A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not really sure there is answerable question in the following, but I need a place to express myself and if you feel you can help me, please do.Again I woke up to a text message from J (my ex). "How was your day today?" I know she's not leaving these for anyone else, why me? Every time I see her, hear her, or get a text from her my heart races. With what, I don't know. Anticipation? Maybe, but I don’t think so. I love her. I don't think I can handle a platonic relationship with her and my gut tells me that she is struggling to have one with me. I struggle everyday with anger that she is with B whom I despise. Why? He took her from me. He couldn't take "No" for an answer. He is vulgar and disrespectful. He is old. He has a child. He is less refined. In short, I think he is a classless asshole and I think J deserves better than that. Aside from the anger, I am utterly heartbroken. Everyday seems worst than the previous and my heart has reach limits that I didn't know it could hit. I knew I had something special with J, but I didn't know how special it was until she had taken it away. Again today, I told her that I missed her and she said ditto. Why do we both feel this way yet nothing comes of it? I am not strong enough to walk away and neither is she. I know that I can't be her friend because seeing her, hearing her, contacting her breaks my heart each time it happens, but at the same time I don't think I can live without those things. It's a vicious, never-ending cycle. I wish she would do something that would just make me not love her anymore. I thought she did when she finally cut the rope that had been stringing me along, but I apparently have gotten worse. I have no social life to fall back on or fill my time with that doesn’t involve our mutual friends. So how do I tell her off? She gets mad at me when I ignore her, when I don't say good bye. Why would she get mad at me when I don't say good bye? Her BS response was that it wasn't very friendly. But why does she care that much? I didn’t say good bye because she brought B along and the sight of him makes my blood boil.
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female
reader, 48years  +, writes (30 November 2008):
 Ok, I get it...but it burns you up to see her with B. Trade places with her mentally: if you were the one back with your old flame, would you tell this woman you miss her?
Yes, you might.
Would it mean you want to be with her and ditch your old flame?
Not necessarily.
What would it take to end the vicious never-ending cycle?
Two possibilities: 1. You move on 2. She moves on
If she comes back to you, how will you ever be certain she won't leave again?
Some girls like older men because they have money (or pretend to), or because they are looking for a daddy (I call these types "wounded birds").
Just think about it...no one can make you do anything you don't want to, and each of us controls our own destiny.
Are you who you want to be?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): hey i really feel for you,
ive been reading through all the questions on this site about break ups, and as touching as they all were, i think yours hit a soft spot for me.
i went through a very similiar situation. my bf of 2 years broke up with me to figure himself out and we tried to stay best friends. i went through the same feelings that you described. its so hard because you still love that person so much but you arent able to act the way your heart wants to act around them. i played into the friendship game for three months, and for three months i was even more heartbroken and i couldnt move on.
my advice to you, as hurt and broken as you may feel, you need to find the strength to walk away. tell her she has to make a decision, she either commits her heart to you fully or lets you go so you can move on with your life. but believe me, staying friends is impossible when you still have feelings for her. you will never be able to move on with your life unless you make a clean break. i just recently made my clean break. and as much as i miss him soo much, i know that its better for me in the end. you have to just let her go, i know its easier said than done. but hun, if you are truly meant to be, she will find her way back to you in time, when things are right between you, and when the timing is right. sometimes in love, timing is everything. for now you need to take care of you, be strong, and let go. it will all get better in time, i promise.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): First off buddy, he did not steal her from you! She left you of her own free will and it seems she wants to keep you "tied up" in the balance incase this relationship does not work out. Do you want to be with someone who left you and is having sex with someone else, someone who found in her mind you were not good enough to be numero uno?! He might have her now, but don't let her or her texting stop you from living your life, simply reconize you still are emoitonally attached ot her and when you get a text delete it, it is simple and they made a button for it....go be around your friends and find someone who will "make you a priority, not an option!"
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWith all due respect 48 years, we never argued or cheated. We broke up because B (her previous bf) came crawling back to her as a 'changed man' and she decided 'to see their relationship through'. We truely did have nothing but good times together and she would even attest to that. That's why this is so hard to handle. She continues to tell me she misses me and the chemistry we had was so palpable.
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A
female
reader, 48years +, writes (30 November 2008):
I know you miss her...you have romantic revisionist disorder. That's where you remember only the good times and not the arguments or the cheating...Been there...Whatever broke you two up the first time is still there. If you get back together, you'll break up faster (the cycle repeats itself). Ask yourself if you really want to hang around to watch B and she get engaged? If it were me, I'd rather not see any of it. So, let's say you do break it off, what do you do with your spare time? Join a club or a sport. Don't listen to sad break-up music. Go to "The work.com". Read the other letters in this site. Get a dog or cat. Go to a cooking class (they are filled with women). Being friend with an ex makes as much sense as sky diving without a parachute.
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