A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I have had relationship probems since the beginning of our relationship, however we have a deep passionate love for eachother. Right now, we are not together but are discussing possibly working things out, however there are certain aspects of life that i value very strongly, and she see's them in the opposite way and has just as strong values.I feel it is disrespectful to have the opposite sex as friends, if they aren't friends that you have had for X amount of time. Suddenly there are new friends in her life since our break up, and I don't like it, or them. She wants to compromise with me, but when I try to tell her "Fine, go have lunch with Bob, but don't go back to his room, and don't have lunch with Mark, Bob, and Sal" she get's all testy and says that I am being unfair.I do not like, nor accept males as friends to my girlfriends. I do not go out and eat dinner with female friends alone, nor do i hang out and have movie nights or anything of the sort with them. What am I to do if neither of us can respect each others views, or at least meet half way. I am willing to give in order to get, she isn't.Any help? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2007): I can understand that you don't want your girl to see her male friends but do you also not want her to see her female friends? Well anyway about the male friends, I think you should try to explain why you feel so strongly about her not seeing her male friends and see how she takes this. Personally , I would hate it if my boyfrined tried to control who I could be friends with but everyone's different. Maybe you should point out that you don't go out with girls on dinner dates etc and this may help her to realise how it would feel if you did the same to her. But you should also try to give her some leeway because if you both have very strong views it's not going to work out between you both. For example, you could ask her not to go back to the guys rooms etc but compromise on her going out with a group of her friends. Think about it from the view that you both need a life outside of each other. If you broke up for good you would both need your friends around you to have fun with and get on with life, so you can't really ask her to isolate herself from her friends. Also you should try to get out more with your friends too - guys and girls - it may just help you both to have a more balanced relationship and show you both that you can have a life apart from each other but also that you value each other enough to want to be together. Good luck with it x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2007): Sweetheart we live in the 21st century, u cant control who your ex see's i have many male friends im engaged and very much in love, My fiance is also friends with my friends and i with his girl mates. I dont think you should get back with your girl at the mo, you need to sort out some issues in your head love, I dont mean to sound harsh but trust is really very important in a relationship, i do see your pain and understand how this may be difficult for you to deal with, if you do really love her take some time to put stuff into perspective good luck love and take care
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2007): i dont think you know what you are talking about.
i think the fact that weather this person is brought up old school or not matters somewhat, but if his views and opinions, weather he has been burned or not in the past, are strong enough and the girlfriend feels strongly towards him; well then they should be able to decide what to do. if she wants to be with him, she should find a way to express that she can't just shut people out, but that she will give him, at least to an extent, certain things that will help him out. yes, maybe this person has some issues, but to think that he is being "controlling", well then I think you are terribly wrong. This has absolutely NOTHING to do with control, more to do with upbringing and strong views.
I personally also feel that my girlfriend should not, nor will not be out with a male, for we both know how males are, and in a lot of cases, females are the same way if not worse.
Life is about how two people understand each other. And I don't think this question should be up on this message board, but your answer does not help what-so-ever.
I hope mine does a little more.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (1 June 2007):
 Right now I don't think it would be right for you to go back into a relationship with your ex and I think she is probably feeling the same way.
You are trying to be too controlling and why do you have such a jaded opinion of a woman having male friends, it is a very old fashioned attitude and I think this has more to do with your own insecurities or the fact that a gf has either done the dirty on your previously.
Just because you don't think it is right to have female friends and spend time with them I don't think dictating to a gf that she is not allowed will only drive you further apart.
Are you anti social in the workplace as well to female colleagues. I don't understand your very adamant stance on this I must say.
OK there are guys and females out there who are quite happy to be more than friends but at the end of the day I think this comes down to whether you have enough trust in your gf or not and I don't think you are there right now.
We should all be able to have a wider circle of friends and that includes you as well. Female friends can give you insight into how a woman thinks and they are not just there to be a sexual partner only and I think you do have a few issues here that may need addressing.
I would also recommend a bit of relationship counselling before entering into another relationship either with your ex or someone new as I do believe that this very strong opinion you have about friends of the opposite sex comes from a more rooted problem.
If you stay adamant on this point you will drive your gf away for good in my opinion.
No one likes being told they can't do something and yes every relationship should be about compromise but I don't think you are giving that option here, you are clearly stating you can go out to lunch but nothing more than that as obviously your gf or her friend would take things further if they were in a different surrounding, that is not often the case so more discussions I think.
Wish you well.
BFN
Country Woman
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