A
male
age
41-50,
*otatingjedi
writes:Dear Cupid,I had been in a relationship (on and off) now for 6 yrs until 2days ago. The relationship started off well although I had just gotten out of the longest relationship of my life at the time so explained that I wouldn't be able to get too deep and thought we could have fun for a while. However, she ended up moving into my small flat very quickly...like one day we were dating, next she was living with me.A series of events occurred involving her lending a friend of mine a lot of money and this meant that in order for her to have a roof over her head(and me too), we had to stay together... for "financial/practical reasons". Still I had the idea, and expressed it regularly to her, that it wouldn't be permanent and long-term committment was never an option for me...perhaps this is what stopped me from ever committing to the relationship entirely??So, time kept moving and I kept telling myself and her that I couldn't commit to her, 3yrs passes much quicker than you realise...by this time you're probably wondering why couldn't he commit?? It could be because I'd told myself from the beginning and so often that I didn't allow myself to ever even consider it as an option... what's worse is that I suspect some of things that eventually led to my ending it for good, could also just be down to holding back in the initial stages so much...I mean, at first we kissed passionately but shortly after she moved in (without really asking) it stopped and something about her almost made me cringe when I kissed her; yet, on we plodded...So, 6yrs passed in total...we had a couple of breaks; I moved out and got my own place tried to cut ties...we got back together a couple of times... I admitted to cheating on her, she still wanted me in her life. Two days ago I decided that I couldn't give her what she wanted, you know, kids, marriage etc. I want those things but for some reason not with her?!? I haven't mentioned her qualities but she has everything that any man would want from a woman from being sexy to being domestic/intelligent, you name it she's got it... just that one key element was missing for me...the spark! I never felt "in love" with her.Now, it's only been 2 days and I miss her which is obviously expected but I almost regret taking this decision to end the relationship...but then remember the cringe of the kiss (questioning whether that's due to the resentment I had for her moving in so swiftly when I wasnt ready for it), the feeling in the pit of my stomach that tells me that I shouldn't be with her. But it doesn't take away the pain of losing someone I truly cared for and it doesnt take away the confusion of whether I want her back or just want her to be happy?? I felt this way before, and we ended up back together twice...when we're together I don't want her, when we're not I don't...Should I cut all ties and not respond to her calls/texts/messages on facebook? Is that the only fair way? Or am I making the biggest mistake of my life?
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (6 September 2010):
 If you dont feel the spark, then you probably never will. And maybe you HAVE taken the right decision. You really like his woman and you're comfortable with her...6 yrs is a long time...BUT...if you love someone, then you just know it. You wouldn't need 6 yrs to try and convince yourself. And for me, the only reason why you should be with someone, is love.You obviously feel bad that she's not a part of your life now, but that's probably for the best. At times you just have to let the other person go. If she cant have a life with you, then let her move on and make a life of her own. As long as you would be a part of each others lives, neither of you can move on. She will always be someone very special in your life, whom you cared for.... and always have that memory of her's, in your mind. You did the right thing moving on. It will hurt like hell now, but its best for both of you in the long run.All the best :)
A
female
reader, LLindy87  +, writes (6 September 2010):
 it sounds to me that you were passive and not that into her. She moved too quickly and I'm saying you were passive because then and there you should have told her you weren't ready for that.
I know what you mean with that 'cringe' feeling. Your gut was trying to tell you that she was wrong for you. You need that spark, yes its important to use your head with decisions, but its also equally important to use your heart. Only using one or the other leads to downfall.
I think you may be feeling regrettful since you know you are hurting her by breaking up with her, but in the long run you did her a favor. She now can find a guy that feels that spark with her and is okay with how fast she moves.
Its okay not to feel the spark, it helps you out too. Now you are free to find someone you are able to fall for.
Its mature of you to realize that you want what you don't have, because that is normal to feel that way. You are double guessing your decision, because there are so many what ifs. But do you really wanna marry someone someday that you cringe when you get physical with them???
probably not.
its a good thing you broke up with her, for both your sakes. you did not make the biggest mistake of your life.
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A
female
reader, sarahrose20  +, writes (6 September 2010):
it sounds like you two are very close n in fact are meant to be each others companions nothing more of course youre going to miss after her being such a big part of your life 6 years but that doesnt maen you should be together as a couple my advice would be to keepyour distance for a while and giveyou and her a chance to get used to being friends then gradually start inviting her to hang out with other ppl present and see how it goes
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