A
male
age
30-35,
*ergiepunk
writes:Well as I post this I just suffered a terrible night. Tonight my ex (who I care about more than anyone) told me how she slept with a guy we were talking to today for a one night stand, and she told me that I mean everything to her and am her best friend yet she can't stand touching me. We were a couple in the past but never gone that far even though she knew I loved her. She has stated she never will. I can't stand this, she clearly doesn't care that much about me if she won't even give me a try yet she will have one night stands with guys who have girlfriends. Because of this I can't believe in God now, or in a true happiness.
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female
reader, Lilli b +, writes (22 September 2007):
 I am sorry to hear you had a terrible night. Little or no sleep will not help how you feel.
This girl is your ex and is therefore free to have new relationships and even one night stands if she wishes. What is not clear is why she feels she must share this with you. It seems cruel and unnecessary but it is possible she shares information like this to make a point. Do you continue to tell her how you feel, that you would like to get back together and still love her? If you do, it is possible that she is making it clear in the only way she knows that this will not happen.
From what you say, it sounds like you never had a physical relationship with this girl and that she has stated you never will. I'm afraid this sounds like she doesn't experience the chemistry that we all need to move friendship into something more.
You need to accept that this relationship can never be more than friendship but you also need to decide whether it is too painful right now to be friends with a woman who you love in a different way. Many people say it is better to stay friends or be friends with your ex's and that is quite true but it's not easy and I think that it can only work when you are BOTH over the relationship and ready to move on, otherwise you will always feel pain when she meets other people and starts new relationships.
You can say to your ex, please don't tell me about your one-night stands or new relationships as it hurts too much and then continue your friendship but I think it would be more healthy for you if you can 'take a break' from your friendship.
I suggest you say to your ex, I would like to remain friends with you but at this time it is too painful so would like to not see you for a bit - I think you need to put a time scale on this - a month, perhaps. It may feel difficult but I promise you it will be worth it. Then spend time with other people, pursue your interests and even though you may still feel something for your ex, you will be too busy to dwell too much. Before you know it you will start to find you miss her less and other girl's will start to look interesting.
If you take a break from seeing your ex and start to live your life to the full without her you will get to a point where you can remember her affectionately and be comfortable about being in her company in the future where her other relationships will not cause you pain.
At the moment I don't think your ex really respects you; she obviously enjoys your company and relies on your friendship but then shares information with you that is painful for you. I suspect that if you withdrew from her company she would miss you and question her feelings for you. If you remain in her company she has the best of all worlds, a man who loves her unconditionally who she can talk to and the freedom to sleep with other men. Whilst she may never come back to you if you take a break from the friendship she certainly won't while you stay around and allow her to treat you like this.
While you remain locked in the frame of mind that she is the only girl for you and that you care about her more than anyone, you won't be free to meet someone new. So start to re-frame this. Start to think of this girl as a person who has shown you that you have the capacity to love and that soon you can meet someone who deserves to benefit from your love.
What you need to take from this is the comfoting knowledge that you are someone who is able to love and care deeply for another which is a wonderful and sadly all too rare quality. Don't let this ex - who is happy to be hurtful towards you and potentially the girfriends of the men she has one night stands with - make you lose your faith.
Walk away with your faith and knowledge that you are worth so much more
Good luck
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (22 September 2007):
 First, please give a bit more information. I understand your pain, I've been through similar trials in my life. How long were you together for? What was the relationship you had with her like? How did you go from being a couple to not being a couple?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): Well you are right. She doesn't care about you if she slept with some other guy instead of you. That is a lesson I learned a long time ago. It's that whatever your bf or gf won't do for you or with you, they will always end up doing it with or for somebody else. ALWAYS. That is why it is so important to get the most of what you want out of every relationship. Maybe this sounds kind of self serving but it is the truth. Whenever I am with a guy and they are not capable of offering certain things that are well within their means or their capabilities I always get suspicious and I usually bail because I know that whatever they don't do for me they will end up doing for someone else. And I do not want to be that girl who stuck around for nothing while some other girl gets everything. No way.
Same thing that happened to you happened to me once but a different situation. And it just killed me. I was so hurt and felt so stupid. I realised then that I never wanted to let that happen again. That I would never again be so stupid. To let things slide or accept things and behaviors under the pretext that "oh give me time" or whatever. When someone truly loves you I think that they should be willing to do as much as they can to make you happy and to show you they love you. And the second I hear excuses I bail. Because I have been where you are and I never want to feel that way again. But I am glad I went through that because it made me a stronger wiser person. And I am glad for that.
So take this as a lesson. From now on, get the most out of every relationship. Don't be scared of being choosy and getting what you want. Because as you see, when you don't, you feel like the fool. Like you are not worthy. But you are. So just get over her. She is a bitch. ok? She really is. But now you know for next time. For now, just be strong, take it like a man and forget her and use this as a tool for you to be stronger and much much wiser next time. You'll be fine.
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A
female
reader, beautifultrustnlover +, writes (22 September 2007):
 that has to be terrible but i say this plain
she has no feelings for you and she just wants to be friends theres nothing you can do about that but go out and find some one that will love you back
you deserve to be happy and if you feel as you cant accept your best friend/ex sleeping with other guys or being with them as you want her as your own, i think you should just stop so much contact and breath out of that friendship and find a sweet girl that will make you feel 10 times better
good luck sweetie
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2007): "She can't stand touching me." What super put down. Dump her a** as soon as you can. You failed to say how long she was using you but I say dumper as soon as you can. To break up she is using the most powerful words she can. Teell he to take her stuff befor the roach sprayer arrives.
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A
male
reader, Happyorsad +, writes (22 September 2007):
I know what u have to do but it's not going to be easy just because u care so much.- Move on but don't forget.
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