A
male
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:My names David, I'm a 21 year old white male. I've been dating my girlfriend for 7 months. I have a serious problem with abusive. I have abusive patterns such as name calling and violence. By violence I mean I hit her once. So I felt bad, very bad and was told by her to leave for the night, as i should of course because we needed time. So She deicided to get drunk with my brother who also lives with us and take xanax. She has a perscription for that but took more due to her pain. Later that night I came home to find the to of them in our bedroom having oral sex. I left and was devastated. The next day my brother moved out and we decided to try and put the past behind us. Now I have been abusive before, for that I am forever wrong. But is her behavour in any way justified? Of course mine is not. Now I know we need help, Therapy and what not, but is that forgivable if we both try and change. I just dont know how I'll ever get that image out of my mind. Or my violence out of hers, what can I do?
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drunk, moved out, oral sex, violent Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, quiet-echo  + ♥, writes (28 October 2009):
 No, she wasn't justified in doing what she did, nor was your brother.
Yes, this and a whole host of other things are forgiveable, but unless there is real and lasting change it will be a continuous downward spiral.
Instead of trying to repair the relationship, maybe you could start by trying to repair yourself. That's a big enough task on it's own.
Individual therapy would be a good first start. Keeping a journal should help mark your progress. To that end, OpenOffice.org is free open source software similar to Microsoft Word, but it allows you to password protect documents. There are many insightful articles online (some rubbish ones too) you could read. Check out your local library for books on anger and related topics.
You can do this if you want it badly enough.
A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
 This sounds like a very immature relationship between two very immature and irresponsible people.
What the hell are you doing living together with a girl you have known only 7 months? Why is she doing drugs and alchohol, some of the most abused drugs are prescription drugs, especially among women, do you live someplace like Florida where doctors are willing to sell these on the black market?
You have no business either one of you being in a relationship. Neither of you are healthy enough to be in one.
I don't think her behavior was justified, I think it sounds immature and not even thought through....she just did that because he was there.
Ask her to move out. Go to counseling on your own to work out your issues with abusive behavior and anger. This will be the best thing you ever do for yourself and once you are healthy emotionally, you won't attract such weak willed sisters.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2009): Drop her!
There are a lot of people she could have chosen to blow. To pick you brother, and "accidentally" get found out, means she was intentionally trying to stir up trouble for you and your family.
Thats the way her mind works. You will have noting but trouble with her.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
Yes, you do need help, and I'm glad you've seen that. That's a good step. I'm not saying she was justified in what she did, but I certainly understand why she did it, and I won't judge her, because the truth was, she wans't looking for sex, she was looking for affection and love, which she didn't feel she could find with you. Even if it turns out that you can't get back together, you must get help for your rage, because one day you might hit a girl you love, and she might not get back up. You could try to get back together, but I wonderu if the damage has been done and you'd be better off getting help for yourself adn moving on. Don't wait around and pin all your hopes up, only to find out she's moved on and you're alone. That will send you back into your rage, whch you really don't want. The important thing is that you get help, understand why you have a problem with rage and never do it again. Good luck.
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