A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am a 20 year old female. I was in a relationship with a guy for 6 months. We were friends for around a year before that. During the course of our friendship I came to get to know both the good and bad sides of his personality. We worked on a few college projects together where he drove me nuts with his constant perfectionist tendencies. On multiple occasions he chose to ignore my suggestions with regards to our college rules and he cost us the prize due to his lengthy reports and arrogant behavior with the organizers. I chose to avoid talking about it because he was incapable of listening even though he claimed to be understanding. I fell in love with him for his brains and multiple talents. While we went out, he made me cry on multiple occasions due to his tendency to use the words 'I love you' to get away with everything. He kept telling me that for him, it was either me or no one else. I was stupid enough to believe that he was the only one for me and I told him I wanted to marry him sometime into the future. He used to constantly annoy me asking me 'Do you love me?' too many times. He kept telling me things like he wanted four kids while I kept telling me that I wanted only one. Before you tell me that I'm way too young to decide this, please understand that I come from a country where the average age to get married is 23 for a girl. Later I realized that I hated his attention seeking tendencies. He was always sloppy and badly dressed, although it is pretty obvious from his previous crushes that he only fell for the most impeccably dressed girls. When I realized that I was falling out of love with him, I told him I was wrong about the future plans. In the first month of going out, I had warned him that time tests every relationship, yet I never mentioned that after he talked about me being his only real and true love. I ignored all his faults thinking that nobody is perfect. However, his manipulative and controlling tendencies drove me mad. He began to repel me a lot. I started to hate everything he did, right form his attempt to give me career advice due to his know-it-all tendencies to his kisses and physical touch. I wanted to end the relationship that was obviously spiraling out of control for me. But I felt guilty about hurting him, so I stayed for one more month which caused me even further agony. I had to approach a therapist to get back on track. I told him we could still stay friends as he was lonely and terribly hurt by my decision to end it. He however tried to turn every conversation into a debate where he tried to prove that I only think from my own point of view and that I am unclear about what I want from a relationship and that I used him. truth is, I never let him pay for my food on dates(never used him for money), or burden him with my excessive and silly troubles(no emotional using)(he then accused me of being secretive, when the truth is, I'd rather not discuss my fight with my mom or sister with him and stuff like that). He keeps sending messages about his sorrow and hurt. He keeps trying to hold my hand whenever I run into him. He is repulsive and annoying. But despite all of this, I feel guilty all the time because I made him an impulsive promise that I didn't keep (of this lasting forever). I know this post is way too lengthy, but I am going insane. I accept my fault of being juvenile in claiming to want to marry him. But have I made any other mistake that I should think about? I dont want to make the same mistake in my future relationships.PS: 1) I plan to stay single for the next 6-7 years and focus on my studies and my friendships. 2) I am a loner. I enjoy socializing only with people who are slightly socially disconnected or in big groups. I never tell people about my problems because I have a secret fear of being judged. But I am a patient friend and I listen to people who tell me their worries. But only if they do it in person. I hate phone calls and small talk that continues for more than 5 minutes. 3) My purpose of posting is to understand what all mistakes I made so that I can get my emotional closure and move on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2008): Thank you, agony aunts :)I am the girl who posted the question and I am thankful for the feedback!
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (17 November 2008):
 Don't feel guilty about ending this relationship, you did what you felt was right for YOU! Never stay with someone because you don't want to hurt them or feel sorry for them as you'll never be happy. The reason we have relationships with others is to see if we're compatible. You tried it and you found you weren't... simple! Nothing wrong with that. He IS needy and he IS insecure, the intelligent, controlling part of him is just a wall to hide his insecurities.
Yes, he'll be upset that you have broken up with him but he'll get over it. Meanwhile get on with your life and don't give in to the emotional blackmail he's hitting you with now. Stand your ground, be assertive and let him know once and for all you don't mind being his friend but you know now that you can never be anything more than that (even if you thought you could be at the start.) If he can't accept that then that's his problem and he has to deal with it, you've already dealt with it so good for you.
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, Conslw  +, writes (17 November 2008):
Well as I'm reading what you have written I'm getting the impression that he is insecure with many things and uses his intellect as a barrier. It's the only thing he seems to feel confident about and when you try to give him suggestions and help it makes him think maybe he's not as smart as he thought and so then leads to thinking well what else do I have. Anyway besides his personality quarks it sounds like you dumping him was the best idea both your wants and needs in life are different. You have to have someone you will be able to grow with in some form of direction that you both want. Seeking outside advice is always a good step to gaining some understanding especially at your age I'm 25 and I can't tell you how much I have grown and changed over the years especially in relationships and what I want. Good luck
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