A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunts and uncles. I am 21, and I share a 2 year old daughter with my ex boyfriend. When we were together he constantly cheated on, but he always managed to convince me that whoever had told me was lying. It wasn't until I found text messages on his phone that he admitted to this one time, but now I fully believe he lied all along. I was stupid at the time, and because I was so young and unmarried when I fell pregnant I guess I wanted to believe that he was telling the truth.Now,a year since we broke up, I have started seeing someone else. We started seeing each other about 3 months ago, and only after Christmas did I allow him to meet my daughter. I wanted to be sure he was a genuine guy, and he is. He loves her and is always treating her, asking after her. Most guys would want to spend time alone with their girlfriend but if I can't get a babysitter who is more then happy to change plans or stay in. My family really like him too, which is a bonus as they hate most of my ex boyfriends.My problem is my ex boyfriend, my child's father, has found out that he has been spending time with her, and he doesn't like it one bit. He refuses to accept my new relationship ( I told him before my new boyfriend met my daughter as I felt it was only fair ). He insists that if I keep allowing him to spend time together as a family, he will take my daughter away from me. I know he can't for that reason alone but I truly don't see the problem. My boyfriend works, he has his own flat and we have no plans to move in together or anything like that right now!My ex refuses to met my new boyfriend, despite us trying to arrange it. It's causing rows whenever he picks our daughter up for the day, or whenever he calls. I really don't see the problem, what am I missing?! My ex has had flings since we broke up but if he had a proper relationship I wouldn't have a problem with her spending time with our child as long I knew. Mothers and fathers views please, as I'm seriously confused!
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (14 January 2014):
 Your ex- sounds like a World-class a$$hole....
I'd ignore him... and stick on the course you are taking to have a NORMAL life (i.e..... a life WITHOUT "ex-" in it)...
Your new guy sounds like a real find...
Good luck...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2014): I don't think you should push your ex and your current to meet but it was a good step to take to show respect. I am of the opposite opinion. If my ex had a new partner and was letting said new partner spend time with my child then i would not be happy in the least. I wouldn't let a new partner of mine spend vast amounts of time with my child either. But suppose to me the problem would be more about suddenly becoming an instant family. I mean, no one wants to feel replaced. If you can't get a sitter i understand that but if you have to date with your child then i would do just that. Go on date to the park, bowling, brews, shopping etc. Rather than having current partner over at the house all the time. If you put child to bed have dvd dates etc. Set limits on current boyfriend so only a handful of days with your child you see him, if you see him a lot then maybe once or twice with your child. If ex has a problem with child spending too much time with current boyfriend then ask about a compromise, wheather he will take her once during the week for date night. Or maybe family will take her for an evening to have date night. Or agree six to nine months current boyfriend can only mix with child twice a week and if relationship still stable after that period then you are free to have him around as often as you want. However you must make it clear to daddy that current boyfriend is not trying to replace him in your child's life. You are not out to find a new daddy but that you deserve to be loved too. Point out that anyone part of your life is going to be part of your child's life, just like anyone part of his life is going to part of child's life. But if BOTH of you have to take it at a slower pace to increase the confidence of each parent's concerns over childs safety then i say work towards a compromise. I imagine you both don't expect to be single for the rest of your lives just because you are parents, but remember you are parents so the child must ALWAYS come first no matter how great the date seemingly appears.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 January 2014):
 no need for the ex to meet the current BF
if you don't have a custody order filed with the court... GET ONE...
when my ex husband and i divorced we had a child custody and support order... living with someone when not married was not allowed and moving to certain locations was prohibited.. but my ex had no say in who my dates were and if my children could interact with them.
he can't take her from you for your having a boyfriend around your child.
get a good attorney and call his bluff.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 January 2014):
 I agree stop trying to get the ex to met the new BF. It's not going to work, THOUGH the idea is a mature and smart one (from your side to introduce the men your ex is just a jealous moron, who wants you to stay single and miserable like HE is).
I also agree 3 months is too soon. I'd really go with 6-12 months as well. Kids don't understand it when people break up. And kids often form attachments WAY fast to new adults. So always go WAY slower with the introduction then you would for yourself.
Don't allow arguments. When you EX picks her up don't let him go onto the subject, just refuse to debate it. IF he can't stop pitching fits arrange for him to pick her up from your parents house instead of yours.
Him threatening to take your child is ridiculous and I think he knows it, but he has been so USED to manipulating you that he thinks he can still do it and well, look at you? You worry about it now right?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 January 2014):
 Stop trying to arrange meetings between your boyfriend and your ex-boyfriend. That's unnecessary, and if you have primary custody of your daughter, he can't use her as a weapon to attack you for moving on with a new guy.
The only thing I'd say to you is that even though what's done is done, 3 months is way too soon to be introducing a child to a new boyfriend. Many people wait until the 9 month mark to the 1 year mark because it hurts a child to become attached only to have a relationship break up. 3 months is still too new. Some guys who may do harm to your daughters start by grooming you in order to get to her and can last 3 months. If you wait that year, a lot of times red flags pop up that may mean the difference.
I cross my fingers that this relationship works with you, but if it doesn't, wait longer. Don't force things like meetings.
Your ex can't do anything as long as you haven't neglected your child and he is allowed visitation rights as directed by the courts. If he is paying regular child support and has regular contact, then that's fine.
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