A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Should I do it? Here's the background: I'm a married man, 40 years old, with 2 kids. Had an affair with a 52 year old woman. Fell in love. We broke it off because the wife was getting suspicious and the other woman was very concerned about being a "homewrecker", so she ducked out gracefully. She's also married (for 20 years) and very unhappy. Our affair lasted a year. We stayed apart for 8 months, but it didn't work. We've been communicating by email and phone and still love each other. We made each other very happy, and it's been torture trying to be just friends. All of our conversations turn romantic. She gets upset when she senses I'm working things out with my wife, even though she emphasizes that her and I can't ever be together and my place is at home with my children. I'm not in love with my wife. We've been married for 8 years, I don't think I was ever in love with her, but I do love my kids, who are 4 and 5. As I said, the old affair has since become an attempt at "friendship". However, the talk always turns romantic. I became frustrated the other day over the roller coaster ride, and told her that if she really wants me, then she needs to say so, that it's important, and that we would deal with the fallout together and try to arrive at a solution that was as fair as possible for everyone. I expected her to lecture me about my kids again, but was shocked to hear her say that facing the possibility of letting me go completely was not an option, and that she did indeed want to be with me and leave her husband to start off on a new path. I've never been so nervous, excited, and terrified at what the future holds. My marriage has always been empty, but it's routine and stable. I get sad looking at my kids and wondering how this will affect them. I have no idea if I'll be able to go through with it, but both women have clear expectations of me now. I should also mention that my wife and I have been in counseling for 6 months now with no real progress made. So......Should I do it?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): Glad u made the so called sensible choice .But u are not doing your wife and yourself any favours by choosing her as the second best. If u are truly not totally committed then get out of the marriage. Now!!The marital counselling is not working bec there are 3 people in your marriage. How 'blind' are u to this fact. You have not been truly committed to your wife so instead thinking u have made a great sacrifice for her, u know where the door is....Let's look at this older cradle snatcher:She is 16 years older than you. She has latched on to a younger man at the expense of her marriage (which by the way you helped destroy)If she can cheat on her hb, what is stopping her from doing the same to you.Why have a 'mutton dressed like lamb" in this situation, when your wife is younger and Faithful?You are deluding yourself by thinking u can be just 'friends' with the much married gran. Seems like she is the 'strong' one with you the weak lover at her beck and call?Your wife is very fragile right now. Your unfaithfulness is still very raw, if u have decided to stay, then u need to give it your all. Your wife deserves this and so do u.And the kids: do not insult them by thinking that u are sacrificing your so called mature love for themYou need a different attitude and new vigor to be in this marriage. Do not short change anyone and stop compromising.If u cannot give 200% then u are wasting everyones time.Whatever the Gran does well she is an adult, whether he leaves her hb or not, is none of your business. Cut all contact with her and see your life transform for the better.LoveGirl.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): Don't stay with your wife just for the sake of your kids. Stay with her only if you truly intend and feel good about having a healthy relationship with her. If you are truly unhappy in your marriage, you need to leave. It is called having the guts to be honest and call out the B.S and take corrective measures rather than pretending that everything is fine when it's not.
Staying miserably married for the sake of the kids is not noble. It messes them up when they grow up and form adult relationships of their own. It teaches them that keeping up appearances of a marriage is the most important thing, not the actual quality of the marriage.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (1 December 2010):
 Stay married because you LOVE your wife...not because you think staying will benefit the children. Trust me it doesn't, I should know. Ultimately, you're going to make your own decision just beware every action has a consequence, this one will have a major snowball effect.
Read this link.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/stay-together-for-the-kids.html
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone for even taking the time to read about my situation, let alone the time it took to craft such thoughtful responses. I knew I was in for a rough reception on this one and posted the question because I needed to hear the answers. I'm completely aware that I'm not thinking straight over this and knew that you folks would be objective about it. I've made the decision that you all hoped I would. I'm sticking it out. My wife has been aware of the affair since it ended back in April, and still wants to stick it out with me- even still claims to love me. My feelings for her might be less than she deserves, but maybe I can find my way somehow for the sake of my kids. The other woman is going through with her separation and I'm pretty sure she'd be doing it regardless of what I did. I haven't told her yet that I'm staying, that will be the next hurdle. Thanks again to everyone for re-injecting the common sense that temporarily escaped me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): If you had never met the other woman, would you even be contemplating leaving your wife?
If the answer is yes, then this means your marriage was always bad, is still not improving, and thus is a sound reason to leave. If the marriage is truly bad, then it is probably also in your wife's interest further down the road to not be married to you any longer either. (rarely can one spouse be completely miserable in the marriage while the other is perfectly happy)
If the answer is no, then this means you would have been fine staying with your wife until and unless someone better came along. This is blatantly unfair to your wife because she is not out looking for a better replacement for you, the way you are doing to her. It is also shaky ground on which to start a new relationship.
whatever the outcome you will have to work out how to do it honestly and with integrity so as to put your kids' interests first. (staying married to their mother is not in and of itself in the kids' best interests because it just depends so much on your personal situation at home)
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A
female
reader, pixiegirls +, writes (30 November 2010):
 Recognize to start with that an affair always seems so much easier, exciting, and full of promise. The responsibilities of day to day life are never really much of an issue, so you do focus on the “relationship” aspect, and start to think that is what you want. There are a number of things you need to seriously consider realistically, and think long about. Considering the age difference and age of your children, will a woman who has become bored of her marriage, possibly since her own children are grown and on their own, want to go back and raise a 4 and 5 year old, even on a part time basis? Chances are slim. You state that she wants to leave her husband to start a new life with “you”, but you did not mention your children or wanting to start a new life or family. The affect upon your young children knowing as they grow older that you left them, and their mother, may look selfish on both the parts of you and the other woman. The financial consequence could be astronomical, as well as the loss of being involved in watching your children grow. Boredom is a major reason that affairs begin, and many times people may get caught up in the fantasy of the affair and sees it as a way out of their boredom. You never state that you are in love with the woman you had the affair with, nor that she was in love with you.
You also cannot truly expect your marriage counseling to make much progress when you are not being truthful to begin with while in therapy. This is not only unfair to your wife, but to you as well. To give counseling, and your marriage a fair shot to start off with, you need to be upfront and honest with yourself, and not have another woman actively a part of your life either physically or emotionally. While you are still involved in these conversations and discussing leaving your marriage, there would be no reason to expect any progress to be made. You can only take the blame of therapy failing upon yourself. It may be beneficial to meet with your marriage counselor by yourself to help give you a better perspective before making any major decisions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): Once you became a father your priorities should have changed. Your children are very young and you have a non-dischargeable duty to see that their best interests are at the root of every decision you make. Your love life takes a back seat (sorry, it does) to their best interests.
Is it in their best interests that both parents are happy? Why, of course it is... but the way a parent finds happiness can forever contour your children's future. What you do at this precise moment can alter their lives and take them in directions you could never even contemplate. The truth of your abandonment of their mother will come out... What do you think this will do to them and your relationship? How will this very action of yours change their ability to trust, love, respect and commit in relationships of their own? What will your actions.. vis a vis this affair... do to them in the short term and in the long term?
Think.
Do you come first? Is the only route of happiness found in the changing out of partners?
This lover of yours is old enough to be their grandmother. Figure out how this will work for them. Will this woman have the makings for an appropriate stepmother?
You say that your marriage was essentially empty. Then, why (may I ask) did you father two children?
Things like affairs and broken homes are not things that 'just happen'. We make them happen. We can love many people in our lifetime... sometimes love becomes a choice.
You may have the hots for this older woman, but the bottom line is not whether you are entitled to scratch your itch... but whether you scratching your itch is the highest benchmark for you as a father of two very young children.
I remember reading an article... it touched on a study of families broken by divorce. There was the common understanding that kids are generally better off with unhappy parents who choose divorce rather than remaining in a home with unhappily married parents. There was a rather big push for this approach for a quite a number of years...
That was... until they checked in on the children who were the product of divorce... and children who were the product of living in homes where the parents were not 'happy' with one another. They learned from this study... that the kids were better off with the unhappily married parents... hands down.
This is the polar opposite of what everyone tries to pass off as the way to go... Kids raised by parents who decided to remain married as a CHOICE for the best interests of the children... raised happier kids. Kids with less problems. Kids who could form relationships and who married, quite successfully...
The kids from the divorced parents didn't do as well. Their lives were wrought with problems and their ability to enter into and... maintain... lasting relationships was distorted and hampered due to emotional problems.
You can play 'teenager' with the grandmother until the cows come home. Are you entitled to? Are you justified in doing whatever you please? Who told you that YOUR happiness is all that matters?
Your happiness is not all that matters. Perhaps your happiness can come from doing the right thing by your kids. Perhaps your happiness can come from being respectful to their mother. What you do to your wife... you are doing to their mother... NEVER forget that. She's their mother. Act accordingly.
Our society pushes entitlement. We are entitled to 'feel good' no matter what the cost to others.
In your scenario, you are costing another man his wife of 20 years. You are costing your wife her husband. ... and you are costing your children a united family.
All because the two of you couldn't respect your marriage vows and because you both chose to do away with boundaries of legal and moral conduct. Had you both kept your noses clean... none of this would have happened.
Now pull your head out of the quicksand you have it in and stand up as a man and as a father and do the right thing by the children you fathered.
You are not entitled to do as you please.... even if the grandmother cheers you on and the two of you have convinced yourself that you have a right to be happy. We have the right to pursue life, liberty and happiness in our country.... how you find happiness SHOULD fall within what is reasonable and fair... AND it should not impede upon the lives of others. Who is speaking on behalf of your children? Who stands up for what they want? Or, for what is good for them?
It should be you, their father.
Zip up your pants. Tell this woman goodbye. Deal with your marriage and be a good father. Do not run from one bed to another. Serve as an example not as a nemesis.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (30 November 2010):
Ask your wife for a divorce..you don't love her, counseling was a failed attempt. Basically, you're only bound to her by your children. You're children are too young to understand a divorce and it will be better for them in the long run to grow up in 2 separate households rather than one where daddy cheats on mommy. Trust me the longer you drag this out, say when your children are in their teens the more detrimental it is to them. They find out you had an affair, it affects their grades, outlook on marriage, any future relationships, and even resentment towards you. For now, what they don't know won't hurt them. Not that I condone affairs, I honestly think you should tell your wife the real reason for wanting a divorce.
Don't cut your kids off, support and love them. If your wife gets custody of them then you're going to pay double child support for the next 13 years. Hope you have a decent job.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): You're making a big mistake in my estimation. Right now, the love chemicals in your brain...that you've stoked by having an affair with this woman who is 12 years your senior...and married to boot...are clouding the reality of your situation. You're married...and it doesn't sound as if you've given it the old college try. You have two young children. I guess your wife was home tending the children while you were off with your newest flame. What happened to your vows? Ask yourself...do I want to blow up my life, betray the woman I vowed to love in good times and in bad, for someone who is cheating on her husband? Can the two of you trust each other once the glint is off the gingerbread? When your "hot" lover is pushing mid-60s and you're still in your early 50's...and still viewing yourself as happening...will she trust you? Will you trust yourself? Will you trust her? After all, you're both cheaters. Can you live with leaving your kids? Can you live with having another man essentially living with and raising your kids someday? It's so easy to think you will always be walking on that pink cloud...but you won't. It will wear off, and then reality comes crashing in. Ask yourself...can I live with all of this reality? I would recommend that you kill the affair, cease contact with this woman, and go back to seriously working on your marriage. You owe it to your wife and kids.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (30 November 2010):
 Perhaps no progress has been made in your counseling because you're still in contact with the other woman. Your efforts at working on your marriage have been half-hearted at best because your attention has been elsewhere.
You owe it to your kids to give your marriage your best shot. That means dedicating yourself mentally and emotionally to marital counseling and ending all contact with your lover. If after a year there's no improvement in your marriage, you can leave knowing that you did all you could and will be able to look your children in the eyes and truthfully tell them that you tried. Sorry, but you can't cheat your way out of your marriage; you must EARN your way out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): Be humble not selfish. Don't let your bad apple soil the entire batch. Who's your priority to? Your innocent children who love and look up to you or a selfish woman who doesn't mind breaking your childrens hearts by taking you away from them? Ask your children and wife about this.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): The grass is not always greener on the otherside
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): The grass always looks greener. You don't give any legit reason as to why you no longer love your wife. Boring? Routine? That happens in alot of marriages. If it was getting boring and routine why didn't you try to spice it. Marriage is something you have to work at. Any and every marriage.
So you think with this woman it will be different? It is easy to feel like you "were never in love" when you have "fallen" for somebody else. Just basically shifting your attention from one woman to another. It is also easy to feel like you are in love when you don't really know the other woman that well. You don't have any responsibilities to deal with her (kids, mortgage, money etc). She's easy, stress free. For now...
Look if you are absolutely miserable in your marriage than by all means get out of it. It happens to the best of us. I am only questioning the fact that it seems like you are miserable only now that you have met someone else.
Whatever you do, please just be honest with your wife. She deserves at least that. Tell her whats up, tell her the truth, that you fell in love with somebody else and that it is NOT her fault. Take responsibility. Don't paint her like the bad guy (like many men do upon breaking a woman's heart).
And yes your kids will suffer. But I guess it is better they find out now what kind of father they have than later in life. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): Yes & No.
Yes if you truly love this woman
No because of your kids
^^ These two are your options.
Third option, explain to your wife how you truly feel.
If my husband were to leave me for another woman then i would want to know why...if it was my fault or just something was not clicking.
It is truly up to you to do as you wish BUT just be considerate of not only your wife but your children as well.
Best of luck
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