get as far away from him as you can. No one you claim to "love" is ever worth getting hurt over, and now that the door to physical violence is open, it's not going to shut that easily.
What's to say he won't slam you against the wall the next time you spill his stash, or talk to someone he doesn't like, or find that you're pregnant and he's not ready for kids? Do you really want to live your life waiting for the axe to fall and wondering when he's going to hit you next?
No, no, a thousand times no. Men who hit women are BAD NEWS. They don't change their habits. They tend to get more violent over time, not less.
Stay with this man -- even distantly, as in seeing each other socially -- and you will be physically hurt, again and again.
Please, do yourself a favour. Listen to a woman who has been in and gotten out of a violent relationship. He'll blame you for his rages, he'll blame his work. He'll blame the noise from the neighbours, or the dog down the street. He'll claim that he had a fight with his brother... It doesn't matter what he attributes his violence to: he will hurt you again, then claim it's "your fault".
Walk away. Better still, run.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2006): My advice would be to make him realise what he's missed out by gettin on with your life let him see ur not botherd he's gone. I smoke weed myself i'm 18 and have done for years but i wouldn't hit some1 4 spilling a splith over. He obviously knows u love him and will go running back but dont prove him wrong as hard as it will be this is something u need to do, or u could go back with him and be the laughin stock when he's tellin his boys you'll be back, u can do better than bein hit off someone u love so much. I'm sure ur self respect hasn't gone u just need time to find it, i really hope u do the right thing and dont be his punch bag any longer.
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