A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hey everyone,I guess I am going through some sort of emotional crisis lately. I am 29 and have been single for 3 years now. Basically, I have only had only one long-term relationship in my life, which lasted for 3 years. Breaking up with my ex was a tough decision but things weren't going so well between us. However, little did I know that I was in for loooong dry spell.I was very busy with my career during the first year after my breakup but I have now been actively looking for a girlfriend for 2 years but in vain. Actually, I have met a lot of people in the meantime, but it just didn't click with any of the girls I met (well most of the time, I did not seem to interest them).Most of friends are in relationships, getting married or having babies. I am happy for them, but deep inside, I can feel my heart ache. Whenever I see a couple kissing or holding hands, I feel extremely miserable. Today, in my language course, the theme was about relationships. Everyone was talking about their significant others and I just had to pretend I was dating someone. I felt like a loser...Now, looking at most of my male single friends, I observe how they treat women: cheating on them, having multiple relationships, lying, not replying to their calls, etc. Yet, no matter what happens, they are never short of girlfriends. They have no qualms playing with their feelings and dumping them in order to get a hotter one. They don't burden themselves with ethical and moral questions. They just follow their guts and actively look to have as much fun as possible.Sure, I don't say that I should behave like them. I can't say I am a religious person, but I do have some strong principles (for example, I refuse to have one-night stands as I need to have established a strong connection beforehand). It would also hurt my self-respect if I did such things. For example, I did have a fling with some girl but I had to move out of the country. Such a relationship would not have lasted, so I didn't pursue the matter any longer for both of our sakes. Another example: there have been some "average-looking" girls (if I might say) which expressed an interest in me but I just couldn't feel attracted to them no matter how nice they were. In both of these situations, had it been one of my friends, he would have made the most out of these girls (making them believe that it could last), and then move on to the next one. Sorry but I cannot do that, no matter the amount of sexual deprivement.Maybe my problem is that I am too caring. Sure, it's obvious that I should loosen up my moral standards but I cannot bring myself to "use" someone and then throw that person away. Even if it's not about using the girl (i.e.: she is just interested in sex), I don't see myself totally loosening up and going for it just for the sake of having some fun. I am quite outgoing with people but developing intimacy requires some time for me. I simply do not open myself like that to strangers, but once I do everyone loves my personality :)I have plenty of good female friends who all say how funny and adorable I am, however other girls don't see these qualities in me... Most probably, I am not flirty enough and do not try hard enough. My friends think of chicks and how to bed them 24/24. Sure, it's shallow but it helps being in that type of mentality.Since the beginning of the new year, I took the resolution to be more outgoing. I go to parties, to meetups, I talk to strangers while waiting for friends (when they are late). It's easier than I thought but it does demand a lot of energy from my part. I realised that many people are shy deep within and I find myself taking the initiative for organising events most of the time.I have also been reading PUA (pick-up artist) stuff for many months now. Even though gaming for the sake of gaming does not interest me, it was quite useful to point out my flaws and I understood how my conversations with girls were boring and how I failed to initiate a spark (I always went for the safe boring discussions, heh).My point is that I feel like I am missing out many things in my life. I don't understand how I found myself in that situation and I can't see any way out of it :( It's not that girls are totally uninterested (I do get looks in the street) but I fail horribly at the courting phase (I am working on that though).Has anyone had to struggle the same way as I do? What am I doing wrong? Do you think I should be more laid back and just enjoy life? What I am not also not sure about is whether I should review all my ideals and standards. What I mean is that they haven't helped me become happier as a man. True, I wouldn't be happier if I was doing one-night stands either, but I am trying to figure out some middle ground.This period of singledom did help me understood myself a bit better and also the qualities I seek in a partner. I am mostly for some sense of maturity and, believe it or not, I am having an extremely hard time finding this quality in any of the girls I have met so far.I can occupy myself with different hobbies but it's no fun when being alone. I really need some romance in my life: have someone to exchange my thoughts with, travel with, etc. Loosing up and going with any girl is equal to lust and will not solve my problem. I am looking for a companion whom I can share my interests and feelings.Sorry for the long post. I needed to rant somewhere. I just hope that I manage to find someone at some point. Maybe my whole approach of life is wrong. Even though my post seems desperate, I never show my desperation to others. I am actually quite good at hiding my feelings and people think I am genuinely positive and outgoing. While I am naturally pleasant and funny, I also have a part of sadness and frustration deep inside and it only gets worse with the years as the singles pool is shrinking...Thanks for reading my post and for any tips. Please also share your experiences. They could inspire me :)
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (10 April 2013):
Hi. Unfortunately, you don't really begin to get emotionally close, until you have made love to someone.
It starts to build the emotional connection between two people, which is an important part of any relationship.
Don't ever lower your standards regarding sex, because that is a big mistake.
And one you will regret.
As you pretty much already know the type of girls who you don't see it going anywhere with, well then you need to let that be your guide.
And as you have listed here, all the types of girls who you have dated and which you don't see as girlfriend prospects, well then that gives you a head start.
Because, you know the things you like and you also know the things you don't like in a girl.
And especially, the qualities you don't like, so that narrows down your list, quite a lot.
And that makes the whole process a lot easier.
And unless you do date many different types of girls, you are not going to be able to successfully narrow it down enough to find exactly what you DO want in a future life partner.
It really is the ONLY way to find the one who you want to eventually share the rest of your life with.
So it is an important part of the whole process, to go through dating with a whole bunch of different girls, just to see what is out there.
And each time you do date someone new, you will either ask to see them again, or, you may decide after an hour or so, that you won't be seeing her again.
Each time, it will become easier because you will be consciously looking for certain negative traits that you don't like, as well as any positive qualities that you DO like.
And over time, you will home in on exactly what it is that you DO want - until you find that special someone.
And even if on the first date you aren't quite sure, well then give that girl another chance, by asking her out on a second date, sometime soon.
But leave sex right out of it, until you know if you would like to continue seeing any one girl that you find you are really interested in and who you respect.
And leave sex out of it for at least a few dates with the one girl, until you see how well you are getting along and that the girl feels the same, and if you see that it has some potential to be something serious in the near future.
Then and only then, consider having sex with that girl, if everything seems right to you and her.
So what I am saying, is that you don't rush into having sex with one of the girls you date, just for the sake of having sex.
Now as far as having sex with a female friend who you already know well, well that probably wouldn't be a wise idea, because it could confuse that friend, and also spoil the friendship and maybe destroy it forever.
And so you don't want that, either.
So for now, just start dating a few girls you find interesting and who are interested in you, and just see how you get along, and if you want to see them again - good.
And if not, because there is something about them you can't really tolerate, well then one date is all there is.
With time, you will find your way, for sure.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again everyone for the repliesI took some time this week-end to think about things in general in the light of your contributions. My problem is twofold: my vision of casual sex and my standards with women (sorry if it looks like an essay, lol).A) Vision of casual sexSo, as Samueza says, I have had this dual vision about sex:1) either it's "clean" and done in the relationship;2) or it's "dirty" and achieved through trickery.There is of course a "middle ground" between these 2 options, which is casual sex outside a formal relationship. I have always assimilated this type of sex as "dirty".Why?Let's say this is part of my moral compass. Me and my ex were both (late) virgins when we met. Yet, I regret nothing as our first time was motivated by love and tenderness for each other. We both appreciated the fact that we kept this special moment for our first love. Similarly, I want sex to be treasured as something special you are not giving away to anyone. Moreover, it shows one's true character: discipline, self-restraint and self-respect.I do not think it is a good thing to be too easy on that front (again, this is applicable only to me; I don't expect other to follow the same rules). However, I would like to find a partner with a similar mindset as it is hard to build a trusting relationship when the other has been fooling around and treating her body too lightly.In short, I find casual sex to be degrading, unfulfilling and emotionally damaging, while I want my relationships to be meaningful.I do however admit that everyone has sexual needs and that good sex is amazing. The bad part is that I am missing on that because I am single. The only way to get out of this vicious circle is to change my mindset.Now, let's look with contradictions in my way of thinking.Let's suppose that one of my single female friends suggested that we had casual sex, what would I do?This is a hard question to be frank. It is possible that my dry spell would cloud my judgement and that I would accept.Why would I do that when it goes against my moral compass?I don't really know. The reason may be that since I know the person better than a total stranger, then I would have a sufficient connection to get more physical.The risk would of course be that I might ruin my friendship and that I would also I would "burn" myself in the process (expecting a relationship while it's only sex).Following the observations above, it is worth asking myself whether I should reconsider my views on casual sex (if done with a person I know for example). Would that make me happier? Truth is that I do not know...B) My standards with womenI have been told that I exclude people too easily. However, being almost 30 and having already been in a long-term relationship, I know more or less the qualities I look in a girl.I just want someone that is emotionally stable and happy in life. I cannot stand arrogant people or people who are just gloomy and negative about everything as I am generally apositive person (somethimes cynical and satirical though, lol). I have met some girls like that but they were in couple alreadyHere are some examples of the girls I dated since I became single (I have stayed friends with some of them):1) a gold-digger2) a high maintenance superficial girl (she had her own money compared to the previous one)3) a grumpy girl that judged everyone3) a girl that was very pretty but dumb as a rock (seriously, all our common friends think the same about her)4) a girl that was lazy and demanding (she was unemployed for a long time and was still picky when applying for jobs despite her average qualifications)5) a girl that was a tomboy6) a pretty and educated girl but who was a complete sports fanatic (I do some sport but not extreme sports like her - we were also incompatible on other aspects)7) a girl who cannot stay at home under any circumstances and always needs to be outsidedoing something (must be some extraverted type, but totally incompatible with me)8) a girl that hates going out (agoraphobic maybe?)9) a girl that only thinks about studying and cannot talk about anything else10)a pathological mythomaniacAnd of course, I also met some who were just trying to mess with my feelings to boost their ego and some other girls that were kinda cold or boring (it just didn't click).I encountered all these persons in all kinds of social contexts (friends, parties, uni, etc.). Is it my fault if I fell upon weirdos such as the ones I mentioned? Does it make me too picky for not accepting to date them?Once I see a major turn-off, I find it almost impossible to reverse my judgement regarding the girl in question and I give up on the dating.Someone told me I should join charity activities and I would meet like-minded people. Given my results so far, I might as well try that (but it seems kinda lame and phoney to join a charity just for this reason...).Concerning the meetups I have been, these are generally meetups for expatriates. It's very interesting as I get to meet people from all the countries of the world. If people get along together, they also do other activities (hiking, cultural events, cooking, dancing, etc.). The meetups usually consist in having some drinks at a bar. However, I noticed that most of the population is composed of people in their late 30s and early/mid 40s who seem desperate to find a partner. It sometimes get awkward, believe me... Some of the girls of my age are weird and don't exchange any contact info with anyone. Why do they even bother coming to the events is a mystery... As far as I am concerned, I am mainly networking and all the betterif I meet someone I like. I met some girls there, who I plan on seeing again but it's still very recent.So, my question here is whether I should start going with the flow (dating for the sake of dating) even if I sense this will lead nowhere?I have got 2 problems with that:1) It is dishonest behaviour as the other person can have expectations after a couple of dates;2) I would be forcing myself against my inner judgement and feelings, which is a recipe for disaster.It doesn't take me too long to realize whether I am compatible with one person. Of course, this brings to a situation where I am not dating anyone in the end...Should I lower my standards just to have a semblance of romance in my life? Would that also make me happier in life?CONCLUSION (almost there ;p)To conclude, there are 2 parts of me that I am considering changing:1) Changing my whole approach to sex. I guess casual sex with a stranger is a no-no and casual sex with a friend is a possibility (that's just a theoretical assumption).2) Lowering my standards and date any girl hoping that my feelings towards her will evolve (or just for not being alone). I am also split about that one. Engaging myself in successive relationships that go to an dead-end will exhaust me emotionally. As I said before, I want my relationships to matter and dating for the sake of dating is not likely to make feel better.What are your views on these 2 questions? Do you think changing these 2 aspects of my life make me any happier? Looking at my friends (both male and female) who jump from relationship to relationship (also counting casual sex), they do seem content with their lives (maybe it is also because they are less self-conscious)...Yet, I do feel like I am missing out on life...Thanks for reading my essay (don't be too harsh grading it ;p)Again, your advice and experiences are valuable and helpful to me
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2013): Sometimes you need to lower your standards. If a girl has an average appearance but meets most/all of the important qualities AND she seems interested in you, give her a chance. This is called compromise. Relationships do not last without the occasional compromise. In your case, one may never start unless you can learn to compromise.You can fall in love with who a person is. You can love another person so deeply, so profoundly that their inner beauty outshines their outwardly average physical appearance. You are searching for a deep spiritual connection. You desire a life-long companion. If you find yourself drawn to a woman, if you are intrigued by her, if the only thing stopping you from giving her a chance is her average appearance, please give her a chance.Appearances fade with age, but the bond of companionship grows stronger over time. When you do finally fall in love (you haven't experienced it yet, i can assure you of this) you will be blinded by it. Even if she is average, you will be in awe of how perfect she is for you.
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A
male
reader, nick20  +, writes (3 April 2013):
Hey there. First of all, let me tell you that you're not alone in this mess.I recognize myself almost entirely in what you wrote: I recently turned 30, had only one important long-term relationship (about 2.5yr) and a few flings here and there, with true romantic attachments to a handful of women. My ethics just go against me trying to bed girls for the sake of bedding them; I need to connect romantically with a person before I can have with them. Most of my friends are either in LTR or married. I feel like I missed on tons of opportunities.Unlike you though, I can open up pretty fast (often times too fast) when I meet somebody I really like. Unfortunately, so far, none of these relationships have panned out. The last one ended very recently, and triggered tons of questions and added introspection on what the ^^^k I'm doing wrong, with girls and/or my life to be 30 and single when the jerk next door has kids and married twice (joking.) If I look objectively at myself, I'd say I'm a decent guy, in good shape, smart, kind, good to be around, I have friends etc. I will just assume you're the same; add to that millions of other single guys out there. So what is the problem with us?Unfortunately, I don't have the answer to that question. After thinking a hell of a lot about it and reading similar feedbacks on a bunch of forums, I have a couple of hypotheses though:1- selfless personality / low self-esteem issue. These two sometime go hand in hand with needy, or the temptation to put the partner on a pedestal (something I do), especially if the partner has a stronger personality / is more self-centered / has higher self-esteem / is more emotionally independent (I said independent, not necessarily stable.) And it makes sense that the selfless type is attracted to the self-centered, to some extent. In my case, I can rapidly idealize that type of woman, especially if she's got the brains that go with it. Plus, the self-less type defines themself a lot more based on external things ("what do people think of me") than the self-centered, which is more self-sufficient. That personality type creates a sense of vulnerability. People can feel and experience that; your SO can sense and see that, it's not something one can hide for long.2- attraction to the wrong type of girls (in my case, the girls I'm deeply attracted to and fell in love with were had big emotional issues; and I think I want to 'fix' them, for some reason, to earn their love and have them love me.) Do you have a pattern? What is it? Do you know why you're looking for this type of girl?3- bonus (yay): late 20s/ early 30s means added social pressure to find a _stable_ SO.Recently, I was having the same thoughts you mentioned in your message, and was discussing that with a friend: how can one become more happy-go-lucky, loosen up A LOT, not care about consequences, just go with the flow, be more emotionally detached and just happier with the way things are (happy when single, happy when in couple.) I don't think you can (or even want) become a 'jerk' and just don't give a care about women. I don't even know if it's possible. But you may want to do a lot of introspection, be less hard on yourself. Meditation can help. I'm exploring various paths; it's going to be tough, but after years of dry-spells and heart breaks, I came to the conclusion that my next relationships may very well be the same if I don't try to change something in me now.Think about 1) and 2). Are you anything like that?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (3 April 2013):
Hi there. In your earnest to find someone to share your life with, it is entirely possible, that you might be trying too hard.
And as it has been 3 years since your last relationship, and you feel that you are really missing out in the romance stakes, that is also making you even more frustrated in your search, which in turn makes you less than relaxed around people generally, and especially around attractive females.
And when you don't feel completely relaxed, well then you can't truly shine at being you, in the way you would normally.
Your female friends, have told you that you are fun to be with, and they like you, so you just need to relax enough to let those great qualities shine with possible soulmates.
You are still only quite young, so don't start thinking you will miss the boat, because that just isn't true.
You said you have hobbies, and they can amuse you, but if they are hobbies that don't require you to leave your house to meet up with other hobbyists, well then they won't assist you in finding a nice young lady to start dating.
Still do those hobbies though, and especially if you enjoy doing them.
Perhaps you could consider doing some volunteer work with a local charity, in some of your free time.
Check out volunteer work on the internet, if you have access to the internet, which I guess you probably do.
This is a fantastic way to meet other like minded people - of all ages, and make some new friends - and at the same time, you are helping those less fortunate than yourself.
And helping others is a very fulfilling way to make a difference in the world.
And you can meet lots of lovely people at the same time.
You never know, you might meet someone you like there.
Or, through friends you make there, that might lead you to meeting others, and to an opportunity for romance.
It is very much a case of keeping all your options open.
It's possible to meet people in all different kinds of situations.
Such as:-
(1) Bus stops
(2) Train stations
(3) In a bank waiting in a queue
(4) Waiting to cross the road at a set of traffic lights
(5) Waiting in a queue at the supermarket checkout
There are so many possibilities in life, they are virtually endless.
Meeting girls at places where they sell alcohol, is most likely going to result in meeting someone halfway through the night, who is three-quarters drunk!
So that's not much good to you.
And as well as the possibility of helping out at a local charity, at other times, you could start some interests that take you away from home, where you have to go somewhere to meet, to pursue the interest.
And of course, an interest that would appeal to both men and women, which gives you even more opportunity to meet young ladies as well as making friends.
And by doing that, it gives you many chances to meet lots of people, and the more people you meet and make friends with, the better are your chances of meeting some nice young ladies.
Another thing to keep in mind when you meet women, is to focus only on friendship to begin with.
Because, you at first have to see if you get along with each other, and what common ground you both share.
And if things flow pretty smoothly, well then in time, friendship might evolve into a romantic relationship.
You just never know.
So it might be a really wise idea, to take the focus off being in a boyfriend and girlfriend relationship - right out of the equation, altogether.
And that way, it takes any pressure off the whole situation, as there will be no expectation by you.
And when you only focus on making friends - with everyone - you will almost certainly find that everything runs a whole lot more smoothly.
At the moment for you, it could have been that every time you meet a nice girl, you keep thinking to yourself, and maybe hoping as well, that it will become a boyfriend and girlfriend type relationship.
And when you do that, it changes how you act, and you become anxious, because you start second guessing yourself, and wondering if you are doing things right, or if you are boring them, and in the process you lose yourself and don't really give yourself a chance to shine.
And you can only shine and be your best self, when you are confident and completely relaxed and at peace with the world.
And so you might just be lacking a little self confidence, and the more so, as more time goes by.
You are judging yourself rather harshly, and unnecessarily.
So my real answer to you, is to just relax and be yourself and concentrate first, on making lots of friends - without any expectation.
Because, it is the expectation, that gets in the way of what could potentially become something really special.
In any case, you need to be good friends first, for it to ever get to the point of romance.
That way you build a solid foundation for what could be a truly wonderful, relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2013): I am on the same boat with you! I am 29 but it has been more than 4 years since I had a meaningful relationship. I just wanted to say that you are not the only person feeling this way. I used to think that I should be patient and things will get better. I am not sure if they will. I tell myself everyday that there is a lot more to life than just being with someone but a part of me says otherwise:) Maybe I am just a gooey romantic. I sometimes think that I feel lonely not because I do not have a boyfriend but I do not have anyone to have a deep conversation with. Maybe that's what you are lacking as well? And I am guilty of choosing the same type of people over and over again. You might be doing the same thing but I feel like I need to be really desperate to lower my standards.
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