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The man who loves me is married. He says he's never fallen for anyone else, not even his wife!

Tagged as: Cheating, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 November 2005) 12 Answers - (Newest, 24 May 2012)
A female , anonymous writes:

I have fallen head over heels with a married man.

I've known him for years, and always fancied him but never ever thought he would feel the same. Only a few weeks ago did he tell me that he loves me.

He honestly said he didn't fall in love with his wife, because when they got married-as wrong as it was, he didn't love her, but he grew to love her.

He has never fallen in love with anyone but me, and I love him too. I don't know what to do. I know he is married but we both love each other so much and want to be together, even though it is so wrong.

Please help, the pain of this is unbearable. I am so in love.

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A female reader, QueenG United States +, writes (24 May 2012):

I like wise is in love with a married man, who say that he loves we more than the universe, and he tell it to me everyday, but he is still with his wife and is buying a house with her. When we have sex it is unprotected and he doesnt seem to care but when he is with his wife he completely ignore me, I hate this situation that I have created.

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A male reader, jkirk United States +, writes (3 September 2010):

It depends on the man. I see plenty of the Bertha-better-than-you's are here condemning you for their own moral values. Forget THEIR moral values and follow YOURS. Yes a man can, will and do leave their wives for other women. I would leave my wife in a heart beat if the woman I'm really in love with asked. But I would never ask her to leave her kids. So alas I shall just sit back and think of what could have been.

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A female reader, lovespice United States +, writes (31 July 2009):

I was involved with a couple of married men. I did it because it was convenient for me. I chose only powerful men with positions that could be compromised if anyone found out he was having an affair. This scenario is fine if it works for you. If you don't have time to take care of a man and want to be the passion that's on his mind day and night and he does whatever it takes to see you WHEN YOU WANT TO SEE HIM, then that's fine. As long as you are in control of your emotions.

Being a business owner, single mom, I chose this path. But if you do this, have the upper hand. Know that it is a temporary situation. It can be fun if you stay detached. More power to you if you can do this.

BUT, if you are wholeheartedly giving yourself to someone who only gives a part of himself to you, don't settle for it. If you find yourself obsessing and waiting for him, you know you're in trouble.

If you are to become a mistress with your eyes open, it can work to your advantage but don't be the victim that falls for his lies. If the sex is good, then use him for that. If he gives you money, yes, use him for that. He's using you too and getting his worth for WHAT HE PUTS into it.

But again, don't fall for the fantasy. Be the fantasy.

KNOW YOUR WORTH.

If you are a married woman and hating me for saying this, I was once you. I was married to a man that strayed. Men will stray. And they stray for various reasons. Curiosity, boredom, feeling inadequate. And when men stray, it is not the wife's fault. He doesn't have the strength to admit his weaknesses. There is a communication breakdown. I survived by divorcing my husband. Now I am on the other side and understand it more.

Best of luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2008):

They are both liars - the adulterers , they are usually frustrated and angry at the primary home - they take it for granted and are occasionally mean to those who are legally related to them. They are often tired at home and lack little interest in home unless they are caught...then they usually have a newfound love and appreciation for their home. That is until the second time they are caught !

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2008):

i was involved with a married man, he did leave his wife for me, but eventually went back to her, after the 6th time he went back, i said enough was enough, even though my heart was breaking, i couldnt take anymore, since then, he has tried to win me back with lies, saying his wife had left him, which i found out was yet another lie,

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2007):

I also fell in love with a married man. He told me all kinds of wonderful things and made it sound like he was bored and uninterested with his wife. Surprise, surprise - six months down the road, he has dumped me. He's staying with his dull, dependent wife. Don't get involved with married men. They never leave. It's not worth putting yourself through that pain.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2006):

All men and women need to make it a rule to avoid having deep, intimate discussions with a married person.

Those kinds of sharing and relating should be going on with married couples and with those single people who are looking to become commited and faithful to another.

To allow and continue to allow to develop that kind of trust and opening up of your soul an heart to another is inviting in temptation to commit to sexual acts that should not be occuring with married people.

This man has proven himself untrustworthy, uncaring, and weak so why would you hope to wait for a man who could not keep vows of faithfulness and honoring all other vows as a good man to love, trust, and rely on?

I agree with eyeswideopen in that married men are off limits and end the "tryst".

Show some self respect and self love, be strong and end it.

There is no point in mooing and lusting after a man that isn't yours.

Of course he is going to lie and make such outrageous claims so that he can keep you and you are not his to keep. Honey, that isn't love.

Love is about being honest, being considerate, being faithful, and about sacrifices. This man has done none of those.

Tell him to make a choice, he tells his wife and therefore will chose you. If this is "asking too much" or not being "realistic" or he says "please think about him"...he's a nasty, lying, deceitful man that no woman should trust.

End it. Heal. Be smart. Be wise. Be strong.

Good luck.

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A female reader, anna1 +, writes (9 August 2006):

i suppose because he tells you that you feel better than his wife? walk away! He's married! tell him to sort out his relationship with his wife 1st, if he's not happy then he has to have the decency to tell his wife without any other parties getting involved! That poor woman! Do you really want to be responsible for destroying a marriage? If his marriage is over let him deal with that first, and take a break from him! If he's actually telling you the truth, which I doubt, he'l be back without a poor wife getting betrayed in the process!

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A female reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (9 March 2006):

beentheredonethat agony auntplease please please....read some of the posts from the women who have been Hanging on...missing their whole lives....waiting on some married guy to break free from his wife. Every one of those women think they have been a cherished flower.....and if only HE would leave his terrible wife who he does not love...(but he's still THERE?).

You THINK you are in pain NOW?....Wait three...five...eight....twenty years...and realise it was for NOTHING. (Oh I know...that will never happen to you...because you are special...different...I could never understand how truly Deep your love is...right?)

Ok...Then tell him RIGHT now...you won't see him again until he Is divorced...because you can't put yourself through a long drawn-out affair that ends in nothing...and if he does not really Want to leave his wife...then you must be kind to her and send him back.

Sooooo...he's going to say after some thinking..."well your right...Ok...I will ask her for a divorce." (and now you can sleep together again...cause you think you got what you wanted...and he did)

Six months go by...he has not left her(statistically if he has not left by now he won't)...and you finally start asking specific questions....well he's going to tell you how difficult that old bitch he's married too is making it.(pssst..it takes two to get married...only one to get divorced!) You are going to start to really hate her...she has what you want...and has not laid down as a doormat in the rapture of your great and true love, welcoming you to steal her entire world. Hmmmmm....she must really be Mean. Oh poooooor him. I must sleep with him to make him feel better...and he will have such happiness that he will find strength to leave that horrible Monster...(who he's also sleeping with by the way...even if he tells you they have not slept with each other for YEARS...the three kids should really make you wonder....He could not be the father..of course!!!!!)

Your first anniversary happens....could it be that long?..and you are so wrapped up in getting to celebrate...you don't even notice that you had to cook Him dinner...because you can't go out. And he bought you a gift...didn't he? He must love you.

By the second year...he does not have to fool you anymore. You get upset sometimes when he's not there...Christmas is really bad....you miss him so much. But, he's only there for the kids. He REALLY LOVES YOU!

How long can you stand to ache? Some women ache for three, others give up at five....some wait twenty.

Why do you hang on? Oh...you love him. You have to be right and prove to your friends who disapproved they were wrong. And you have already invested so much time into this...a little more can't hurt to make your dreams come true!

I am not making fun of you or any of them. But, lessons can be learned from other peoples mistakes. Yet when it comes to affairs...almost every person I have ever encountered who doesn't know what to Do...Knows WITH ABSOLUTE CERTIANTY that the situation they are in is SpecIAL...AND THAT what all those people have said will Never happen to them. Then it does and they are destroyed.

Choose wisely dear....read how after five years they are still trying to cling to any little thing. Their spirits are shattered and their hearts beyond broken...because they know...they broke their own heart with their naivety and hope. Don't fall into that trap.

Do married men leave their wives...yes. But, right away and they don't postpone it for little Suzie's recital...Christmas 2012 or because the wife has DECIDED he can't go.

To me, waiting on a married man is like watching other people eat when your really hungry. You can see it threw the glass, but you can't smell it, or taste it...just a tiny whiff every now and again...when a door is open for a second. You are sure someone will invite you in at any second...because your hunger is great. People enter the restaurant and leave. Some give you a glance then move on...but nobody offers you entrance. You press your face against the glass. What you want is soooo close. You stand alone, not going in...not walking away.

Walk away. If he jumps off the marriage wagon...you might give him a shot...if he does NOT? You are not loosing YOUR shot at being happy by sitting at home waiting. With all my heart, I wish you the best.

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A female reader, willywombat United Kingdom +, writes (7 March 2006):

willywombat agony auntThis guy just aint yours to love and you need to offer respect to his relationship with his wife and back off until he is free. IF or WHEN that happens.

The adulterer male or female always syas what they think the other person wants to hear. He is lying to his wife who he made sacred vows to when he amrried her. Do you seriously think he wont lie to you as well??

Get a grip and back off until he is free.

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A female reader, shania United Kingdom +, writes (2 December 2005):

shania agony auntMarried men always admit their undying love for their mistress because thats what the other woman wants to hear and these married men know that.Now he said that when he married his wife,he wasnt in love with her but he grew to love her in time,so nothing has changed there.Now he says that he is in love with you,ok he might well be,but and its a big but,does he love you enough to walk out on his wife? Probably not,because to end his marriage and to lose the stability of a wife etc he would have to be 100 per cent certain about you.If i was you i would walk away and find someone else that you wont have to share with.I think if you gave him a ultimatum,its either you or her that he has to choose,my money would be on the wife.

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (1 December 2005):

eyeswideopen agony auntUnless he divorces his wife then you keep your hands off the guy. Married men are off-limits. He's probably just saying what he thinks you want to hear in order to get into your drawers anyway. Tell him to look you up after the divorce and mean it.

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