A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am currently struggling with being able to forget about my ex. I was with him for 2 years and we'd gone through so much together. He was my rock and I loved him more than anything. I had a fair few problems of my own, which I know, at times, I took out on him. Yet, he persevered and was always there for me. Things just got worse and worse, over time, and I realised I had to change things or we'd end up breaking up. Well, we did end up finishing, though, I did not want that. He decided that the best way to deal with the situation was to simply stop talking to me, after he said how 'fat and gross' I was, and that he hated me etcetera. Then I sent him a text saying that I really still need him in my life, and as he was going away the next day, he said that he would reply when he was home. That never sufficed and since then (6 months) I've been trying to get over it, find closure and move on. At times, indeed, I have. At others, I have not. He is on my mind a lot of the time, especially over the past 2 weeks - Christmas/New Years (happy times) and I feel a bit lost without him. He meant the world to me and I would honestly do anything to be able to speak to him for even a minute. I know his actions (by ignoring/blocking me) show that he doesn't care. Yet, that's what I find hard. I can't accept that he just doesn't care and it hurts so deeply that that's the way it is.How can I deal with this? I wanted 2015 to be a new start, but I still feel I need him. I really need some advice.Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2015): Detaching from someone you care for is a laborious and agonizing process. You are feeling grief, of course the loss makes you pine for him. Fight the feeling. It's a little bit of his poison left in your system.
So much goes on in the mind and heart all at the same-time.
You feel yourself numb one minute, and close to going insane with loneliness the next. It's funny how the toxic words he said to you have lost their sting. That's only another symptom of the process of breaking-up with someone. Selectively ruminating over and over about all the good stuff, and it seems you forget the nasty things and reasons you broke-up. Odd thing about the heart; it independently decides to forgive all sins after the mind has decided enough is enough, and you shouldn't put-up with the mistreatment, disrespect, and abuse anymore. The heart is irrational. Time to listen to your mind.
The mind ultimately decides what's best for your survival. The heart would lead you over a cliff left under it's own control. Heart and mind must be synchronized to regain self-control. That's how we heal.
Of course you miss him, it wasn't always bad. It just wasn't good enough. You do have to remember that it was bad enough that you did have to separate. We men don't like expressing our emotions or laying them out on the table. Thus he cut-off all contact and he doesn't show any reaction to the breakup. He won't allow you to see him grieving for you. He'll find ways to cut you off, even by flaunting his freedom on social media.
Avoid stalking his updates. They are deliberately publicized for your destruction. That's how young people psychologically manipulate and emotionally blackmail each other nowadays. Appearing on social media to be having the time of their lives, and showing how much fun it is to replace you. It's a performance! Everyone they meet is a rebound. They're being played and don't know it. Trust me on that! It's played out scene for scene just like a television series. Only thing missing are the commercials.
If he hasn't done it yet, it's coming. Ignore it.
He is suffering in his own way. He is grieving the loss, but that doesn't mean he wants you back. He also has to let go, and it will not be as emotional and visible as it is for you. He will behave with anger, he'll use passive-aggressive behavior to show indifference; and he will use his silence as a way to stress you out. He will take pleasure in knowing your pain is for him. It gives him power over you. Remote-control over your feelings.
No contact is the way you wean yourself off your emotional dependence; and it allows the brain to undergo the chemical changes to let him go. It hurts like hell. You undergo the agony of withdrawal; while craving to talk to him. Needing a fix. Contacting him will not make you feel better. It will pull the scab off. You said sometimes you're okay with it. That's a sign of slowly healing. Only problem with healing, is that it is a very slow process. Time is both the enemy and part of the remedy after a breakup, my dear.
You need to return to the emotional state when you were independent and thought as a individual. Not half of a couple. You have to turn the love you directed to him, back to yourself. You also have to love yourself enough to help yourself heal by getting over his loss. By pushing forward.
You'll hope every-time you hear the phone, it's him. Every-time you hear the message tone, it's his text. Then you'll feel your heart sink and that dull feeling in the pit of your stomach. How do I know? Been there and done that.
Like when you have a cold, everyone has a remedy right?
Eat chicken soup, drink orange juice, lots of herbal tea.
You try them all, and nothing really works but time. You can mask the misery with cold medicine, but the symptoms still return. That's how it is when you're struggling to move on. No matter what you do, the awful misery seems to comeback. You just keep struggling until your stubborn subconscious-mind accepts that it is over and done with. You don't need to talk to him. Talking to him will only stir-up frustration. It will push you back to square one, and the conversation will only be a lot of pleading, desperate argument, and trying to convince him not to leave.
It would be totally futile. You will receive no closure, because the only closure your mind can accept is things being the way they were when you first got together. We know that isn't going to happen.
Stay away from him. Do not even entertain the tiniest urge to contact him. His silence is merciful, not a weapon. It is giving you the space and time you need to let go. He, like most men, will not show his feelings in words and emotional displays. He will hide them. Pretend to be totally unmoved, even mean. He feels exactly what you feel, but his mind is allowing him to pull away. Being near you effects him, but it would only lead to sex or some form of immediate gratification. Afterward, he'll go back to were he was. He is in pain, but prefers to handle that pain away from you.
You will find it gets better as time passes. You will still feel twinges of sadness once you're reminded. You'll miss him and you'll reminisce over the good-times. Holidays will bring back memories and amplify your loneliness. It's a necessary evil in-order for detachment to complete it's process. You will begin to resent feeling that way, and decide to move forward to move on. You'll want to leave all the memories behind, regardless of whether they're good or bad. That is how the mind recovers. That is how you reclaim yourself. It is also how the love you were pouring out to him starts to flow-back to you, and out to others who are more important to you then he is. He has chosen to set you free. Appreciate the freedom. It's how you start over, find your own way to happiness, and eventually you will find someone better. You now have the time to be selfish and a chance to fix everything within yourself that needs maintenance and repair. You can start self-improvement.
The power to heal is in your own hands. When you decide to allow the process to complete. Like rebooting your computer. Your feelings will be reset.
I truly understand how you feel and hope the words I have offered will give you comfort. Get some rest. Hangout with family and friends. Cry and let off some stress. But you have to allow yourself to smile and laugh. It is the best remedy of all. His silence is a gift of peace. Your feelings need the chance to settle-down without aggravation.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (2 January 2015):
 You won't ever forget him, it's that simple. But as you age you might find that you realize that you two weren't as compatible as you would have liked. And that ending the relationship really was the "right" thing to happen.
Everyone has their limits, he reached his. I don't think the blocking and ignoring you, is because he doesn't CARE - but because he NO longer WANTS to be your rock. HE wants to let you go and move you. The relationship STOPPED being good.
And maybe him calling you names, were his way or pushing you away so "hard" that you would STAY AWAY and let him move on.
NOT that I'm saying calling you names is EVER OK, and it makes me wonder a little WHY you seem to think he is SUCH a good guy when he pulls something like that?
I don't think you NEED him in your life. YOU WANT him in your life, because of shared history and familiarity. There is A BIG difference between NEED and WANT. And there are certainly times where WANTING someone to BE there for us, is NOT the right thing, specially IF they are abusive or simply DO NOT want the same thing.
YOU CAN accept that something was not working in your relationship. That YOU were part of these problems and that is might have BEEN party your "fault" (in lack of a better word) it didn't work. INSTEAD of trying to "get him back" - stop BEATING a dead horse, spend some time and reflect on HOW to deal with your issues (whatever they may be) BEFORE jumping into a relationship. It's not a partners job to "fix" you (general you) or YOUR "issues". It's not his job to "persevere" when you TAKE your issues out on him. A partner can (and should) support you and be there for you as much as they can, but if YOUR (again general you) issues is what's causing the rift, YOU need to find a way to DEAL with those issues. That might take counseling, it may take a lot of soul searching - but when it comes DOWN to it, the issues are YOURS.
LET him go. RESPECT that he doesn't WANT you in his life for now. That HE is trying to move on. Instead of focusing on him, focus on yourself. Be with friend and family and learn to RELY on yourself, not a MAN, to take you through issues.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 January 2015): Hi, I feel your pain.
I was close to a guy who suddenly just stopped wanting to know me after a bit & moved on to someone else rather quickly & stopped talking. I still don't know how he could forget me so quick!
I find time is a healer & keeping busy with other people around helps take your mind off things - but only temporarily.
However, if he called you 'fat & gross' - do you really feel you need him in your life..?
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (1 January 2015):
 I know it can be difficult at times. But the good news is, he's making it easy and clear for you - he's showing you that he's moved on and not interested in getting back with you.
Now YOU just need to move on. The good and maybe even bad memories will always be a part of who you are. You will remember them from time to time. But you need to start getting up, going out, meeting people, and doing things for yourself to help YOU move on.
It can be extremely difficult at times, but trust me, it will only get easier and easier. Give it time. Good luck!
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