A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Thank you for taking time to read and advise me.I am 42, unhappily married (he has PTSD w/depression and has cheated on and off). Plus I have a special needs toddler who comes first in my life. 2019, I started to make changes to produce a more happy peaceful life. I started to take me time, I lost over 35lbs and now weigh 119lbs, I also started to not let my husbands mood swings effect me by simply walking away, teaching by example and explaining how he is coming across, and last asking him to go see a counselor and or go with me to see a marriage counselor. His views are distorted and fantasy is his reality versus what is going on around him. Example he feels I don’t care, however my track record of buying surprises ( $500 flight training, weight bench, new smart watch) that I bought him over the year- also gave him advices/ directions of how to communicate to get his management position he now has.I encouraged him to workout, go out with friends spend time with his only good family member (uncle). He can’t see the big picture, he has continually hurt me emotionally and because self sabotage effects us more than him, like not listening to our budget or not cutting wood so our house keeps warm, or not working on our house he lives through the tv. I took a part time job, at Christmas time I got concert tickets, and a few things and guess what I got, O... I explained how it made me feel, and how both my 19 year old and special needs child saw that.I asked him to go with me too marriage counseling (5 time I asked in one year). He said he was a adult man, he did not need to sit down and talk with anyone. I in that moment realized what my future was, with him, and what my life was always going to be like.. So it’s okay, I can move forward with no regrets because I have gone above and did all that one person can do. Now too my question, I explained the above because I want you too see what my life has been. I met someone ( reacquainted) and female- actually many years ago I had a crush on her. She came onto me before the holiday.Before I got and throughout my marriage I told my husband if I felt comfortable and the opportunity presented itself I needed to go forward with this. I feel, like I am at where I need to be with my position and with her, like we are supposed know each other and she is supposed to help me get over this hurtle of acceptance on myself.I feel, she has been hurt, and hiding in her job. My concern is before Christmas, she thought I was rejecting her, because I was coming in later, and was very sick.So when I became aware, I talked with her, tried to correct not to be worried I liked her.I also made a ornament for her, she is a big shot ( in the closet)In the small town... I can see she would like something from the heart than bought type of person. I felt all was okay, then she seen my 19 year old, and I seen her kinda in the shadows ( background) watching me play with my toddler. I felt like she, didn’t want me to see, her watching. Then I seen her in thought looking at my car, then disappeared into her office. Since then she has ghosted me or I am being too nervous.( week) I am smart enough to see - either she wants sex and is pulling away because we both are at different spots orShe needed time to think to see what she is feeling orShe is seeing if I will miss her and how much effort I will place in. I believe- it’s one of the above.I feel she is insecure a bit, by some actions I have noticed.She reminds me of a older, social backwards doctor who is set in their ways. Like the doctor on virgin creek. My question is what do I do? Do I talk with her, or just let her be? Regardless I am looking for a full time position, and leaving a bad situation. However, I need to do this exploration for me- and I would like it too be with her. I did tell her, before Christmas in my way- What should I do-
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acne, christmas, crush, insecure Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (5 January 2020):
 Your choice of gifts is the most telling part of your story. Your husband gets gifts intended to help him get physically into shape, and to improve his earning potential. You are giving those gifts to him to make him in to the kind of person you want him to be. Really you are giving him presents that are for you. Even the tickets were given so that he would attend the concert with you.
Your intended girlfriend on the other hand you accept exactly the way she is. You give her the gift of your time and thought. You yearn for her even after her rejection.
In the end you ask us "what should I do-" ? I think you need to decide what your #1 priority really is. If it is your special needs toddler then you "should" bend your efforts to providing a stable home environment for that child.
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 January 2020):
 I think if you TOLD her you were interested in something more than friendship and SHE pulled back, then you have your answer.
She doesn't want that.
I understand that for you, the marriage has now become a marriage of convenience for you. To ensure care for your toddler. At least until you have a job where you can take care of yourself and your children. Which makes sense.
However, that doesn't MEAN you now have a free pass to "explore" your sexuality with other people. You GAVE your vows when you got married. You ARE still married. Cheating won't FIX a thing. Not for your marriage nor for you.
And this woman you would want to "explore" with, doesn't WANT to be your "guinea pig" or "crash test dummy". Just because she MIGHT be gay or into women doesn't mean YOU are her type. Her looking at you and your kids means squat as far as attraction. She might not even WANT to get into ANYTHING romantically because if her position.
You have TRIED to convey to your husband what you NEED from him to make the marriage work. And he won't step up. So what can you REALLY do? You CAN decide that you NO LONGER wants to BE with him and move forward with a divorce, HE isn't going to BE the man you WANT him to be. He has shown you that repeatedly.
You have TRIED to convey to this woman that you are interested in a fling, and she has pulled away. THAT should tell you what's up. It's her "politely" telling you no, thanks.
Respect that.
And then SORT your life out before you start your own "fantasies" on par with your husband's of having a lover. It's not romantic being a cheater.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2020): It is not fair to try and start an affair with this woman.
Let's leave aside your husband's feelings for a second. Do you think this woman, who has been hurt before, deserves to be your dirty little secret? No she doesn't. She deserves more than being your experiement.
If you aren't happy with your husband, leave. And then decide if you want to date this other woman.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (5 January 2020):
 I’m going to give you my thoughts as I read through:
Why are you with your husband? He won’t change without serious individual therapy for his PTSD and delusions.
Showing you care isn’t about buying things; weight benches, smart watches, etc. It’s all moot.
It’s totally okay to explore. It is NOT okay to do so when you are in a monogamous marriage - whether you’re unhappy or not. Get divorced, THEN and only then should you explore your sexuality. There are no excuses.
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