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The tale of two sisters

Tagged as: Family, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (9 September 2017) 3 Answers - (Newest, 11 September 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

The tale of two sisters;

1st issue

Sister T and Sister J live 50 miles apart. Their father sadly passes away. Some months later Sister J phones Sister T and asks what they should do with Dad’s clothes. They agree that they should be cleared and given to charity. Sister T is struggling with the effect of her Dad dying and Sister J agrees to sort things out.

Three weeks later there is a further conversation when the matter is discussed for a second time, again it is agreed that the clothes be given to charity. Sister B and her Husband sort the clothes out; they check the pockets for valuables which are put in a drawer. The clothing is given to charity.

6 months later the son of Sister T and Daughter of Sister B tell Sister B that she and her Husband removed the clothing without permission and that their Grandfathers rings are missing.

Sister B and her Husband find this extremely distressing.

6 months later one of the rings is found by Sister T.

2nd issue

Less than a year later Sister B and her Husband are separated (in part because of the distress caused by the family over this incident).

Sister B phones her Brother in Law and asks if he would like to attend a Cricket international with her husband. It is Sister B’s birthday treat for her husband who gets on well with the Brother in Law. Sister B tells her Brother in Law the date of the Match. The Brother in Law says he would love to go.

Sister B tells Sister T about the arrangements and the date. Sister B buys the tickets.

Two weeks later during a telephone conversation Sister T tells Sister B that she has now booked a short break and her husband will no longer be going to the cricket. Sister B is left with two expensive tickets.

3rd issue

Sister B is a good cook. Earlier In the year Sister T has asked Sister B to make a cake for her birthday.

Sister B telephones Sister T (the telephone call above) to confirm that she still wants her to make a cake. Sister T says yes and invites Sister B over for lunch on her birthday.

4 days before the birthday lunch Sister T tells Sister B that her daughter has booked a ‘surprise’ birthday lunch at a local restaurant. The daughter who is in her 20’s doesn’t work and Dad will be paying for the meal. Sister T tells Sister B (who is still separated from her husband) to come over with the cake later in the afternoon after they had got back from the restaurant.

I would really welcome peoples thoughts - is this behaviour reasonable?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 September 2017):

I think Sister B and Sister T carry grudges; and do a lot of passive-aggressive dancing around each other. Trying to see who can leave who hanging, or trying to make the other look bad. They are siblings. This nonsense has been going on all of their lives.

These two mature-women have not outgrown their sibling-rivalry; and they perpetuate it only because older people can be stubborn and one is so resentful of the other; neither can see straight. There is nobody around to make them kiss and make up; and stop Sister T from hoodwinking her own sister. It's kind of silly to go spend money on someone you're having a beef with. Sister B set herself up.

She should still bring the cake, and take the high-road. Sister T is going to have a lot of guilt on her conscience on her death-bed, if she goes first. It's all silly nonsense.

Grief has nothing to do with anything. Some people are like billy goats; and like to butt heads for no other reason, but pure meanness.

Until Sister B grows a backbone, Sister T will be the Lucy who keeps moving the ball before Charlie Brown gets to kick it. Google the comic strip "Peanuts" if my analogy doesn't make sense.

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A male reader, Hot Cup of Tea Spain +, writes (10 September 2017):

Family dynamics work in strange ways so I don't think Sister B should think of things in right or wrong (also the story is obviously coming from Sister B's viewpoint so maybe a bit slanted) What I would say is that Sister B is obviously tired of being the donkey for Sister T who (she feels) just uses her to do whatever is asked, then blames her if things don't go to plan and then drops her whenever she is of no use. I suggest Sister B spread her wings in another direction, Join groups get hobbies - Make other friends and relationships. Be with people she feel actual like her and want her for herself. More importantly Sister B needs to value herself and her time more and she needs to realise that life is precious and not to be wasted on those who don't make her happy.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (10 September 2017):

Honeypie agony auntSister B can tell her sisters no or tell them to go fly a kite.

Some people treat family like crap because they know that the family member(s) usually suck it up or make excuses for them.

If Sister B is NOT happy with how her sisters treat them, she needs to learn how to say no. Like with the cake. Now she knows that NEXT time she is asked to bake or cook for her sister(s) that the answer is NO, I don't have time or No, I don't want to.

As for the whole issue with the rings and the clothes. Well, some people don't deal well with grief, some lash out, some are just total cows regardless.

All Sister B could do was to say I didn't see the rings or (if she saw them) tell them where they were.

It sounds like sister B is tired of being walked all over, so maybe it's time for her to stop acting like a doormat with her sister.

Is it reasonable behavior? Who knows? For some, it might well be. For others, not so much.

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