A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Have been married 18 yrs and 3 kids 17, 15, 11, last few years Ive been unhappy. I finnaly told husband I wasnt happy and I dont have the same feelings for him. Now he is trying to change over night and do things he has never done, do dished, clean, cook, drive the kids to activities, say he loves me, and wants to go to councelling, Problem is I feel its too late and I just want out, he suffers from axiety and has OCD so this is really hard on him, I care about him and feel very bad. I just turned 40 and cant see going on with him and I feel Id be much happyier without him. He is sleeping in the other room and trying to give me some space but its driving me crazy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Enzian  +, writes (28 September 2007):
 I very much agree with elitzabeth, penta and rcn! Think well about what you do. I'm sure you would not ask this question here, if you would be sure about leaving your husband would be the right thing to do.
To the very good answers of elitzabeth, penta and rcn, I would like to add an explanation of love and its different aspects:
- Falling in love just happens to you. You can't really control it yourself. It is like being on drugs. The hormones in your body tell you what to do and are reigning your feelings. It's a chemical reaction or emotional response. This is fun and can create amazing feelings! You can compare it with being drunk. The alcohol in your body makes you happy and you can forget your problems. So when you fall in love you are infatuated in that person. Your can forget all around you and your feelings and cogitations are with this person. You are just happy and don't see any problems.
- Real, deep, solid love is different. It is the decision to want the best for someone and to make this person happy. The feelings are different to the feelings of falling in love, and you don't always feel anything. But the cheerful feelings will come back again. This is not always the case with the feelings of falling in love. This feelings you will only have a few month or maybe a year or two. The disappear and they will not come back in the same form.
If you decide to love the other person, you put this person on the first place in your life. This definition of real, deep, solid love I've learnt form the Christendom and it doesn't agree with the modern view of love. (To get a good definition of love, I would recommend to read 1 Corinthians 13.) Today to love an other person means that oneself wants to rejoice. You expect him or her to be accountable for you for everything. The other person has to do everything to make you happy and fill every hole and gap in you. But nobody is able to do this and nobody is perfect and we can not expect them to be! But if we do and if this is our definition of love, no wonder, there are so many divorces. 2000 years ago they already knew that this concept of love doesn't work, why should it today???
It may sonds hard, but what you write sounds to me like you are sitting there passively and waiting for him to make you happy. There is a very good answer of an anonymous female reader about that. But because you waited to long and never told him about your feelings you have resign. It now will cost you a lot to get up from your throne of passiveness and work on your marriage, but I'm very sure that if you are willing to work on it, it will be pay off. I very much believe that it will be worth it!
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (27 September 2007):
 "i don't think nothing will fix that" of course not. One thing about how we are as people is we ALWAYS believe what we tell ourselves first. If you keep telling yourself the negative, you'll keep living the negative.
I do believe it too when Dr. Phil says you have to earn your way out of the marriage. There are also people on many sides of this same situation. People who left, and are happy. People who left and regret leaving. People who honestly tried, but the other person didn't so it their efforts didn't work. And people who were committed, tried, and now can't believe they ever thought about leaving. I also believe from that there are three types of people in this world. Those who watch things happen, Those who make things happen, and Those who wonder what happened.
When someone has a low self esteem, can that be changed? Can by changing a routine and what we do, or how we view our lives change our internal feelings and behaviors? Of course and its the same with marriage. I'm not going to promise an overnight sensation with change. It took you a while to get to feeling the way you do. The problem is you didn't take action with the subtle changes in your marriage, and just adjusted to them. We become comfortable with who we are, and who we're with, and comfort can kill a relationship.
I just worked with a couple where the wife was ready to leave. Her idea of sex was, I'll lay here, hurry up with your 2 minutes (if that), because I have other things to do. She was ready to leave as well. He works a lot, and got too caught up in daily things to focus much time on his marriage. I simply had them plan 2 hours a week just for their marriage, and to enjoy one another. They tried it, and just by adding that small amount of time, they have never been as happy as they are now. That was a small change, not much commitment, but a 2 hour difference between staying together and divorce.
I know you're probably thinking I am 100% against divorce. I'm not, I'm divorced myself, but how many times with her cheating should I give her another chance. I did 7 times catching her. Turned out in 3 years over 25 times. Oh I guess I'd better mention, 1 time per man. I think that was a good enough reason for divorce. There was no way I'd be able to change her behavior. Her psychologist wrote it off as sexual addiction. She said If I would have given it to her more. I said if you'd believe in 4 play instead of coming home from the bar, I'm off in lala land sleeping and you jumping on me like I'm suppose to be prepared and ready. And just to show you how behaviors work. After our divorce, she came by after work and wanted me to take a nap with her. I said if I get tired. I went in my room, she was laying on the bed naked sleeping, I quietly closed the door and actually thought my lunch was going to come back up. I'm not gay, I'm extremely attracted to women, clothed or not, this was the first time I felt sick seeing a naked women.
I'm not going to try to tell you what you'd have to do to turn this around. I can tell you, after reading your story, that it can be done. There are many books out there on this subject. I've read a large number of them. I decided, if I were to get into a relationship again, I wanted to know what I needed to change to better assure the quality I provide the person I am with. I do recommend Dr. Phil, relationship rescue. This book really puts relationships into perspective, and for those who all ready have a good relationship, I still recommend it. I will take a good one and create a great one.
Take care, and I wish you the best of luck with whatever your decision may be.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (27 September 2007):
 You said: "good advise, but what if over the last couple years I dont enjoy being with him, would prefer him to come home late from work and generally dont enjoy his company"
Did you ever tell him this? Did you ever give him a chance to change? Or did you hold everything inside until it was too late? Did you expect him to read your mind? You're partially responsible for the situation you're in. And you'll do it to the next relationship you have if you don't work on it.
You said: "I care about him but cant say I love him, I believe I have fallen out of love with him, I dont think nothing will fix that."
The following is also from http://www.MortFertel.com/ (Marriage Fitness courses, which I recommend HIGHLY):
"Falling in love is easy. It's a passive, spontaneous experience. ... SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't 'find' LASTING love. You have to 'make' it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression 'the labor of love.' ... Because it takes time, effort, and energy."
I don't think it's too late, if you're willing to do the work (which won't go to waste even if you leave him next year).
Even Dr. Phil says you have to earn your way out of a marriage (especially when there are children). I agree that you're miserable, but you need to stop being passive and try. Or your next relationship will suffer too.
So I have a question: did you want advice from us, or did you just want permission to leave?
My advice is I think you should actually work on it for a year; he does want to try after all. After that, you've done your best and you've done the work to make sure you don't make the same mistakes. But then I'm not in your shoes.
If you just wanted permission to leave, you're a big girl. Do what you think in your heart is right.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (27 September 2007):
 This is an all-too familiar position you are in. I know exactly what you are going through! I married at the age of 19 and my husband has always been good to me, but something has always been missing. He's very introverted, I am very outgoing. I wanted kids, he didn't. Four years into our happy marriage, I hit a brick wall. I was extremely bored and began to question why I was with him. I remained in the marriage because I was afraid to be alone, afraid of disappointing my family and everyone thought he was the perfect man. Indeed he was perfect in many ways. He was kind, sweet, romantic but as the years bumped into each other, I found myself increasingly bored with him. I finally realized sexual chemistry had been missing since day one. I had married someone "safe". I felt comfortable with him, plus he was good to me, but he didn't turn me on sexually. I made plenty of excuses over the years, hormones, mid-life crisis, lack of kids, his introverted nature (lack of intimacy between us) my job was too stressful, the list went on and on. I finally woke up one day and realized I couldn't spend the next 15 years exactly as I had the last. I moved out and am in the process of thinking about a divorce. I know I have fallen out of love with him and no amount of counseling was able to fix it because you have to "want" the marriage to work out, in order for the counseling to be effective. My husband was willing to open up and stop being so closed off emotionally but it was literally too late for that. I still have no idea if I am making the right move or not and I still worry that I will wake up a few years from now and realize I should've stayed with him. But just like you, I simply didn't enjoy spending time with him. When I'd get off work, I'd feel sadness at the sight of his truck in the driveway. I so wanted him to be working late or away on business, which he never did anymore. To this day, he is still completely devastated by our separation and is trying desperately to figure out how to fix the problem, but I keep telling him -- it's me, not him. I'm the problem. I simply want out. I want the chance to find someone who turns me on, and excites me and I know it will never be him. I stayed only out of fear and guilt all these years and there just comes a point when you can't do that anymore. I recently found a website that blew my mind - I hope you'll have a chance to check it out: www.womensinfidelity.com -- even if you've never had an affair, you will find useful information about what's happening to women in their 40's who have been married for a number of years. Have we become the new cliche? Please feel free to e-mail me if you want to. I wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (27 September 2007):
 Spelling alert in my post....First paragraph should read..."many things begin to influence"
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (27 September 2007):
First of all, I'd like to say that advice telling you that it is all about you and your feelings is very narrow minded. You are very important but not the only person in the equation. Often we get caught up in ourselves and make poor choices. Many things influence to begin a train of thought that ends up being destructive to our lives and those around us. Something sets us off, we get into a funk and the bottom drops out.
Life is not always about you...or me..etc. Life is about the umbrella of events that make us who we are. To say your husband has driven you to this is possibly part of the problem. His mental issues could be taxing. On the other hand you have to take responsibility for your part as well. To run away from your marriage saying it's all about you is bad advice. People who have never been married do not understand what 18 years with a person is worth. Your marriage might be over but it might still be salvageable. 18 years has a value that is tangible and substantial. At the same time it needs to be refreshed.
Much depends on the state of the marriage. Is there any light at the end of the tunnel? If this is the first he's hearing of this then it is unfair to him. He's been in a battle for his marriage for a few years and he didn't even know it. Little habits he has begin to bother you, the way he brushes his teeth, the clothes he wears etc. Meanwhile, without him even knowing, your feelings of love have been deteriorating.
How much does the OCD and anxiety play into this? Do you have your eyes on another man? Have you cheated emotionally or physically? All of these things will lessen your chances of really trying to make an effort to keep the marriage alive.
What are you hoping to find with your next lover? How long will it last? What about your kids? What are the particular issues that lead you to feel this way?
When we choose to be married, we hope it's for ever. There are no guarantees but we're supposed to try. Did you try? Have sought help? By yourself? As a couple?
Don't let anyone who doesn't know you and your husband tell you it's over and to run away.
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A
female
reader, leanne.od +, writes (27 September 2007):
 you need to put yourself first and you shouldn't have to push your husband into helping you and prclaiming his love, a marriage is based on equality amoung other things and he has taken you for granted and drove you to this.
i used to have an OCD and anxiety but you can't stay for his sake, nor your children, although they probably perfer a conventional family, i grew up without a mum or dad and i'm doing just fine, kids are resiliant and can bounce back, they are old enough to realise that it's unfair for someone, anyone, to stay in a marriage they aren't happy in for the sake of others.
you shouldn't feel guilty and you need to do what's right for you. you're husband won't change, he'll keep it up until he's satisfied that things are okay again, and then he will revert to his old ways.
do what you nede to do and move on with your life, the way you want too.
best of luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007):
Sounds like he is too good for you which you will realize three or four years from now when you have been abused by a series of guys.
You need to get into some therapy session by yourself to understand the basis for your own thinking. This idea that popped into your head that you'd be much happier without him seems to be without basis. You need to at least talk it through with a disinterested party and see if their is any rationale for that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiongood advise, but what if over the last couple years I dont enjoy being with him, would prefer him to come home late from work and generally dont enjoy his company, I care about him but cant say I love him, I believe I have fallen out of love with him, I dont think nothing will fix that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2007): One thing to keep in mind is that a man's mind works differently from a woman's. It is so often the case that a man is genuinely surprised to hear his wife isn't happy -- when he thought everything was going along nicely. It seems inconceivable that he could think that.. you think "how could he NOT have known I was so unhappy? It was so obvious!" But, it happens - and often. It's almost like they float along until they're told "I'm not happy", just assuming that if nothing is said, it's all ok.
The fact he is making efforts to change, albeit all in one go and "overnight" shows that he wants to make you happy. They key is you - you letting him know how.
Very often women will take things onboard and just do everything because it's easier that way - the cleaning, cooking, chores, errands. The problem doing that is that you build up a resentment that diminishes your good feelings towards the person you're doing that all for.
Make the investment, as per the other posts - make a change that includes him in your pursuit of happiness. Make a chore list that he is to stick to; give him instructions on how to romance you again - it may seem unromantic & rehearsed to begin with, but over time, it'll become more natural. Examples include letting him know to take you out for dinner once a fortnight, to dress up and take care of his appearance, to take you on an exciting date every fortnight, buying you flowers for no reason once a week, giving you a massage for no reason, cooking dinner for you every 2nd or 3rd night (or just on weekends if that's more viable)... and make sure that it's done with a regularity and a time-frame involved (e.g. once a fortnight / once a week / once a month).
Once you've got him trained to do this, you'll find he'll start doing things off his own back that aren't even included on your original list - next thing you know, your feelings toward him start to become positive and your marriage has a chance again.
But, again, the key is you -- don't allow him to settle into a comfort zone that excludes you. Get in there and give him the keys to your happiness!!
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (27 September 2007):
You're feelings are normal. Let me ask you this. Why did you marry your husband? What qualities did he have that attracted you to him, what kind of activities did you enjoy, or have you forgotten? How do you feel about marriage, in general? Is it something you see as an important commitment, or one that can just be bailed on at any time.
I know calling it quits is an easy fix, but (agreeing with the other poster) it's permanent. There is no more chances if you bail.
Now how do your children feel about this? Have you told them, your considering changing life as they know it. Divorce is hard on both young children and older children. Would they understand your decision, and why you made it? Or would it be like quite a few children, they pretend they understand, or they assume they do, then they end up joining you for counseling. It gets harder as they get older. I have worked with so many children from divorced homes, I can't even count the numbers I have seen. They don't come from abusive environments, but I have assisted their parents in dealing with childhood anxiety, divorce parent syndrome, and in some incidents, PTST (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
I have a strong belief in the commitment of marriage. I really believe this attorney I hear once state: when parents get divorced, they don't need an attorney, they need a counselor for the issues they chose to place on their children.
Could your marriage be saved? I think so. I wouldn't be giving you this information, if I didn't believe it. Trust me though, it's not just the husband who needs work in changing. It sounds like you were teaching him for a long time that his negative behaviors were accepted by you. I will say, if you choose to work on this, you'll need to forgive all past behavior, and make it a non-issue in your marriage. If you're going to start "fresh" bringing the past with you is not going to help, but hurt the outcome.
I wish you the best, take care.
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A
female
reader, penta +, writes (27 September 2007):
This is from http://www.MortFertel.com/ [Mariage tele boot camp]:
You can always call it quits. You always have that option. But once you pull that trigger, it's over. No more chances.
Your life will never be the same. Your kids' lives will never be the same.
If you end your marriage, you don't want there to be a shred of doubt in your mind. You don't ever want to look back and wonder if things could have been different. You don't want to ask yourself, "What if this...and what if that...what if I tried this...what if I did that?"
If you have to end your marriage, you want to know DEEP IN YOUR HEART that you did everything you could to make it work.
If you have to end it, you want to be able to move on with your life and into another relationship with a clear head. You want to come to a place of healthy "closure." THIS IS CRUCIAL! And to accomplish this, in my experience, it
takes at least one year. I know it probably seems like a long time, but it's an investment in the rest of your life.
Here's the key point. Listen carefully. It's a good investment for the rest of your life WHETHER YOUR MARRIAGE SUCCEEDS OR NOT.
Obviously, it's a good investment if you turn your marriage around. But if you don't, it will NOT have been a wasted year. It will have been the most important thing you could have done with that year because of how your effort will impact the rest of your life AND (if it comes to this)
YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP.
I have seen too many cases of spouses ending their marriage prematurely, and as result of not reaching "closure" in one relationship, they find themselves in the same situation a few years later with someone else.
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A
female
reader, elitzabeth +, writes (27 September 2007):
 I believe that is never too late for anything in this life but death. As long as you have the desire and the drive to do something it is never late. However, it seems to me that you are a little tired and overwhelme about the his condition since you have always had to do everything in the house and take care of the kids and him.
I think you should give him a chance. He is trying hard. Why don't you get a deep breath, relax, and enjoy yourself while he is taking over. Think about something that you've always wanted to do and do it. I don't know: yoga classes, reading, swiming, whatever. Then, you'll start feeling happier and relax. About, your relationship, you've been together for 17 years, that is a long time. Think about the time when you two met and what was the porpose of your relationship.
good luck
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