A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:12 yrs ago I had an affair with a married man which resulted in his divorcing his wife and leaving their 3 teenage children. A yr later he and I married and have been happily married ever since. His ex wife continues to call me an adulterer and has told their now grown children all about it. I used to have a good relationship with my stepchildren but now none of them will speak to us or allow us to see the grandchildren. How am I to handle the shame and embarrassment and judging for the rest of my life?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): To the Male Anon :just to clarify: when I spoke about "happy married people" having affairs, I was trying to make a point. I did NOT specifically say in the OPs situation that her married lover was happily married. Since the OP has chosen to remain quiet and no follow ups to give clarity on her situation, we all are left in the dark as to whether her ex lover (now husband) marriage was a nightmare or whether he/she just happened to fall into an affair. We do not know facts. We just have general statements by the OP without much info, just her now being caught out by the stepkids 12 years later. Male Anon I hope you understand this. My statement was more general and NOT specific to the OPs love triangle.
Then to another point: I have been married for over 20 years. So trust me Male Anon, I know what I am talking about. I suggest you re read my comments where I say "show me a marriage.....that doesn't have any cracks......" Dear Male Anon, if you read correctly I tried to emphasise that marriages do go through turbulence at one stage or another. And me being married for a tad bit longer than you have also had screaming matches with my husband, but life carries on and so, when we are in public, we behave like adults, and do not make our issues known to all. Why? Because in hindsight, most of the times, these issues are easily remedied once the emotions are removed and we look at the situation realistically. And yes, Male Anon, when we do kiss and make up, we have mindblowing sex to reaffirm our love and lust for each other. I'm sure you do the same with your wife? So I'm glad we are both on the same page ( I repeat, please re read my comments (without becoming emotional) and realise that we both agree that marriage issues does suffice from time to time!!! I don't want to labour the point, but I tactfully and respectfully suggest that you reinvest in your marriage. You seem to have issues with the wife and I think that you need an avenue to vent. Toxic or just plain fed up?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): To Lovegirl:"Those of you that say happily married people do not have affairs is just plain bull. If/when an opportunity presents itself and boundaries are crossed, seemingly happily married people embark on the forbidden, the illicit."Perhaps, but they then don't turn around and marry that person and stay with them for 12 years. This was not about an opportunity to play with the hot blonde you met on a trip. The husband embarked on a life journey with his mistress. Happy married people DO NOT do that! Ever! And if he was unhappy I am not placing all blame on the ex-wife, but it takes two to tango. She played her part and now she portrays herself to the kids as an innocent victim to hurt her ex-husband and his new wife. She was obviously very hurt, but that's pathetic. Now her kids don't have a relationship with their dad. Is that his fault? Of course, but she is not blameless. "To the Male Anon who seems to be in a TOXIC marriage where you and your wife scream/fight and then pretend that alls well: you can either get out of the marriage OR seek proper counseling."I have to laugh at this. How long have you been married? You never had any fights and then had to put on a happy face because you were, say, on your way to an event? What I think is TOXIC is your idealistic attitude towards love and marriage. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes. I think a lot of you responding to this in favor of the ex-wife need to take that advice.*THREE* people messed up here and hurt the kids in the process. The kids could be just as messed up (or worse) even without the affair. A divorce (or even a bad marriage one stay in for the sake of the kids) is enough to cause bad feelings in itself. The ex-wife and the kids sound immature, the mistress is paying the price for what she did, and what I want to know us where is the husband in all of this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): I know I shouldn't respond again but certain things begs a response:
Some very good advice being dispensed to the former mistress but what many are not getting is this: the kids were not told the truth from the beginning. THAT is the crux of the matter. 12 years ago they just knew that their parents were getting a divorce. Now that they are adults they can reason for themselves and they know more facts than was made available to them previously. Stop blaming the evil ex wife. She's well within her rights to have an adult conversation with her kids as to why their father divorced her. Stop portraying her as her wicked wicked first wife.
OP you yourself know what transpired 12 years ago. Your married lover left his marriage for you. Were you ever accountable 12 years ago for your actions? Was your former lover accountable as well or did all parties hide the truth? Show me a marriage that doesn't have any cracks.show me a perfect union. Show me happiness only in a marriage without any trials and tribulations. Show me perfection between husband and wife. Show me a marriage where perfection rules over all else. Wow if the OP or anyone else can show me this I'll propably faint from disbelief. Thouse of you that say happily married people do not have affairs is just plain bull. If/when an opportunity presents itself and boundaries are crossed, seemingly happily married people embark on the forbidden, the illicit. Understand this dynamic and stop believing that a wife/any wife (or husband) are either *itches or *astards when their partners have affairs. Sometimes spouses are clueless when their partners run around on them. Yes spouses fight, scream at each other even. Say hurtful things to each other. Nag, moan, petty etc. That's part of life. Add a 3rd party to this mix and vola! A mess is created.
To the Male Anon who seems to be in a TOXIC marriage where you and your wife scream/fight and then pretend that alls well: you can either get out of the marriage OR seek proper counselling. Seems like you have written an Ode to the Mistress: in celebration? Perhaps you need to revisit your marital issues and make a decision BEFORE starting your affair.
Back to the OP: deep down your shame, embarressment issues that you are now going through means that this affair issue has made you look like a homewrecker? You thought that his kids accepted you BUT the moment they found out what you did all those years ago, they saw clarity and they made a decision. You are now ashamed because these kids view you in a different light and something that you and your husband hid has come out and is making you to address issues of the past. If you want to show the kids and grandkids that you have changed then only your actions can change their mind. They want to protect themselves and their kids from both of you because the way they see it, you two are untrustworthy and hypocrites. Your shame is not that you had an affair with a married man: your shame is that you have been caught out . 12 years later. Very big difference!!!
What to do? Nothing. These kids do not owe you and your husband anything. They are well within their adult rights to protect themselves from toxic people and they are excercing these rights. You are not a victim so get that out of your head. It is what it is and that's that!
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2012): I see a lot of stones being cast here and I am guessing there are at least some casting them who may live in glass houses. Maybe they didn't cheat, but perhaps they have some other flaw or failing or bad decision haunting them.There is something very important I learned after being married for almost 20 years with the attendant ups and downs and that is that people external to a relationship really have no idea what goes on in the relationship. My wife and I can be screaming at each other in the car and then put on a happy face just minutes later. I am not saying my wife and I are not happy, but no one knows our dirty laundry.Therefore, it is not proper to say that the spouse being cheated on is blameless. I am sure she contributed to the current situation in her own ways and it is improper to place blame solely on the mistress for her part in the failed marriage. Happily married men do not go looking for a mistress and then marry her. All three adults involved here contributed to the situation and yet the majority of blame is being placed on the one who least likely contributed to the failure of the marriage: the mistress. She makes a good scapegoat for the husband's poor judgement, but a man will not leave a wife he loves for a mistress unless the marriage was over anyway. You did not "steal" anyone's family. He and his first wife let it slip away.The adult children can make up their own minds based on the information they have and if you feel the information is based on lies then have your husband sit them down and explain the situation. The kids are adults. They will understand soon enough. They may forgive or not, but I have a feeling they eventually will if you speak to them like adults, because they will miss their dad.In the meantime, try not to dwell on this. It happened 12 years ago. Focus on your marriage and forget about the evil ex-wife who is trying to upset you (and succeeding). You are not a bad person. You can't change how others feel about you, but you can change how you feel about yourself. The shame, guilt, and embarrassment are all issues you need to work through yourself. Perhaps talk to a therapist or someone else who may be more sympathetic. In this case I am sure there is your story, her story, his story, and the truth. Seek the truth and come to terms with it. I think you will find more peace that way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): I have to say this. My brother broke up his family by cheating. The damage to his children was - and still is - intense. His then-wife didn't deserve it. I feel so strongly about the way my brother behaved that I don't speak to him. OK there's more to the story than just that, but his infidelity and in particular his refusal to accept the enormity of what he had done wrong made me hate him. He refused to accept any criticism and was hostile to any negative comments.. not saying that's you, but it explains where I am coming from.... So I suppose, perhaps, your step children might just start to respect you a bit or hate you less if you acknowledge that the affair was wrong (though of course you are not solely to blame and your husband has to get involved in sorting this out too). Don't blame the childrens' stepmother. She did not create the situation and you don't know how you would react in her position. Any negative vibes towards her will be picked up by your step children and make it worse. It really is not her fault. You have a long way to go, and I think you need to start by accepting full responsibility and not feeling sorry for yourself. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): I understand that you may be upset by this recent turn in events but 12years is a really long time for his ex to still be stirring the pot. So brush it off. Obviosly everyone has been lieing to the children this whole time also. Otherwise, they would have already known. And If his children decide to hate you, let them. If the last twelve years meant anything to them, they'll get over it if they want a relationship with their father. The situation sucks, but your role isnt the worst one there. Its his kids who get the shaft. You should have expected this type of thing, even over a decade later. I suggest just letting everyone process their feelings and try to remain humble and understanding. Otherwise you may wind up pissing them off more by whining. I also think letting him explain things for you both would improve your chances of being heard. Because coming from you will only serve to confirm their suspicion youre the sole perpitrator. Give them time and try to be understanding that their mother may never get over it. Some people never do. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (28 May 2012):
I personally am not so keen on the fact that the mother told her children that their father had had an affair. I think more than anything that shows that she was more interested in just hurting her ex than caring for her kids, or Grandkids. As a person who has truly seen parents at war, I find it discomforting to know that it meant so much for this woman to hurt her ex husband, that she'd rather hurt her kids and Grandkids. I do not like children being hurt because of parents. There's enough sickness in the world without that.
OP, as others have said, this is your past catching up with you. In no way do I think what happened was right. But, I can see that you are hurt because of what has happened. I suspect that your husband's ex saw an opportunity to hurt you both, and took it. The price is that the secret is out. The test is whether you have the nerve to accept what you did was wrong (because it was), and whether you have the nerve to both admit that to the children in the middle of this mess.
I would suggest writing a personal letter to each child, explaining that you accept responsibility for what happened, and are truly sorry that they are now hurt because of it. Explain that you wish to try and make amends, and that whatever happens you and their father (in fact it may better if he wrote the letters), will be there for them at any time. Hopefully, at some point, one of them might come to realize that whilst you screwed up, you're not actually bad people. It will take time, but one of them might well just give you that chance. And then, it'll be more honesty from you.
Don't attempt to lay blame elsewhere, and do please drop the 'how do I live with the shame and guilt'. That will get you nowhere, and if you come across as playing the victim, you'll only look worse. Instead, accept that you and your husband made a mess, and try to fix it.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (28 May 2012):
 What surprises me most is that your husband manages to get away with little criticism while you're labelled the 'home wrecker'. He is the one who cheated on his wife, not you. One cannot have an affair with oneself. HE was instrumental. But it's so typically patriarchal to make you out to be the sole villain.
You loved someone, he loved you too. He cheated. You didn't. The blame cannot be equal or only on you. Stop blaming yourself. And if his wife bears a grudge for twelve years, she needs psychiatric help, really. Tell your husband how it feels and if you ever have a confrontation with his children, tell them that one cannot clap with one hand.
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A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (28 May 2012):
In all honesty there is not much you can do, except take it day by day.Ultimately only the children can choose to forgive you or not. You and their father made a decision years ago that forever changed their lives. Their mother feels robbed of her marriage and kids robbed of a father. Divorce is hard enough, but feeling abandoned when your father chooses to leave his own children for another woman is much harder. My parents had the same problem, my father had the affair, but my mom took me and left and 3wks later my dad had me over with the woman he had the affair w and her two kids. I felt replaced. For 6yrs i saw him maybe 5 times a yr at best. One year i saw him only once. I made the choice to confront and forgive him and its now in the past. I really think it would benefit you to talk to his exwife and at least aknowledge what you did was wrong and appologize. It doesnt make it right, but maybe the kids will see that you are trying to reconcile and make peace. Maybe all they need is to hear that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): She calls you an adulterer because you are one - you had an affair with a married man.
You made your bed, now you must lie in it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): Choices and Consequences. Secrets have a way of coming out especially when you least expect it.Have you heard/learnt of Karma? I think you thought your "homewrecking" status was well hidden and that you got away with destroying a family. Alas in real life the pawpaw has now hit the fan 12 later. Stop blaming his ex wife . Has she lied about you? No Has she made up stories about you? NoShe did not tell her kids 12 years ago because she decided to spare their hurt feelings. Now that they are adults they can handle the truth. Stop thinking of yourself as a victim now. You are not. You may have gotten your married man but his kids now see through your deception. They have now made their choice: they Do Not want anything more to do with you. Please please please respect their decision and stay out of their lives.I'm sorry its not what you want to hear but the truth is the truth. This is the payback . Did you think you could hoodwink his kids forever? Our past creeps up when we least expect it. At least have the decency to admit your wrongs and let his kids and grandkids carry on with their lives Without You. Just as you made a decision 12 years ago. They have made their decision Now. Respect it! And stop blaming his ex wife. Kudos to her for only giving them the whole story now. As adults they can now make their own decisions as to who they let into their lives. Shame, embarressment, judging... It means that after 12 years you are now forced to acknowledge your wrong doing. Time to truly account for your actions. Time to reflect. Time to acknowledge the lies, half truths and betrayal to 3 teenagers. Your affair partner turned husband did not do right by 3 kids. Now that they are adults they see the real picture and they have chosen not to be hoodwinked anymore. This is about Respect and you and your man did not respect 3 kids 12 years ago. You two lied to them and they built a relationship with you based on lies. They may have respected, tolerated and come to love and accept you if you only know how to speak the truth. You could have averted the pain 12 years later. You should have discussed with them when they became adults but you continued to Disrespect them by lieing. This is now Your consequence of your lies and not Respecting them when they became adults( you owed them an explanation but you CHOOSE to lie to them). LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): Unfortunately, when you commit an act such as helping a man cheat on his wife, you are going to receive mass criticism, given that the majority of the population does no condone cheating. Not to mention, you not only helped him in having an affair, but you caused him to break up his marriage AND leave his children. The majority of the population especially frowns upon people who break up a family.I realize that you helped this man to escape a marriage that he may not have been particularly happy in, and that he is now happy with you and wasn't just trying to get some action outside of his marriage. This is a happiness that you can both share with each other. However, other people, especially your family and friends, will NEVER see it that way, because they, like the rest of the population, do not condone cheating. It's something that you're just going to have to face as a couple, and realize that when people who know your story look at you, that's what they are thinking about.I wish I could offer you some advice, but this is just something that you're going to have to live with for the time being until people can start to move on. Have you tried e-mailing the people that won't talk to you in person to explain YOUR story? If not, it could be a first step. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2012): You just have to learn to live with it. It is the price you have to pay for choosing a man who wasn't single.
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A
male
reader, grymsoul +, writes (28 May 2012):
 I'm sorry but can you really blame them? You helped in breaking up a family, just to make your own. How would you feel if you were in the mother's shoes? This just proves to show that even if you get the guy, there will be baggage with him. I can't say that I sympathize with you at all but to be honest, I do think that 12 years is too long to hold a grudge. The mother should have moved on by now. Still, you should know better than to expect happy smiles and hugs from the family you tore apart.
How are you to handle the shame and embarassment for the rest of your life? Dunno. Same way the teenage children grew up without a proper mother and father married happily together. I'm sure if they can cope, so will you.
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A
female
reader, agneeman  +, writes (28 May 2012):
 well, your very "happiness" is founded on your having stolen someone elses family. You will not believe how angry I am with my moms first husband and his second wife 36 years after this same thing, even though I would not have been born as a result of it. I would rather not be born than have my brother grow up without a father and I am so angry with his wife for just "getting away" with it. Well, if you call becoming the wife of someone you know for a fact can not be faithful to a wife. Your reward is your punishment.I'm sorry this is just rich, what the heck do you expect? I'm sorry but its not like you don't deserve it, so I don't feel a bit sorry for you. Its actually arrogant of you to want anything else, how would you feel?Actually, how DO you feel? Because I can almost garuntee that your husband either has, is, or will be involved in adultery. And even then, I won't pity you one bit.Sorry. Its called Karma
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