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Uncertain about my forthcoming marriage

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 December 2016) 4 Answers - (Newest, 5 December 2016)
A female age 26-29, anonymous writes:

im confuse with what i really feel and what should i do with my fiance. i doubt my thought and perception about him. sometimes i feel hes the right man for my life and future family. the other time i cant stand when we are together because we often get in arguments which is quickly solved by him calm me down or explain things to me.

i guess i have some trust issues and we have communication problem. i also feel constant urge to seek reassurance from him. when he is busy or we dont meet, i feel strong urge to call him just to make sure what hes doing and where hes been. i think reason of what he did it is because i keep pushing him and cant make him feel peaceful around me. I admit i tried to change him and complain a lot,its for his good.

what happen in the past:

- we have been together for almost a decade and sometimes i feel unsure about his real personality. he likes to surprise me with things he did. whether its bad or good. ex: we been through the worst breakup,yet he proposed and things change better than ever. he is more commited and often surprise me with his commitment. the bad one : hed find prostitute for bj with his bestfriend influenced twice (until now he is still inexperience in sex), that happen 4 years ago in college life.

- he lied to me for various things, from where and what he did to avoid going out with me ( because hes broke that time and i always feel suspicious about him that make him uncomfortable).

things that happening now :

- he is more commited than before.

- he convinces me about his whereabout and what hes doing without im asking him by sending pictures and tell me about his business ( he just starting new business so that it consume lot of energy and time). he loves to get my support.

what never change since the first time we meet :

- his warm caring and responsible attitude towards me, he always make sure my well being.

- he loves to make me happy, he would spare me the most delicious part of food he order or what i love to eat for me. when we need to eat only 1 portion, he made sure i eat enough and he will let me eat first and always finish my food that i cant finish.

- he never calculated things with me eventhough he is trifty person. he spare budget to buy me jewellery once a year in my birthday ( im never ask for it, it purely his idea).

- he accept me as i am. Never trying to change me which im very grateful being with him.

- he loves to introduce me to everyone in his life. his friends, relatives, family etc. he doesnt bother or ashame to show his feeling for me around everyone. he strokes my hair, feed me part of his food for me to try, watch in my eyes deeply when talking, rub and grab my hand, etc even in front of his family.

- he proudly tell his friends im his future wife and i dont know what he tell them about me, but i feel they appreciates me much when we met in person. they tease him loving me so much that he would die for me.

- his family and friends thinks im his soulmate. he loves me deeply based on what they think and see. he convinced his mom about me when the first time we get in relationship( thats what his bestfriend told me). He often tell his family good things about me and they suddenly know what im good at and love me.

- he is not possesive and is positive thinking person from the start. sometimes i wonder he is believe in me or dont care about me.

its not a crucial attitute but it touched me deeply. i think he is somewhat proud of having me as his partner.

i dont know what he loves about me beside he thinks im going to be a good housewife and mom in the future. i conclude that bc he seems happy and excited knowing me love kids and do the cooking. he says he doesnt know why he loves me,he just did.

my doubt is why we always argue on everything. our taste is different and i know he desperate for bonding with me as i do with him. we lost our excitement but why hes so serious preparing for our wedding and urging to marry me when we get nothing to excited about and argue a lot? he said whatever happen to our relationhip he wish we can maintain and grip on our commitment. I sometimes have doubt about our relationship and questioning him but he otherwise never doubt about me.

theres much things that i cant list on here cause it will be too long. i need some advice and opinion please.

View related questions: fiance, prostitute, soulmate, wedding

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2016):

janniepeg, im glad to hear your comment, but i must add the reason why we argue a lot and why i keep worry all the time.

we argue for various things. we seems to always have different opinion. he get manipulative sometimes when i confront him about his lie. he would get angry and yell at me to stop nagging. he thinks im nagging and complaining, but for me its the way to tell him my thoughts.

sometimes when he tells me about his work or im asking, i think he get arrogant and passive aggresive bc when i ask him what is it when i dont understand, he is not answering me directly but said how come you dont know about it? or thats why we are disconnected because your way of thinking is sometime weird.

he said its hard to explain things to me because he thinks i seems to know a little about the world outside. yes, i admit that im not socialize much outside. but im sure i have no trouble in understanding and communicating with other all this time. my parent thinks im brilliant,but he thinks my way of thinking is unusual.

that pissed me a lot when he degrades me. i get bad mood and start to doubt about our connection. that usually happens for a couple of hour and we get okay again after that.

sometime i feel so grateful to have a man who loves me unconditionally, would accept me as i am, and take his own word and commitment seriously. but in the other hand i feel he degrades and underestimate me.. he also have avoidant style when we have argument which make me feel left out.

when we meet, have a date, we dont have any purpose. dont know where to go, what will we do, and easily get bored. its not the same with the first time we meet. theres no excitement and fun. no topic except im asking about his job which he hate to discuss too much because he feels he should suppose to be enjoying our date, not discussing about work all the time.

so what makes him still want me? is he taking any advantage from me? he wants family with me but cant enjoy or spend much time with me. he said i keep complain and nag makes him hardly enjoy our together time. he seldom initiate dates but invest in amount of money and plan for our wedding. even tell his family and friends about marry me. although i know his work takes much time from him now.

he said im overthinking things and he loves me so much. when he calls me and tell me about his day i feel so happy and positive. but when he is busy i feel so lonely and all the doubts come in my mind.

what can i do?

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (5 December 2016):

CindyCares agony auntAlthough I agree with Janniepeg rhat there ìs never any guarantee in life, I have to disagree with the rest of her answer to feel the fear and do it anyway.

That's because I have a very good memory, so, even without a moniker or a flag, I remember that you have posted several other times about this guy and the problems in your relationship. ( It stuck in my mind that curiously every time you never fail to mention among the positives that show his committment , the fact that he makes sure you eat well, or the foods you like better. ...Why is this such a big deal, btw ?. I mean, it's kind of him, but, could you not simply just order 2 portions, or EACH order their favourite food or part of food, without having to feed each other leftovers ? ) I noticed that this time you have given an edited version of the story, and glissed over the most worrisome aspects. Which are not, at least IMO, the fact that he betrayed with prostitutes twice, ( although that too would be a huge red flag for many people ) but, skipping the details, the fact that he repeatedly and constantly showed an attitude of severe unreliability and irresponsibility that goes well beyond a little white lie.You also complained that he would favor his friends over you , and always had a good excuse for not spending time with you, and that when you do , you do not have much to say to each other, basically. At the same time , he is adamant that he wants to marry you and to marry you soon.

My take is, that he knows you'd be a great catch. He'd get the good housewife, cook and mother of his children whom he is looking for. His parents love you and approve you, whuch is also very important to him. His family is more socially and financially prominent than his - he'd be marrying " up ". You'd make him look good. And you are a sweet girl that, in the last almost 10 years , has pouted a little at his big mistakes ... but eventually has always taken him back and basically let him do whatever he wants.

I bet he's committed !, he would be stupid to let you slip through his fingers. It's an excellent deal for him. A deal, though,... which not necessarily includes true love from his side, or passion, or... respect.

I guess you perceive this deep down, and this is what makes you hesitant . The realization that he does not want really bad YOU, you as a person, as his wife... he wants really bad A wife, with certain characteristics which you happen to possess- and the two things are not exactly the same , if you know what I mean.

Anyway, beyond and regardless of the above- no, you should not marry anyway. One should be totally enthusiastic about her marriage,- if you feel he is the one wild horses could not drag you away- and although this frame of mind is admittely also the cause for many rushed marriages which fail soon after.... on the other hand, if in TEN years ! you could not muster some enthusiasm, some " oooomyGod I just can't wait " at the idea of getting married with him - that is a sign that should really make you stop and reflect and ask yourself " what am I really doing here ? WHY am I in this relationship ? "

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2016):

janniepeg, im glad to hear your comment, but i must add the reason why we argue a lot and why i keep worry all the time.

we argue for various things. we seems to always have different opinion. he get manipulative sometimes when i confront him about his lie. he would get angry and yell at me to stop nagging. he thinks im nagging and complaining, but for me its the way to tell him my thoughts.

sometimes when he tells me about his work or im asking, i think he get arrogant and passive aggressive bc when i ask him what is it when i dont understand, he is not answering me directly but said how come you dont know about it? or that's why we are disconnected because your way of thinking is sometime weird.

he said its hard to explain things to me because he thinks i seems to know a little about the world outside. yes, i admit that im not socialize much outside. but im sure i have no trouble in understanding and communicating with other all this time. my parent thinks im brilliant,but he thinks my way of thinking is unusual.

that pissed me a lot when he degrades me. i get bad mood and start to doubt about our connection. that usually happens for a couple of hour and we get okay again after that.

sometime i feel so grateful to have a man who loves me unconditionally, would accept me as i am, and take his own word and commitment seriously. but in the other hand i feel he degrades and underestimate me.. he also have avoidant style when we have argument which make me feel left out.

when we meet, have a date, we dont have any purpose. dont know where to go, what will we do, and easily get bored. its not the same with the first time we meet. theres no excitement and fun. no topic except im asking about his job which he hate to discuss too much because he feels he should suppose to be enjoying our date, not discussing about work all the time.

so what makes him still want me? is he taking any advantage from me? he wants family with me but cant enjoy or spend much time with me. he said i keep complain and nag makes him hardly enjoy our together time. Sometime i feel he would choose his friend than me to spend time with. But when we have double dates with his friends he is so happy and lively and excited again with me. He hug me a lot and seems very happy. he seldom initiate dates but invest in amount of money and plan for our wedding. even tell his family and friends about marry me. although i know his work takes much time from him now.

What am i really feel? Whats wrong with me? What should i do?

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada + , writes (5 December 2016):

janniepeg agony auntIt seems like your fiancé is doing everything he can to reassure you but it's still not enough. There is no guarantees in life, even with a piece of marriage certificate. He's almost sexually pure, yet his history of a bj given by a prostitute could mean that there's a possibility down the road that he might cheat, you think. Love is not something you can dissect and analyzed, so that's the thing you worry about. If there's no guarantee that love doesn't last forever, then why get married, you think.

If you feel this way towards this guy, who does sound like a catch, a dream come true to many women, then you would definitely feel this way towards another guy. If I were you I would focus on the moment, feel the fear and do it any way. When you focus on the past and future you miss out on enjoying day to day life.

You can also do something about the arguing. Make sure you are not subconsciously trying to sabotage the relationship because secretly you want out. Or that you are constantly trying to test his love for you. He's sweet now because marrying you is the goal. People do have limits and he might snap one day out of frustration. I think when you set your mind out that he's the one, then you would stop arguing so much because you accept him as he is. He seems to understand that a relationship does not stop after marriage, it's just the beginning. If you are not excited about building your life with him, then you have to ask yourself if you really love him, and not just the way he treats you. The tone of this post suggests that you think he's not the same league as you, and that he constantly has to prove his worth. Admiration towards a spouse is important. You seem to worry that once he stops the façade of pleasing and reveals his true self, then there would be changes and he would stop pleasing you; he would let himself go; you might see more of his bad habits, etc. Well, that might happen some day, as it has happened to the majority of the world but that doesn't stop people from getting married.

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