A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a huge delima,i started becoming friends with a female co-worker,we knew each other some, then begining of March of last year, we became close.We talk everyday, all day,tease, joke around, she is just amazing to me, very diffrent in every way possible from anyone i ever met.Problem arises,I am in my fortys, married,one child, een married for 20 years. Now neither I or this other woman ever intended for anything to happen,but it has.Now we been sleeping with each other 2-3 times a week for the last year and two months.The thing is i am commited to my family and i know i am wrong for being with other woman. But every time ,i try to let go ,i can't she is everything to me ,we have great conversations,great everything while together.I am at my wits end ,I have just admitly to myself realise i have totally fell in love with her, and it scares me to the point of no return.When she starts to say she should really find someone who can be there for her all the time (it rips me up inside)I want to be that person, but i can't and i have no right to hold her back either.I took a day of from work other day ,first time in long time took my family away for weekend,Within 4 hours,i was looking for excuses to get out and call other woman i missed hearing her voice.I missed the conversations we have. I think i am in a bit of a pickle and not even sure where to start and try to sort it.I have tried to talk to the wife about things,she eithers just walks away or falls asleep. She has no idea when i leave house or anything. Like she has no intrest at all in anything except that i bring home the paycheck. Ugh! sorry this is so long,just have no idea what to even try next.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2008): Dear, A male age 41-50, anonymous,I too was in a similar situation. We hired a "new girl" at work, usually I dont pay much attention because I am married and the thought has never crossed my mind. But this woman was put into a position where I worked closley with her and was actually training her to do my job so I could advance. Well, we spent hours together, talking and flirting, we both realized that we had a lot in common. Im not going into all the details but our lifes seemed to run parallel, same tragities of parental loss, same abusive past relationships, same wants. I represented what she want a hard ed to be. She almost worshiped me and hung on every word. I kept telling her I was nothing special, though my field is unique and I am a highly proficient at it. I tried to downplay the whole thing but she kept advancing, knowing I was married. We started to hang out after work, before work, Friday nights, yes it started to become physical, but no sex, something would stop one of us. Her friends and family adored me (I have no idea what she told them). I want to make this point clear...I NEVER told her that I would leave my wife and family for her. In fact I told her my kids were the most importaint thing to me. I started to wonder if I was really in love with her, or if I just wanted her to be as good at work, or if I felt sympathy for her because she was having a hard time with life (husband left her for a stripper, she has 2 kids the father doesnt have any contact with).I left that job for another but she would still call me and even visit me at my new job.One day she told me she wanted to see somebody else but still wanted to see me. I told her that I was happy she found somebody and that she shouldnt worry about me, I would be around. She seemed a little taken back...I think she wanted a reaction that I didnt give her. Well, that relationship lasted 2 weeks, it seems all he wanted was sex and she missed our conversations, dinner, dancing (yes , I was doing all these things with my wife too). So things went back, with the calls, texts, emails. Then she started to get depressed, she even started cutting herself. She asked me to buy anti-depressants for her, I did. I spent all my free time with her because I wanted her to feel better, I told my wife I was hanging out with a depressed friend.Finally I couldnt take anymore of the situation, she was now consistantly depressed, I felt like it was a mix of a failed marrage, a failed relationship and being in love with someone she couldnt have, probly the drugs too (Px only) I told her I didnt think it was healthy for her to see me anymore. She whent into a fit, I said I would stil talk to her but we had to spend less time together. That worked for maybe a week. Finally I grew the balls to just cut her off, I dumped my email, turned off the texting on my phone, disconnected my answering service, and just didnt answer my cell when I knew it was her. She tried for 4 days to get ahold of me...I know it seems mean and I do feel guilty about the whole thing but what else could I do? I cared but I wasnt going to feel guilty for her hurting herself, nor did I want to see it.Look, I think what Im tring to say is the grass isnt always greener, and its not always the woman who is the victom...and anyone who says that the man "tricks" women into this really has a narrow view of the world and insinuate that these women are stupid. Two people have to make this decision, and Im sorry but this has been going on as long as poeple have been having sex. Also marrage is not the institution it once was, there is not enough value in that piece of paper anymore. I will leave you with this...You must do what YOU feel is right, no matter what others say. You are the person that has to live with it, nobody else. I am not here to judge, nor will I, but just here to say I understand...And that is what this world is missing....Understanding
A
male
reader, Troubled in Southern PA  +, writes (10 July 2008):
Dear, A male age 41-50, anonymous,Everyone who's posted earlier dosen't understand how hard it is, and what this man is going through. I know this because the same thing, well almost same thing has happened to me. I fell in love w/ a co-worker, much like you, and didn't do this on purpose. It just happened, first was the office flirtations, emails, group gatherings, and then feelings started to become apparent. My wife of 7 years (yeah I know) eventually found out and I moved in with my girlfriend. Everyone at work didn't understand, my family disowned me, and most of my friends sided with my wife. Same thing happend to my girlfriend who was also married for 7 years. We both filed for divorce, and her husband didn't want her back, but my wife didn't want to sign the papers, and used my child as a pawn. After several months living with my girlfriend, I decided that I would give my wife another chance, and make our lives o.k. again with our child. Now I'm living at home, but my heart aches every day I'm without my girlfriend. I fell out of love w/ my wife, and don't think its possible to get it back. Worst yet, I'm very certain that I lost the love of my life. Don't let this happen to you. Love is the stongest emotion, and the most treasured. If you fell out of love with your wife... chances are you won't fall back in love. You will still have rights to your child, but if you lose the one love you've been waiting your whole life for ... your going to grow to be an old, and lonely man, stuck in a relationship you wish you had ended. Be true to yourself, and take the steps towards true love. My heart aches everyday to be with her... but my child keeps me going. That is all I have left to live for now. Maybe once the required 2 years of separation is up I'll find my true love again. Troubled in Southern PA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2007): I am the other woman in a relationship and soner or later the girl you are with will demand to be put first, i dont like to be second i love him and he says he loves me and that makes me want him even more, i want him to leave his wife, and be with me, he says he wants me to have his baby, so that really makes me want to have his wife out of the picture, i want to have a family with him, so you must prepare yourself for all this, i hope you are prepared for the ride because you asked for it.!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2007): You write you have tried to talk to the wife about things,she eithers just walks away or falls asleep - that only meens that you did not really try, because you didn't chose the right moment for it! If you talk to your wife, don't do it when she has little time or wants to go to bed. Take time for this and do it seriously! What you are doing by what you say you have tried, is just a lame excuse for not really wanting to do it and trying to sleep away. But s longer you wait, as worse it gets!
Make your decision NOW. Chose NOW. Talk to your wife NOW! Don't wait for that! She has a right to know. For you two are married. That meens there are two of you not just you! And there is also a child! Think about that!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2007): tell your wife the truth, that you were too immature to act like a responsible adult and be faithful. she deserves to know, and its up to her if she even wants to be with someone like you. you've decided that you would rather be with someone else, so tell her the truth and give her the chance to go out and find someone who actually cares for her. get her out of this "marrige" that she doesn't deserve to be in.
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A
female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (20 May 2007):
 What about your wife? Do you still have feelings for her? What about your child? Do you love it? How do you know you love this other women? Is it because you have great sex with her what you can't have with your wife? How do you know if this can turn to real love. Sex has little relation to real, deep, solid love. But you probably know that yourself. Also: Let us assume you leave your wife to life with this other women. It could be that in two years you don't love this women anymore. Why?
I try to explane you what I learnt about falling in love and real love. Falling in love just happens to you. You can't really control it yourself. It is like being on drugs. The hormones in your body tell you what to do and are reigning your feelings. You can compare it with being drunk. The alcohol in your body makes you happy and you can forget your problems.
Real, deep, solid love is different. It is the decision to want the best for someone and to make this person happy. The feelings are different to the feelings of falling in love, and you don't always feel anything. But the cheerful feelings will come back again. This is not the case with falling in love. This feelings you will only have a few month ore years, but they will not come back in the same form.
Why, why to leave your wife and child just for having some fun with someone else and maybe get into big troubles?
Life is not just having fun for yourself and only do what you want to do and what seems to be best for you but not nice for others. To marry a women brings a lot of responsibility with it. Think about it what you really want and what is best for all of you not just seems to be allright for yourself.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (20 May 2007):
 Mira hombre, tiene que pensar en el futuro y su familia. You are not really committed to your family. You say you are, but you're not. That is the first truth you need to accept. Second truth is this. You, and perhaps your wife, became lazy and forgot about the romance you once had. What about STD's. How can you sleep with one woman and then with your wife.
You did actually know you were sliding down the slippery slope. It felt good though to get attention from another woman. Istead of realizing what wa happening, you kept going back for more. That was the beginning of the end. It happens all the time. You missed attention from your wife. Perhaps she missed it from you too. Is it possible she has another man? I'm hoping that question bothered you because it is exactly how she'd feel when she finds out you've bben cheating.
Right now you're living a fantasy. Why would you want to hook up with a woman who would be involved in this type of thing. Remember youhae to introduce her to your kids one day too.
You and your wife both became stuck in the routine of marriage and stopped trying. You went the wrong way and crossed the line. Your wife can't even fight for you because she doesn't know she's in a battle for you.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (20 May 2007):
 If your wife only has an interest in your paycheck, then it's definitely time to put an end to your relationship. The thing about relationships is that they take two people. Tell her that you feel as though she doesn't want the relationship anymore. If you have to split, try and be civil about it for the kids. From there, I would pursue the other relationship, but take it slow when introducing her to your kids. You don't want them to think that this new woman is trying in any way to replace their mother.
DV1
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