A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi. ok so i really do understand about all the parental rights and everything (i think!) but could really really use a bit of advice!! please be honest.. please dont judge but please dont just be nice to me... im 19 years old and im 20 weeks pregnant.. the 'man' i got pregnant to didnt rape me.. i wont say he did, but after id had a few drinks he did force me to sleep with him (emotionally) messed with my head and made me feel worthless! this happened twice (i massively regret both times!) but ive ended up pregnant with his child.. i was honest and told him i was pregnant and his words were 'get rid of that thing, or ill get rid of you' obvioiusly i didnt listen! (been completely anti abortion!) and im now half way through...so i got grief off of him for the first few weeks, he started turnin up at my house at like 2 and 3 o clock in the morning, kicking off and screaming at me because i refused him sex! he would strip naked and run round my house (while my 3 younger siblings were in bed!) (i have residency of my siblings.. so they live with me perminently!) and he would make me feel so shit that i was becoming depressed! hed push and shove me (but never hit me) and he'd tell me noone else would want me with a child... he started throwing eggs at my windows, throwing paint at my car, prank calling me, vandalising my home! it got to the point where i actually moved house just 6 weeks ago! (the police have logged most of the things he has done an have helped me and my landlord secure my home!) and he told me he'd find me! (which hes little chance of doing) but he started threatening me with 'if you dont let me see my kid ill drag you through court for full custody' if you stop me seeing my kid ill 'have you' and stuff! :/ so eventually i just said 'look! its not your baby!! im a few weeks further than i thought, didnt find out myself till now, sorry' and i changed my phone number and blocked him on facebook! i know its wrong, i understand that! but i have no intentions of him being on the birth certificate and over my dead body will he ever meet my child! let alone him see him/her on his own! (hes on drugs! drinks every night, is in trouble with the law, has never had a job in his life and lives off benefits at 23!!) but do you think i did the right thing?.... i cant help but feel guilty.. not about him, but my baby, theres a family he/she will never meet! and although i was seeing a man when this happened + have been seeing him all the way through, he/she will not know there dad! but i feel its the safest thing! (my partner and i have made it clear he is not the father and he will not be wrongly put on the birth certificate or be called dad! i dont want to lie to my child!) but do you think i did the right thing? an outsiders point of view could really help!im just trying my hardest to cope with all the hormones! look afte my 3 young siblings, work 18 hours a week (which isnt a lot i understand) keep a house going and all this hasnt helped at all!sorry if my question isnt suitable and is too long! but i hope for abit of advice!! if anyone has ever been in the same situation! thanks so much!! xxxxxps - it's not possible for me to get parental advice at this time.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2012): my ex is the same kind of person although I was never pregnant I still get abusive messages and calls off him on my old number FOUR years down the line. so, I say you did the right thing here. not ideal, but the best choice in your position. to be blunt, you dont need this s**t and neither do your loved ones. you can explain to the child from an early age like 7 or 8 in simple language that your boyfriend is not his biological father, but his father in every important way. he will need a man who sticks around to be a role model and to give him balance so that he doesnt see just the female point of view.
so I would say try your best to forge a stable relationship with your boyfriend, or else go it alone, so that your kid and siblings can grow up in a somewhat stable environment. and if your ever in that situation again, for gods sake get the morning after pill. good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): It's a very difficult situation to call but I think lying may cause more problems further in the future. On the one hand you obviously don't want this man anywhere near your child and rightly so. He is clearly trouble with some serious mental health issues. As it stands if you hadn't lied then he would still have zero chance of getting access let alone custody of your child unless he massively changed his ways. Courts in the UK tend to favour the mother most times except in exceptional circumstances. Also massively in your favour is you already have custody of your siblings so the courts already know your capable of raising a child and you have a job which shows you are hard working. Don't worry of only working 18 hours as you have a family to look after and there are nearly 3 million people on the dole who would love those 18 hours! The court would be impressed that your not just on benefits and are actively contributing to society. Compare this with him who has never had a job, has a criminal record and is on drugs. The police already have records of his digusting behaviour towards you which the courts won't look upon favourably. The choice to tell him the truth resides with you. Personally I'd be in favour of telling the truth because of the potential pyschological consequences down the line for your child (ie thats your dad but he doesn't know your his and then the awkward introduction for your child to the father who doesn't know him). Your child will be curious about his real dad in the future so you must be prepared for this eventuality. It may be you will have to take your childs anger in the future to keep him safe in the now and the near future. I had a friend who was adopted and had anger at the birth mum for the adoption until he realised his mum did it to keep him safe from greater harm. However make the choice you feel is best for your child safe in the knowledge that his threats of custody won't amount to much. Best of luck, hope this has helps and makes some sense
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmakes me wonder why the only people saying its wrong are the two men, thankyou so much for your replies though all of you, i guess ill always feel guilty about lying.. my father walked out on me and i understand what its like to not have one, i just belive my childs safety an my sanity come first, i love this little life more than the world itsself already and want the best for him/her :) thankyou again, you really have helped x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): It doesn't matter who the father is. Lying to him about the paternity of this children is still wrong.
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A
female
reader, Perosky  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 He's very dangerous to and your kid,its better not to,the best thing is maybe u should be far away from him before you let him know
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 Maybe what you did was morally wrong , but I know one thing that would have been morally worse - exposing your child to a violent, mentally unstable person who has the potential to harm him/her permanently, and I am not only talking about emotional scars. This guy sounds totally out of control, dangerous, mentaly ill probably- he has the potential to do a lot of damage, maybe even kill you in a rage . No point in knowing your father if then your mother gets killed.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): There are exactly zero times when it's morally acceptable to lie to someone about who is the father of a child. Zero. A number of people will disagree with this
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A
female
reader, babyparis +, writes (26 January 2012):
 I think you did the right thing. Hes nothing but stress and a harmful person for you and your child to be around...
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 My qualifications to answer this question are:
I am a grandmother
I have been a single mother
I was worked for 10 years for a crisis line.
And some other stuff not up for public discussion.
I don't think you have done the wrong thing in doing whatever you need to do to keep this creep from your door, or from your baby. However
If you have custody of your three younger siblings I can imagine why you cannot get parental advise at the time, so you are already starting from a point of 'stressed'.
You mention a partner, falling pregnant to one guy while in relationship with another guy. That's probably not a good example to be setting your younger siblings. I do hope he hasn't moved in with you all.
In Australia single parents are required to work with the other parent in order to negotiate some sort of maintenance for children, and government benefits can be affected by this, however, it is possible for women and children at risk from former spouses and husbands to be exempt, this is organised by a social worker attached to Centrelink, Australia's social security agency.
I would seek professional advise and assistance about listing the baby's biological father on the birth certificate. Some places you could approach for referrals or assistance include social workers, women's groups, Salvation Army or other church groups, or even your local council.
If you start seeking the advice now you will be fully armed with all the information and legallities when the baby is born. I wish you all good luck, you, the baby and your siblings!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2012): You go girl!
He certainly does not deserve to be a father let alone a man! Your child is not missing out on his worthless biological father. As long as u can provide him/her love and attention then that's all that matters!
I sincerly believe u'v done the right thing by ur child and one day your child will understand. Maybe not at their teens bt when u as a mother knw that they are ready to hear the truth.
Bt other than that! 100% TLC from u n ur partner
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