A
female
age
30-35,
*ecret me
writes:i'm crying as i write this and feel so silly for doing it. i feel like my brain isn't functioning properly sometimes like theres something missing, i feel like i don't think like other people. it's only in the last couple of months that I've kind of accepted it i just don't know what to do....i should start from the beggining because thats where i guess it's began, my dad never wanted me went out of his way to ignore me and even now when i get upset i shout out to him really stupid i know as he's never been there I've sent him letter and pictures but he's never wrote back and then when i was 6 i was rape a few times by a family member i never told anyone because he was sent to prison and i din't see him again until i was twelve and he did touched me again i hate it because even then i didn't think he did anything wrong i didn't love him or anything just thought it was all quite normal.Then through out my mums relationships I've heard and seen her beat up, one of her boyfriends came into my room once and showed me his penis. also theres a man down the street who's i used to go round to play with his children tried it on with me when i was bout 10 and did so about 5times he still lives their now. my boyfriend of nearly 3years recently broke up with me because of my jealousy but i thought he'd get that i can't trust him or any man because of what every male in my life did to me i really relied on him to the extreme nothing in my life seemed important i'd buy him little presents to try and make him love me to the extent i loved him. so I've become very depressed. i think i may have body dis morphia when i look in the mirror i don't see me i don't feel like its me i don't feel ugly or pretty people also say i'm underweight but i don't see it i can tell i'm not overweight or obese i just can't tell how thin i am i'm just normal i do feel like my thighs are big though.i feel better for talking about it but i just don't know what to do now. no one would ever guess i'm like this because i'm quite loud and talkative but i just talk alot so people wont have time to think horribly of me i know this all sounds really stupid and i feel annoyed with my self because there are so many other people with bigger problems then me i just need to know what to do? xx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): I think you need a bit of time out by yourself. Sounds like you need to get away for a couple of weeks on your own to get to know yourself again. Get to know you as a new fresh person and try to look past the abused little girl you used to be. Try to tell yourself that its over now and that you can relax. Dont ever let yourself be a victim again. Forget everyone and concentrate on yourself because you are the one who has to live your life. I know it sounds really hard but i know from my own experiance of being raped as a child and i know that this is what i have done. If you ever want to talk just say on here and i will try and see if i can send a message.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (12 December 2009):
 I would say that being raped as a little child is about as big a problem as you can get. It seems like you think it is something you just should be able to deal with.
You can't and why should you want to? There are support groups for survivors of abuse all over the world and they exist for a reason. Often it helps just knowing that you are not the only one, to talk to others who have experienced the same thing.
Your bf can't do this, he doesn't understand. Neither does he have the age for being a shoulder to lean on.
Right now you are exhibiting behavior that is typical for an abuse survivor. Unable to trust and seeking to control/buy affection. Some victims do it with sex, if I fuck him he must care about me. You do it with presents. I buy him X and in return he will care for me. Love doesn't work that way. Sex does, but not love.
You are trying to deal with people but your view of people has been twisted because of what happened in your past, so you are playing a game without truly understanding the rules.
Seek out counseling for sexual abuse survivors. Just google for the term and your area and you should find some references. Samaritans might also operate in England and they provide a call service and can often refer you if more is needed.
You don't have to deal with this alone and there is no shame in what happened to you. But experience has shown that most people can't work it out on there own. You need help or you will continue to mistrust everyone for the actions of a few and you will continue to be their victim.
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A
female
reader, LilPixie +, writes (12 December 2009):
 This is not stupid!
I know how it feels for your dad not to be around, as i grew up without him too (its been 3 years since I last saw him). I know it can be hard not to have a dad around, but you're honestly better off without him. There have been so many times when I wished that he was there, but when I look back on things, I never really needed him.
No one deserves to be treated the way you were/ are. I really think that you should see a councillor, you'll be able to tell them how you feel and they'll be able to give you advice on how to deal with this and what to do next.
Don't be annoyed at yourself, you have every right to feel this way!!
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