A
male
age
36-40,
*oul83
writes:OK so my main gripe is that my gf likes to continually call me out on "being an idiot" in her words. It's starting to frustrate me but I try to keep my cool so that she can't see it having an effect on me.Take last night for instance, she started to go on about quitting her job and staying at home to look after the house and how she had nothing to do today and would come to visit me at the school where I teach. I was thinking, what the hell! We need to both keep working to save up for our future together...She came across as deadly serious and started talking about how she wants to make me a priority in her life and that she can't wait to come back to Australia with me etc etc.Then she turns around a couple of hours later and says to me as we are getting ready for bed to set the alarm as she has to be up early. I said oh ok so you didn't quit your job eh otherwise why would you be up so early. To which she laughed, called me an idiot and said that I believe what people say too easily...and that she was trying to teach me a lesson.Quite frankly I'm tired of games like this. I try not to let it bother me but it still does. I don't easily trust people and find it hard to trust her sometimes. I thought she was genuinely changing her behaviour and was going to try to spend more time with me (I'd like to take her out for a date or somewhere fun at least once per week if possible) and less time running around with her tourists, friends and shopping. Yes I must spend a lot of hours between my jobs now (full time job and a part time one on the side, not to mention the travelling time to and from each workplace and home). But I'd still like her to try and spend a fair bit of time with me when we are both free. I'm glad her closest friend is busy now because I've seen her encourage my gf to disrespect me on a number of occasions (I worry that she will lead my gf on to go to the bar and play up) - to that end, there's been a few times where I've tried to call my gf when she's been out with her 'best friend' and she's purposely hung up the phone on me and refused to answer my messages. That kind of behaviour has me sometimes thinking that her friend is encouraging her to ignore me. I don't often call her when she's out with friends anyway (I like to give her time and space to do things with her friends, much like I enjoy not being disturbed when I'm out but I will answer the phone if I see her calling unless it's the tenth call in a short period of time).Things have improved a fair bit recently in regards to her trying to spend more time with me so it seems that when I mention some things I'm 'thinking about' she does take them on board (even if she'll yell and scream at first and state bluntly that I won't change her). I'm not trying to change her - just trying to get her to realise that a relationship means enjoying each other's company without being too reliant on each other. But also respecting each other!! She's constantly criticising me and thinks she can control me. When I show signs that I can't be controlled, she'll start to sulk. The put-downs keep coming (like telling me I'm too skinny and she doesn't want to hug me because it feels uncomfortabe for her). I'll admit that's a problem - I need to work on eating more and heading to the gym (I'm a bit limited with sports and lifting above certain weights with my back - having rods in there is a nuisance because it makes me look stiff and rigid).I'm a quieter more serious person but trying to change to be more open and laugh/joke a lot more. I don't mind mucking around and stirring her up. But I don't like being criticised constantly :-/In my mind the ideal relationship would be just having fun, being relaxed around each other, looking forward to seeing each other, not criticising each other unless it's called for, letting each other know what we are doing (eg. if either of us are going out for the night or staying home i.e. should i save food for her when she gets in or will she eat out and vice versa), trying to prioritise each other by thinking about each other often and working hard to save for our future together - it's about having the common goal of working towards a shared life together. I'm being so serious about these things because she has brought up marriage and going back with me. If I don't see things that indicate that she wants to respect me and consider me more often (I'm always thinking about her)then I can't really think about a serious commitment in the short term! Yes, I've started looking at the aspects of successful marriages and started to ask important questions about what she wants for the future.
View related questions:
period, workplace Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, soul83 +, writes (4 April 2010):
soul83 is verified as being by the original poster of the question@anonymous
Thanks for the reply. I've been concerned that things are only going to get worse.
Last night was a classic example. I told her I would leave the office at 6 to get to her by 6:30. So she went ahead and bought tickets to a movie to surprise me (this came after I complained that I have not much money at the moment - only just landed a full time job this week and have to pay for expenses like rent, visa etc). But the boss held me up and she called half way through the meeting to ask me when i was coming and to get there before 7. I said no problem I'll come soon. I was cutting it too fine when I left and only just made it in time. She was so upset and giving me the cold shoulder because she had been waiting around since 5 when she finished her work. Bit of a coincidence that she chose a movie - I was looking at movie websites at work thinking we should meet up after her work to watch one :P We always follow each others thinking and pick up on each others feelings easily.
It only got worse from there and I pretty much followed her her back to a restaurant near our home. Along the way, she criticised me for being late too often (we've had some big arguments over this and I've tried to tell her that sometimes things happen that hold us up...), being immature, a mommy's boy because I used to communicate with my mother a fair bit about how things were going with my time here in China, she thinks something is wrong with my head and I need to have a psyc evaluation ("because it's not normal to behave the way I am at my age..."), claims that while I was away last week in HK she went to the bar and hooked up with a few guys (which I know is bs anyway), that she is going back to her ex, that she doesn't love me but only likes me, hates my behaviour, I'm dragging her down (to the contrary, she's killing me - I'm sick and tired of having her turn around and say she is going to leave), that she wants a foreigner to get into another country, that she's only with me until someone better comes along, that she will divorce me when she gets into the country...
I have suspected the last part for a little while. I don't blame her for being angry that I ruined a nice night by cutting it so fine. But saying that last part was too much. This morning she was trying to suck up to me in bed by hugging me, apologising and saying she loves me. But I don't believe her anymore. My health is declining from the stress of it all and I fear that what you said happened to your older brother will happen to me. I was a bit slow getting ready this morning (I wasn't feeling well) so she went ahead of me. I recieved about 5 calls in the space of 5 mins from her - I wouldn't answer because I was getting ready and was busy coughing up in the sink (still getting over a chest infection). When I aswered her she asked where I was and then said well it's my problem if I want to be late (YEAH IT IS MY PROBLEM NOT HERS). Then she started texting me to say she hated me and that my family will all be f***** over. I think she has some kind of mental issues... A 24 year old girl doesn't behave like that. It's something you expect from a 7 year old. She was also convinced that the neighbours called her a dog in Mandarin when we were in the elevator last night. So she went up to their door, kicked it and abused them. Well of course I confronted them too thinking they had said something bad to her. They deinied it and said they were talking about real estate - my gf asked me to back down and come away... Actually I clearly heard the Mandarin word as well.
She says that her mother likes to fight people and used to accuse people of saying bad things about her. All of the neighbours would hear the fighting.
Actually I'm thinking about taking a break from her. If she is forced to move out for a while, she will go back to her ex (so pretty much will break permanently with her because there's no guarantee they wouldn't hook up). This is fast becoming some kind of joke. Maybe if she just says nothing to me and leaves me alone even though we are under the same roof. I really do need some time alone I think - as much as it would still upset me to lose her. I can't live with her sometimes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2010): DON'T PUT UP WITH THIS!!! (This is coming from a female, by the way) My older brother's wife was exactly like this when they started dating and once they got married, it only got worse, and worse, and worse, until my brother reached his boiling point and ended-up bottling it up and falling into a deep depression, which he is stil recovering from. They now have two kids, which makes the situation even more stressful. She is always trying to get her way, always critisizing him, always "busting his balls" (which she now practically keeps in a jar). Part of it...well...part of it, I blame on him, since he didn't have the guts in the begining to say or do anything about the situation. So start now/early and 1) "put her in her place" (without violence of course) and tell her how you really feel ,or 2) get rid of her if she doesn't stop!
...............................
|
