A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Thanks to all who respond here. I appreciate it.In about about a weeks time I am scheduled to fly out to another city to visit my brother and his second wife. He has started a new family and I am looking forward to seeing my two year old niece from this second marriage. There is a bit of a backstory in that my brothers second wife trained to be a chartered accountant and was due to go back to work this summmer. He is extremely controling and has blocked her doing that. She is very nice. She is Chinese. In emails and texts I mention her career accomplishments and it is as if she is nervous to talk about it.For the first time ever she has invited me to stay with them. She emailed a couple of times about when I was coming.Now there is more complication. His first wife lives close by and his son by this first marriage lives with her still. He has had a difficult time with addiction but seems to be getting his life together. Unlike my brothers first wife this lady never fails to ask me to stay when I am out there but after over ten years of being apart she still insists on badmouthing my brother which I dislike.Strangely after requesting that I confirm my flight details and when I am coming my brother and his first wife are ignoring my emails and texts letting them know my travel plans. I do need to know as I have book pet sitters ect.My thoughts are that my brother might be threatend by me discussing his wifes career...maybe not but he is very controlling. All I want to do is visit with my neice and nephew. I thought I would give it another day and cancel my flight. This will be met with great indignation by my brothers first wife who of course would love to have me stay with her.Again all I want to do is see my niece and nephew.Last year I booked a hotel because of this nonsense.I live in a rural area where people are real...my brother is extremely successful and money seems a big deal with that crowd....not a fit.I think I will cancel and say that the expense and worry is no longer worth it and they can visit me.My questions are:Why would first wife go out of her way to invite me and now ignore. Best way to handle?Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you handle it?
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male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (14 August 2016):
 Your brother's first wife will probably be looking for a partner. She realises she needs support. The son probably could use a good role model. It is a familiar pattern. Nothing wrong with it but just be aware.
As for your brother, who knows why he isn't responding. Maybe he's busy with work. Maybe his second marriage is in choppy waters. Why not pick up the phone and see what's going on?
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (14 August 2016):
 As it is your niece and nephew who are top of your visit priority list, can you afford to book into a hotel locally and not stay with either your brother or his second wife?The second wife sounds like she is totally under your brother's control. I appreciate he is your brother but I would not be pushing his buttons by discussing her career in front of him if it is a bone of contention between them. Save it for times he is not there. You do not know if there is abuse going on in the relationship and whether she will "pay" for you mentioning the career he has blocked.Re the first wife, can you not say to her "Listen, I value you as a friend, and I want to stay in contact with my nephew, but you really need to stop bad mouthing my brother because it puts me in an awkward position. Bad mouth him to others if you need to, just not to me."
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2016): I would not bother spending my time, energy and money flying out to see people who are ignoring you. Let them come to you. It sounds a bit messy. If you were going to stay independently in a hotel with travel/tourist plans thats different but this doesn't sound straight forward and you could end up miserable on this family visit
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