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Should I worry my wife might be gay because she watchs lesbian porn before sex??

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Pornography, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (25 January 2008) 8 Answers - (Newest, 15 May 2008)
A male United States age 51-59, anonymous writes:

My wife watches lesbian porn before we have sex. Do i have to worry if she is a lesbian????

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008):

Lesbian porn focuses more on the female genitalia than het porn does, which is mostly cock cock cock, so perhaps this is her reason? She gets to fantasize about her own bits being played with so she is turned on by it. It probably has nothing to do with the gender of the participants involved.

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A male reader, Namatjira United Kingdom +, writes (17 February 2008):

There are so many dynamics that could be at play here and you have not provided enough information to narrow it down. Clearly it is bothering you a lot and so the very least is that you should talk with her about it. Do not be confrontational and do take the approach of telling her how it makes you feel, both about yourself and the concern you have for the relationship. Also choose your time carefully, when you are out shopping or about to go out for the evening is not good timing. Also make sure that neither of you have been drinking before you talk about it as you both should have clear heads and reduce the risk of what should be a frank discussion about feelings turning into a row over other things.

While what you describe would not bother some men it would bother others. You might get an indication from whether or not she wants you to share this with her or if it is something she feels the need to do alone. Maybe it is only an aid to her fantasies and many people never act on their fantasies. However it might also indicate something deeper that should be addressed.

You should also face the real possibility that if the deeper problem is her coming to terms with a bi-sexual or lesbian personal identity, then your relationship will change and how you react and try to understand will have a huge effect on how well it evolves for your both.

I am one of those guys who would actually like to be in a relationship with a bi-sexual woman. Don't ask me why - it is just the way I feel and certainly the best girlfriends I have been with in the past have been this way. I also know that other male friends of mine would not be able to deal with it and in one case I know this was the cause of his marriage breaking down.

If at some point she says that she has discovered that she is lesbian there is nothing you can do but accept it and to try and at least stay friends in support of each other. Deal with that gracefully at the time and you may still be able to maintain a positive relationship albeit a different one.

The important thing is not to try and cross your bridges before you get to them. You must talk with her (not at her) and explain how uncertain it makes you feel. I would also suggest that you tell her that if you feel safe in the relationship, enough to not feel threatened by this activity of hers, then you would sooner share it than lose her. (of course you must be sincere and if you do not or cannot feel this way then don't claim to be able to do so - she will know)

Good luck

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A female reader, welshbrunette United Kingdom +, writes (5 February 2008):

welshbrunette agony auntAbsolutely not!.......

Just because she feels turned on by watching two women together does not make her a lesbian...If you were to ask alot of women the same question and they answered TRUTHFULLY they would agree. It's more of finding the woman form attractive...same as we know when a woman we pass in the steet is attractive or not. Doesn't mean we want to ask her for her number... Just relax and enjoy your time together, if she was a lesbian she wouldn't want you anywhere near you...

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A male reader, mic123 +, writes (30 January 2008):

mywife also watched lesbian porn often but always pleasured herself while doing so. i wasnt concerned attal and found it a turn on. she often fantasisied about women even her friends. she left me suddenly a year ago giving no reason. we had no problems and i do wonder if she may be gay. she refuses to talk about why she went, so yes it could be a concern.

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A female reader, Cherriepie United States +, writes (25 January 2008):

Cherriepie agony auntNo hunny, watching lesbian porn doesnt make you gay. But it might be she is curious. I am Bi and share watching lesbian porn with my boyfriend. It doesnt interfere with our relationship. I know some girlfriends watch it with their guys too, and althougn I kind of wonder....they are not sleapping with other girls either. Its just easier and freer for us girls to watch girls fucking each other...as opposed to when guys watch gay porn, which ususlly means thay are gay. I wouldn't worry about it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008):

Hi Hunny,

If its everytime then yes its a worry and I would talk to her about it, If its occationally then thats not so bad. But from the way you have written your question it seems as if this is worrying you alot so hunny I would sit down and have a chat with her so you no were you stand TAKE CARE LOVE MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2008):

Lots of women watch lesbian porn, nothing new there. But she needs to get out the habit of watching it before sex

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A female reader, hlskitten United Kingdom +, writes (25 January 2008):

hlskitten agony auntWhat does she say?

If she needs to do that before everytime you sleep together then surely thats a bit of a worry?

I know plenty of people that like watching gay porn but are straight though. I would be more concerned if she needed to watch porn to get turned on every time.

C xxxxx

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