A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am a married woman, having a affair with a married man. We just kind of fell into it and were clear that we both wanted more than what a affair offers but willing to see where this goes. Neither of us I suppose are ready to call it quits in our relationship with our spouses, but are seeing each other as if we will one day be together.My concern is that I'm a bit emotionally attached and not thinking clearly.We certainly have attraction and enjoy each other's company, but I find us stealing away for kisses more than conversation lately. Red flags are waving that he may be really into the sex, (not saying I don't want that)- but I truly want companionship and the rest.Could there really be a man looking for love while being married?
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affair, married man, married woman Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): You have nothing really. The newness will fade, it's already starting to. Then you will both go back to your partners, then you will be bored ,then you will have another affair. Or you'll both leave your partners get together, then realise the champagne can't last forever, get bored and one of you will have an affair.
Can't you see youre chasing rainbows and risk hurting other folks in the meantime.
A
female
reader, bfly36 +, writes (8 May 2008):
 An affair is a destructive thing, i speak from experience, if i could go back and change the last 2 yrs of my life i could but i cant. I had an affair and it just led to pain and hurt for my family. Im human and i have forgiven myself and im trying to move on. I hope you will find out the reason why you feel u need to be with this man and make a decision soon to avoid the aftermath of affairs, be strong, look inside you and be honest with yourself. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Twirly  + ♥, writes (8 May 2008):
 Hi There,
Yes, he could well be looking for love while married, but the chances of him finding it and it working out are a million to one while he is.
The same for you too Sweetie, it's so easy to get caught up in the excitment of it all but it's going to be so tough for all concerned if you carry on.
If you and he really feel that strongly then take steps to end your marriages before continuing together. Any relationship worth its salt deserves to have a fresh start including yours.
If this is just a passing fling then be careful and try to get out of your systems as soon as possible for the sake of your partners.
I wish you all the best but you're living on borrowed time here and it's going to be very tough if you don't step back and really think about what you really want out of all this.
It's so common for this to happen, and I personally don't believe that having these feelings is wrong, it's what you do about them and how you handle the situation that determines the rights and wrongs, ie deceiving the unsuspecting partners.
If you can be honest and brave enough to finish your current relationship before moving onto the next then your chances of being happy in the long run are much greater and your partner will Thank you for it too.
A good exercise is to imagine a friend of yours is in the situation you are in and asking you for advice. What would you say to her? Im pretty sure that whatever you would honestly advise her is what you should do now. It's really hard to be objective when you're in the middle of something exciting and romantic but if you're both married then you owe to yourself and all concerned to make an effort to really step back and look at what's happening and where you see this all going.
Good luck x x x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): I think you both need to think about two things;
1. why you were willing to enter an affair in the first place? (thrills? secrets? sex? boredom? attention? escapism?)
2. why you don't wish to leave your spouses? (children? finaces? guilt? or love?)
If you are honest about these things perhaps you can find the clarity you need.
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A
female
reader, tuatara  + ♥, writes (8 May 2008):
 What can one say.
Your a red flag mamm.
Just sort of fell into it. Well again, what can you say to that. But most of us don't fall for that one.
If you really want some advice, then the advice is that you need to take a long hard look at yourself and work out who the hell you are.
You got yourself into this situation, willingly and knowlingly. You wanted to have something on the side to make you feel good, at the expense of others. You decided you wanted to have a backup and keep what you new was secure, and pursue something else which might have been another option. He did exactly the same as you. You had plenty of feelings and thoughts when the two of you were making all these decisions.
So what's different now about your relationship? Are you now saying your ready and willing to be honest and leave your husband, but this guy isn't?
Are you saying that you wonder if he just wants sex and not a proper relationship? And are you saying that if this is the case, should I have sex? What are you asking?
Honey, your having an affair. Your someones other women and you have another secret man? Don't you get that? Your a liar and a cheat and you don't really seem to be concerned about it?!?
Have the balls to sort yourself out. Don't be a cheap taker who is just using her husband to pay the bills, while she orchestrates having a bit on the side. Stop messing with others lives, like his wife. Grow up and start to consider that you have some pretty serious character flaws which will continue to disrupt your life, and those around you, unless you deal with them.
What I find hard to understand is your in a situation now, where you say that you have now become too emotionally involved, and not thinking clearly. Then you say earlier, you both agreed you wanted more than what an affair offers.
So you don't make sense.
To be honest, I think your a bit of a dreamer. Maybe one day you'll wake up and see that your just awful really about all the other important issues which you are creating, and indifferent to.
You need not to worry about if he just wants sex, cause he does, don't be a dimwit - but you need to really consider if you are such a nice person at and are worth compassion or cousel at all.
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A
male
reader, eddie  + ♥, writes (8 May 2008):
 You're not ready to call your marriages quits. Why not? You're bumping uglies with another guy !! You'd better be ready to call it quits because you've got everything on the line. Where is your integrity? Where is your concern for STD's and your husband's health. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Why have yo not concentrated this much on your marriage? You have your priorities/obligations completely mixed up.
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (7 May 2008):
 Please, help me out here....could there really be a man looking for love while being married that isn't ready to leave his spouse yet?
You see the red flags waving???? How about you are both married!!!! That is a neon red flag waving in the wind. You are both in it for the sex and the attention and the feelings of excitement wondering, does he love me???
This is all about fantasy, this is about not being happy with your life and only you can change that, only you can change you and only you can improve your marriage.
How do you just fall into an affair? You sort of tripped and fell on top of each other naked, right? Come on, you made the decision to be unfaithful, you made the decision to be a direct threat to the woman who is married to your affair partner....you chose to disregard everyone else's feelings except your own.
You aren't going to get more out of this than the normal affair, affairs are all the same, they may start out differently but they are all about fantasy and denial of reality...
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A
female
reader, justgirl  + ♥, writes (7 May 2008):
Oh, You will grow bored of this eventually, I am thinking. Doesn't everyone want that one on one kind of love. Doesn't it feel great to be with someone you love forever and ever. The person you are so compatible with that nothing could stop you from having them with you. Wanting to please them at every turn and them wanting to please you in return. How beautiful that is to have and cherish. How many of us get married for the wrong reasons. How many don't wait for the special someone and settle because we think the person is the one, but had our doubts while dating the person. If you both love each other you will leave your spouses and find whether you are meant to be with each other. Or you will continue your affair until you get caught. Then one or both spouses will leave the other and you will be alone. Who knows many things could happen. I am not sure if this the answer you wanted, but YES, I suppose a man who doesn't want to leave his wife, but is very unhappy could fall in love and have a side relationship with a woman he could love. Who knows. Anything is possible only he knows how he really feels and what is that?? Only you can ask him? I am sure he believes his answer, even if it's not the truth.
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A
female
reader, Kimaxsi +, writes (7 May 2008):
Sometimes people are in unhappy and loveless marriages, that for whatever reason they've chosen to remain in, since most of us want to be loved I think its possible, however the reasons that have kept them in a bad marriage don't just vanish and people rarely leave their spouses. In some cases (I have no idea about stats) though it is just for the sex, like love its a need humans have, and sometimes people seek it elsewhere when its not met by their marriage partner.
Most people don't even seem to feel that love lasts and give up on their marriages after a while, they stay in them for the history, the security, for the kids, out of habit and they are sort of comfortable in their complacence, maybe they hope miraculously it'll revert back to how it was at first, or because they still have some linger feelings they might look for sex elsewhere but as far as they are concerned they've got the relationship part already and having two such committed relationships is more than most people can handle.
I really am not for affairs b/c its not fair to anyone not obviously the spouse you are hurting but not yourself either, you are splitting yourself in half trying to maintain two simultaneous relationships and not getting your needs fully met my either of them. The guilt probably at least partially dampens any of the pleasure you feel, especially when you get more serious.
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