A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Seven months ago I met the best partner I've ever had- he was cute, smart, professional, established, had a great sense of humor, and we're into similar things. He treats me well too. We fellin love quickly- I think he said it 3 weeks in- and had great sex for a couple of months. Then a whole lot happened in our individual lives and it seems like all the romantic interest has leaked out for both of us. We look forward to seeing each other and we both make a lot of effort to keep the other happy, but that immediate need just isn't there. It seems much too early for that to happen- we've discussed it and we're both concerned and baffled.Our extenuating circumstances are extreme: he has been writing his PhD dissertation, working VERY hard, and now he's back at work 9-5 and still working on the dissertation, and is close to finishing a draft. He also lives about 40 miles away so there's a drive between us, so we don't see a ton of each other. Once a week he comes to my house and we go on a date or I cook dinner, and on weekends I usually go to his place and stay one or two nights. Otherwise we talk on the phone every night for about a half hour. It's like a hybrid long-distance relationship.This is still the schedule, but now our sex drives seem almost gone. It makes sense that mine is gone- it is supposed to be. When we met I was having such horrible menstrual pain that I would pass out and have to go to the emergency room. In late Feb I had surgery to remove one ovary- turns out I had terrible endometriosis and it had so twisted that ovary that it was useless. On top of that, to try to stop the disease from spreading and taking my other ovary (I might want to have kids in a few years), I am on an intense hormone treatment that simulates menopause and basically kills your sex drive. It has been 3 months and I have 3 more to go. I have also stopped speaking to both my (generally destructive) parents in effort to keep myself sane, and my temporary contract at a university ended and I've been in the process of a difficult job hunt in a narrow field. I got a job just in time, in the same city, only slightly outside my field of concentration. He really wanted me to stay and so did his family, so he's relieved, but we're still not thrilled.It could be but I don't think it's physical. I'm 2 inches taller and voluptuous beyond my control, although I work out 3 day a week and would like to be skinny. He's got a slight build but is athletic and muscled for his size. He says he loved my hips and is very attracted to me; I definitely think he's handsome.I don't get it- is there just too much going on in our lives right now that is distracting us from the relationship? I am glad to have found him (after dating quite a few stinkers; he was divorced 2 pr 3 years ago from a wife who stole thousands from him to gamble), and we have a good relationship, but I feel like we're both playing a role and there's just not any juice left. I don't want to lose him though. I want to try to make it work and I think he does too. Part of me thinks that come September, when his dissertation draft is finished and my treatment is complete, things will turn around, but I can't assume that's the case. Waah! I want to be madly in love with my partner again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): OH HUNNY,
You sound so sad and stressed about all this, my heart goes out to you... I no how it feels when you have womens issues altough mine differ from yours i guess your hormones are all over the place and to have to go through all of that then to get a low sex drive must be so upsetting, Plus everything else that is going on with your family and work pressure sweetheart its all to much, im not suprised your feeling the way you are, to have met a wonderful man who so obviously cares for you a great deal and you for him and all these pressures of life getting in the way... Try not to let it affect you two... You so much want this to work, think back to how it used to be take out all the bad stuff and think how much you were there for each other, i no you said its not the same but love if you didnt love him i dont think you would be so worried and so desperate to get it all back to how it was... You have had treatment that can knock you of balance he has had more work on than he can probably handle, But deep down you are still there for each other and wanting this to work. Through all of this you have both stood by one another, id say you are both strong and this frustrating time will pass, its when times are hard that we can tell the strengths of one another and you have a great deal and a great man and he has a lovely woman. Things will settle down and if you want somethng to work so bad it will because love i cant see you giving up....I hope everything gets better for you very soon and you feel better to TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU BOTH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXX
A
female
reader, flower girl  +, writes (27 June 2007):
 With the amount of stress you have both been under it is possible that one or both of you are suffering from depression, may be it would be advisable for you both to visit your gp's and see if this is a possibility, because if you carry on the way you are it is only going to make things alot worse and then the relationship might well go beyond repairable.
I really hope you sort things out.
Take care.xx.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2007): You both sound really stressed and busy and that I think is the problem.
Don't wait until his dissertation draft is finished, or until your treatment is complete. Things won't turn around if you are hoping to work on things in the future.
Make as much time for each other as you can now, before it's too late as it can only get worse in your current situation, not better. I am not talking sexual time, but rather you just need more couple time together so that you stop feeling that you are drifting apart.
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