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This guy keeps flirting with my girlfriend because he likes her. And I want him to leave her alone but she doesn't have the heart to tell him. What should I do?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 January 2007) 23 Answers - (Newest, 15 July 2013)
A male Canada age 26-29, anonymous writes:

This guy likes my girlfriend and always tells her that he likes her, and that i don't deserve her, that he wants to be with her and all that stuff. My girlfriend is 100% loyal and im with her 90% of the day and the other 10% we're on the phone with eachother, so I know there's nothing going on between them behind my back. He's become a good friend to my girlfriend so my she doesn't have the heart to tell him off like i would like her to, so i guess i kind of understand. But its become pretty obvious that he avoids me because he knows that i want to grab him by the neck for doing what he does. I'm not a violent guy and all i really want to do is talk to him man to man but my girlfriend doesn't want me to do anything and just ignore him because what matters is that shes with me and not him. But i dont feel right just sitting back knowing that everyday behind my back he hits on my girlfriend. What should i do?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2013):

My question about this issue is... What the hell is wrong with all these women, who befriend these jerks and then claim they aren't doing anything wrong. Women of all ages seem to do this. I don' have any jerks, male or female in my life. Its easy to get rid of a jerk. When they get around you, you walk away... you don't stand there like a helpless victim and engage them in conversation... end of story. But, way too many females are playing games, not only with themselves, but everyone around them. If someone is a jerk, then you shouldn't care about hurting their feelings... they are certainly not worried about hurting yours or your boyfriend's if they know you're involved. If someone is being a jerk about dating, then they are probably going to be a jerk in other areas of life as well. LADIES... GET RID OF THESE IDIOTS ASAP... don't be a victim... and stand up for your relationship with your guy... otherwise YOU are not respecting your man or your relationship, either.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2011):

dude im having the same problem!! this guy named preston keeps tickling her and hhe flirts with her

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2011):

Put a restraining order on him to leave your girlfriend alone.

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A male reader, popcornmaker United States +, writes (29 January 2011):

if it gets too bad, confront him about it, weather your girl wants you to or not, you need to let this guy know you mean buissness, you need to let him know you would do anything for this girl. your gf will get mad... but if she truly loved you she wouldn't care... trust me, im going through the same right now with my fiance.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010):

"He's become a good friend to my girlfriend so she doesn't have the heart to tell him off like i would like her to, so i guess i kind of understand."

Dude?? You allowed these two to become close. You're responsible for that, as a man. Anyway, she may or may not know this, but she's disrespecting you bigtime. And that sucks. She's basically saying your relationship is not important enough to her to break off her "friendship" for. That's disrepect.

You can fix this tho. Very simply. What you need to say is simple (may not be easy but its simple).

Man up and say "I cant tolerate your friendship. Its not friendship, its courtship (for him). If you cant/ wont break it off,... I'll leave till you decide who you want to be with... I'm out.." Then walk out... Leave....

She'll be back in a week at most. Let her look for you. Dont look for her. No matter how long it may seem to take (it'll feel like forever buddy, you will want to call her. DONT). When she does get hold of u, she'll be begging you back. If she doesnt, she a *&!@#%$#@#$%$#@#$*!! who doesnt realise how great and understanding (you are understanding, I can tell) a guy you are.

Listen to the letter. You'll thank me :-)

PS: the irony of this is, the more you tolerate this jerk, the less her respect for you becomes. Give her a chance to choose who she wants... She'll choose you :-)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2010):

@cd206 - I have a girl and I think it's absolutely my business to find out if a guy is consistently hitting on my girlfriend or not, just as it's her business if a girl is constantly hitting on me. I respect her space and vice versa but if someone is trying to interfere with our relationship then I think it's totally appropriate to take action after the guy has (obviously) crossed the line.

To the creator of said topic, talk to the guy calmly and rationally, and if that doesn't work out, well, fuck his day up. I know it'd piss me off if a dude kept hitting on my girl and wouldn't stop. Sounds like a real douchebag if you ask me.

As a guy who gets hit on by a decent amount of women (due to my job) I don't find it hard to reject a lady, even if she is considered a friend. I may like the attention or find it hard to resist the temptation of a number, but I remember that I'm loyal and hers exclusively (for now at least) and that I'm with her for a reason. She shouldn't have a problem rejecting him either if she truly cares for the relationship. Just my two cents.

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A male reader, 22young United States +, writes (7 December 2010):

Ay bruh, I wish I could find an even better way to tell you that this is the sweetest recipe for a heartache if you're looking for one. That is, if you're going to stay with her. if you "love" her, you'll probably try to ignore it and weather the storm with this female. I advise you and any other young readers that IF YOUR CHICK DOES ANYTHING SIMILAR TO WHAT HAS BEEN SAID IN THIS GUY'S POST, YOUR GIRL IS CHEATING ON YOU, OR IS PLANNING ON IT. The fact that she's actually willing to flirt with the thought of somebody else consuming her attention/AFFECTION is a crazy sign in itself. Even if she "tells you the truth" about what HE says, normally she will not tell you that she responds to the #2 guy with an "lol smiley-face,"text message, or her classic flirty eye that you remember getting back in the day. This chick obviously wants to have the best of both worlds. There's so much more I'd like to say about that topic, but after this message I hope you can find yourself one step closer to leaving that devilish woman for a better one. Dump that sleezy (unt dog!

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A male reader, the man22 Antigua and Barbuda +, writes (30 June 2010):

That happens to me too, today my girlfriend( highschool sweet heart) the girl I love said goodbye to a friend. When she came back she said " OMG he did something" he kissed her, they met for 5 min, I am in 7th grade, so its a big deal. I would like to beat him up, but he avoids me

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2010):

I have EXACTLY the same problem bro. At school I saw him flirting heavily with her so I got mad at my girlfriend for not stopping it. I'm an extremely jealous person so it started a huge fight between us. It's not worth it I promise.

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A male reader, sonnyboymonte United States +, writes (13 March 2010):

omg dude 2day i was at the mall with my girlfriend and i hung out with my friends when her and her friends were shopping and i came back and these guys were following them and kept telling them wassup so me and my 3 friends were dogging them outside the mall and they starting talking shit i didnt say anything though should have said something and faught him or do nothing write back and it was me and my 3 friends against 7

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2010):

Dude i have the same problem if your gf doesnt want to tell him to mean then u should say that YOU are her boyfriend not this other guy. If any1 needs to tell this guy to back off its your gf.

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A male reader, dbradle United States +, writes (9 January 2009):

How far should you let this dirtbag persue her before he tries to make a move on her? The honest truth is, you have to look at your girl and say to her, im concerned because this guy wants more than what your willing to give him, and he undermines are relationship and lacks respect for us as a couple. He lacks respect for her decision for wanting to be with you ,and he may try to cross the boundaries of just being friends with her. By undermining that, I don't see how she can maintain a friendship like that with this guy, because he only cares about his interests and not your relationship with her as a whole. If she really respects and values the relationship she's in with you, then she needs to tell this guy to get lost because he's not part of the equation, but rather the problem. I understand what your going through, and it sucks, but the most important thing to remember is that she is with you, and she cant help that there are guys going to be attracted to her, so dont be angry at her at any time, just tell her how you feel. Women love it when you show a little jealousy. If all else fails, after sincere attempts to lose this guy, just wait until your girlfriend gets sick of his attempts, and then kick his ass. At least this way you will have her on your side, and she will love you even more for defending her honor and your relationship with her.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2008):

im going through the same thign wiht my gf , we got into a fight beucase a guy has been asking her about me and when i am getting deployed to riaq where she lives now n will for the summer and wants to talk to her in class more n rags on me yet she says hes just being friendly

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2007):

If you think he's a guy that you GF would potentially see as an equal to you (on her internal guy-desirability scale), then get concerned. Get very concerned.

If he's much less hot/popular/desirable than you then I would worry less about it. He's probably trying to undermine your relationship either way, but the latter situation will make it less likely to work. That's an "I really love you as a friend" deal for him and he's just putting in work with her for nothing. If she didn't see him as a potential mate at the beginning, then he's just making it even harder for him to get her the better she knows him. He'll figure it out sooner or later.

What are his complaints against you? If you're giving him good ways to attack you then maybe you should change your actions towards your GF.

And no matter what kind of guy he is, be VERY, VERY concerned if you think he's capable of outright lying about you to her. Even if you don't do anything wrong, his words could carry some weight just from him being so close to her.

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A male reader, yonatan Switzerland +, writes (25 September 2007):

yonatan agony auntcool down,he is not a cool..when ever he find out you girl friend loves you very much. he tired of being doing such things,you can't stop him,such as by confront him face to face avoid him from your privet life. the rest is her problem to make him cool down,talk with her about your feeling and how much you do not like such things happen in your privet life give her a clear imagenation that what if this happend to her what did she expect from you,protect your girl friend in a wise way as our time.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2007):

Hiya mate,

The same sort of thing is happening to me, my girlfriend keeps on getting hit on at her work-place. My gut feeling is to walk down there and bust the f*** outta the tosser that's doing it. I say follow the gut feeling my friend, follow the gut feeling...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2007):

what if your girlfriend is good friends and can't ignore this guy, but he still annoys the heck out of you by not backing off, and she cant tell him off b/c she wants a friendship, but i know he still wants her

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A female reader, vina_101 United Kingdom +, writes (17 January 2007):

vina_101 agony auntWhy is she asking him to leave her alone? She should tell him. If I were her I'd blank him, ignore him, not talk to him, avoid him and talk about you non-stop when he tries to talk to me. There are so many ways to do this. Are you really telling me she's tried all of those and it hasn't worked? For example he says to her "Hi how are you?" She says "I'm fine thanks I'm jsut about to go see MY BOYFRIEND. Because MY BOYFRIEND wants to see me later on today." y'know stuff like that. I'm pretty sure he'll get the picture. Or she could simply just ignore him. If you ignore someone for long enough they eventually leave you alone.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for all of your tips and opinions. But the thing is my girlfriend has already tried tell him to back off and to just be her friend but he gets defensive and tell her that hes not doing anything wrong. Shes tried it so many times to the point where she doesnt want to ask him again and that we can't do anything about it. I just don't like the fact that hes actually getting away with this as if he is the one thats right.

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A female reader, AngelofLove United Kingdom +, writes (17 January 2007):

AngelofLove agony auntIt is up to your girlfriend to tell him to back off.

He cannot respect her that much if he keeps hitting on her. She need to put a stop to it, even though it may hurt his feelings. He is aware of you and he may have his hopes up as nobody told him to stop.

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A female reader, cd206 United Kingdom +, writes (17 January 2007):

cd206 agony auntI think your girlfriend is right. You're the winner in this situation. No matter what happens your girl is with you because she loves you, not him. Yes, what he's saying is out of line but it's for your girlfriend to tell him that and if she refuses then that's her decision to make. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it's not really any of your business. If it really bothers you ask your girlfriend not to tell you the things he's saying cos you find it upsetting but I think that's as much as you can do.

CD

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A female reader, vina_101 United Kingdom +, writes (17 January 2007):

vina_101 agony auntYeah I think you should go and talk to him man to man. Let him know that you are her man and he has no chance. Don't be violent or anything just be calm and sensible and make him understand that he needs to stay away. Also tell your girlfriend that you are not happy with the situation and that you would like it if she could discourage this guy from hitting on her. She should no longer spare his feelings because he has overstepped the mark. He knows that she is with you and yet he's still trying it. That's straight up disrespect. So ask your girlfriend to make it clear to him that she is not interested. There are many ways she can do this, trust me I know. I feel your frustration here, something has to be done.

Good luck with it all.

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A female reader, kim6906 United Kingdom +, writes (17 January 2007):

its like you say she is with you not him. i have found that if a guy starts acting really jealous of someone then its more likely you and your girlfriend will start arguing about loyalty issues. the best thing to do is talk to yor girlfriend make it clear you feel very uncomfortable about this and let her deal with it. if you trust her then there should not be a problem if yo feel there is something more to this friendship then think hard about it and confront her.

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