A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I need some help. My girl friend and I got in a fight last weekend and I told her I needed some space at the end of the fight to think things over. She got really depressed and now she doesn't feel close to me and resents me for not checking on her while I was getting space. I feel like a complete asshole b/c if I had checked on her things might be better but in the end I know I don't have that kind of control. Any tips for getting her out of this depressing state? She doesn't want me to touch her or get close to her, but at the same time she said she wants me to talk to her just she just said she probably won't be very lively. Any ideas?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (7 February 2009):
 Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, right?!?!
I can totally feel you. Most men withdraw when they fight, they appreciate space to breath and think. They would just prefer to be alone and chill out. A lot of women (like your girlfriend), want to talk it out, they want you to make the effort, show that you care. They don't like being left alone, it makes them feel abandoned or like you don't care about her.
I'm not saying you shouldn't have asked for space... not at all. You need to process things in whatever way helps you best and if that's space, that's space. But, to help her feel better about the fight you had and her confusion while you were gone, you need to take care of her in HER way.
Talk about things, be extra romantic and make sure she knows that you were using the time to reflect on your relationship and how much you care about her. Even if she is a frustrating person to talk to for the first part of your conversation, stick it out and let her get out that frustration. Be her dream man for a little while as TigerLily suggests - leave little notes around, give her kisses on the forehead just because, cook her dinner or order take-out from her favorite place.
Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow thanks for the advice. I see what you're saying it makes sense. I'm just trying to think of ways where I can show her I'm still here sending her messages telling her I think of her, but how else?
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (7 February 2009):
Hey there. This is one of those man/woman things that is so hard to navigate. I can understand you needing your space after a fight, that's what men do. They need time alone to sort it out. But taking this time cuts straight into a woman's biggest fear - abandonment. After a fight what a woman craves is to repair the feeling of closeness and connection she had which was threatened by the fight. You left her alone drowning in an ocean of silence for a week. She imagined your were gone, you didn't care about her, she lost you, you never really felt anything for her and were just in it for the sex, etc. Trying to touch her physically at this time will just confirm this fear that was brewing that you are only interested in her body.
What you need to do is repair the feeling of connection and that you genuinely care about HER. So basically do something sweet and thoughtful that shows you know her and are thinking of her. Does she have a favorite food? Surprise her with it. What did you two do when you were close? You need to try to get her laughing and feeling safe again. Leave sweet thinking of you notes on her car. Basically, she needs to see, via your actions, that her fears are unfounded. So basically just take a little time to turn the answers to her questions around. She's depressed because the question in her mind says - Is he gone? Show her no, your not gone. Does he not care about me anymore? Yes he does care about me. Is he only hanging out with me for sex? No you really enjoy her company without sex. Do that and she will bounce back quicker than you think.
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