A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I split up with my boyfriend in Feb. We were together nearly 20'years but we had a rocky relationship as he has a lot of issues. He had a rebound relationship pretty quickly after we ended and now he has split from his girlfriend. He got in touch this week out of the blue saying he missed me and that he's getting treatment for his issues.Not sure what to make of it all so looking for some advice please.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2016): You don't explain what his issues are that lead to the breakup. The length of time you were together is not as important as the quality of the relationship over the years. Did it get progressively better, or worse?
People with a lot of problems promise you the moon to cancel your decision to dump them. Sometimes it's a power-play and attempt to override your decision to let them go. Being rejected is an affront to the ego. If they weren't concerned enough about the relationship to work on their problems and allowed things to escalate to a breakup; you better think long and hard.
If you rushed to judgment and made a bad-call, maybe you aren't good for him. You shouldn't take drastic measures without fully considering the ramifications and how you can damage what you had; even if you do get back together.
Nostalgia and loneliness will cloud the judgment after a breakup, and people tend to second-guess their decision. It's not easy to detach from a long-term relationship; but yours is not a marriage. In fact, after being together so long, why wasn't marriage considered? That should offer you something to think about before considering a reconciliation. Settling for a hot mess because you don't trust yourself is just not clear logical thinking.
Abusive partners, addicts, alcoholics, sex-addicts, people with poorly-managed/untreated serious mental-disorders, and criminals are not good candidates for reconciliations. They are often liars and require a lot of rehabilitation before considering to take them back. They know finding someone to put-up with their issues is difficult. They can be very persuasive and manipulative. They often will change for a short-time, and revert to their old-ways once they realize how weak you are in your resolve, and know you'll take them back with just the right words and pleading.
Say the L-word to most women who have been abused; and they'll forgive beatings and assault like it never happened. Sometimes it's out of fear, exhaustion, weakness of character, and low self-esteem. Or, sheer stupidity.
Weight all the pros and cons. Don't let your hormones or your heart make the decision. Use logic and your common-sense. The heart can be foolish, and is usually why people take awful people back; and the drama continues. Only to lead to another breakup, even more devastating than the last. Sometimes people end-up dead, because of poor judgment and sentiment. Fear of being alone; or the presumption having a bad boyfriend or girlfriend is better than not having one at all. That falls under stupid.
Consider the reason you broke-up. Can he fix it over-night? Are you an indecisive person, given to self-doubt or fear?
In the highest percentage of breakups, people were always incompatible; or changed and became incompatible. If your differences haven't changed, what is the point of taking him back? If he loves you so much, why didn't he change before you sent him packing?
Offer him your support from a safe-distance. Give him a probationary period to correct his issues; then consider reconciliation after you can see the consistency in his change over time.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 September 2016):
 You where together such a long time, so why after all that time did his issues effect you? Was it building up for a long time? Making you unhappy for a long time? Or was his issues recent to the break up?
Rebound relationships happen, he wanted to fill that void in his life, but obviously she was not the one for him.
20 years a long time, and you where both together so young, you need to honestly think about letting him back in your life. Where you with him out of habit? How have you been since the break up? Do you feel that if you go back now that it will be because he is getting help and not because you have missed him a lot. These are questions you need to ask yourself before getting back in contact with him. Can you see yourself with him for the rest of your life?
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