A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I broke up with my gf of 5 years over argument. Since that we both realised we are still in love. However we have both been busy in our routines. We still text daily with morning and good night however I feel like there’s now distance between us. I have given her more space, but one morning she saw me awake earlier than normal. She video called me and was naughty and let me play on call. We had good chat and both went to work after. Since, we still talk but it’s very short. She does work a lot, and when she doesn’t she is with her best friend , usually I’m at work. Surely we can’t just keep clashing with timings because back when we was in relationship she would make sure we meet on my day off. But now it doesn’t seem to be happening. I did ask when we should meet and she said on her day off. It’s now been 2 months she has not had a day off. So I left her alone. And on a day I don’t text she will apologise end of day that she has been busy and hence hasn’t had time to text. I reply acting all cheery and wish her good night. And it continues. Is she trying to get over me? I know I’m still in her picture albums and on her walls. I don’t know what I can do without pushing her away. I used to be able to sweep her off her feet and now it’s difficult to get a quick reply until end of the day. For example she will spend the evening watching tv, and state she’s just been catching up on it.I mean you can’t marry a TV? Just as background info, She has been extremely loyal in the past and is not a slut or flirt.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2021): I think she's weening you off contact. A breakup means you have ended a relationship. She wants to be compassionate.
Loving each-other isn't necessarily the problem. You've reached a point of incompatibility. Your connection is unstable, and has weakened. It lost its elasticity and flexibility. It stretched beyond capacity. That's when it snapped. It wasn't just a spat. It was something worse.
It breaks the "no-contact" rule to continue texting or calling after the breakup. The no-contact rule means you shouldn't be talking; and must completely discontinue all forms of communication. To continue prolongs the agony.
I can't read minds or tell the future; but I am intuitive and perceptive enough to understand she's trying to go easy on you. I think your "ex"-girlfriend is trying to be a good-sport. She IS distant, because she took the breakup seriously.
She wants an amiable breakup, as opposed to those hostile or dramatic breakups full of toxic-language and hostility. She is being humane by letting you go slow and easy. There is a point she has to cut the cord, and go completely no-contact. You're trying to ease your way back. She is doing it this way for her own benefit as well.
If neither of you have changed; being nice to each-other is just a temporary period of remorse; and a cease-fire, so to speak. The realization finally overcomes you that your relationship has come to an end. The breakup is real.
A sudden fear sets-in!
You'll second-guess yourself, try to reverse the split-up, and weasel your way back. It may not happen. If she never got a day off in a month, that's a gentle signal to lower your expectations. You might try to make a knee-jerk reconciliation. It may lead to sex. Then the old problems resurface; and you're back to square-one. You'll breakup a second-time. It's much much worse!
Prepare yourself. I think she is done. She may be kind and friendly; but she doesn't want to see you. You're feeling distance, because that is exactly the message she wants to get across. Hopefully, her friends and family are surrounding her to help her to stand strong and resist the temptation to slip back into a cycle that leads to making-up and breaking-up. It will mess-up both your minds.
Time to let-go, and move on. You may as well deal with the reality like a man. Accept things for what they are. Be kind and reasonable; but respect her space, and allow her to move on. That's in spite of your remorse "after the fact." If you didn't change, you the same as you were...which was part of the reason you broke-up. She's still the same.
Breakups are the result of problems that can't seem to be resolved, and disagreements that never work themselves out. Sweeping them under the rug or ignoring them is pretentious and stupid.
People let their emotions get out of control; and make separations after the breakup unnecessarily difficult. Detachment and separation is difficult; because there is now a sudden shut-off of dopamine. Becoming romantically-connected is not just an emotional process; but it includes the brain chemicals oxytocin and norepinephrine; which causes the connection, and the sensation of attraction.
You can say a breakup is the shutoff-valve that starves you of these chemicals; and you start to feel the withdrawal. Your subconscious-mind refuses to accept anything that goes against your wishes. It prefers things to be consistent; and remain compatible with what we want and desire. It will refuse to accept her rejection. Thus you'll feel loss and grief.
You will feel all sorts of discomfort, experience restlessness, lose sleep, and you'll become pathetically nostalgic. All you can remember is how good it was. Then why did you break-up? You'll lay awake reminiscing and ruminating your relationship history; watching it playout like a video on the ceiling. That drives you to call her, or text her; and keep trying to make her maintain and perpetuate your false-hope.
Your best bet, is to leave her alone; and stop pressuring her to pretend you're still together.
I wrote this long after I was where you are now:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/when-will-i-finally-get-over-the-breakup.html
I came to DC, looking for pain-relief. I became an uncle, to help others through that pain. I let-go. I survived, and found the best love I've ever known!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (30 May 2021):
 Being back in touch doesn't mean you are dating again, I think you hope that it will lead back that way, but it seems like she isn't.
I think the two of you NEED to have a chat.
Whatever ISSUE that broke you two up needs to be resolved BEFORE the two of you decide to try again. IG she wants to try again.
My guess is, she is talking to you more out of habit and not because she wants to start over with you. This is why you NEED to have a conversation about where you stand and what you both want.
It seems she is enjoying some time to herself. She'd rather watch some TV shows than talk to you. Isn't that rather telling?
And are you sure she hasn't had a day off or even a few hours off to SPEND with you? That seems off to me, but then again, I don't know her and her schedule.
And if you only had one day a week to see her... How does that make a relationship work? 1 day a week? And you two never lived together in those 6 years? No talk of marriage? Kids? etc? You CAN NOT maintain a relationship over tech. Texting and calling are not going to sustain anyone for a long period of time.
Now, IF she decides to NOT want to restart anything, I'd suggest you cut contact so YOU can move on.
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