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Should I wait to date until I’m completely over my ex? Or is it impossible to be completely over an ex so I might as well date?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, The ex-factor<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 March 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 9 March 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

Hi I was dumped about six months (We dated for about a year and I genuinely believe we were in love) ago after we went travelling for a month and had lots of stressful arguements but a couple weeks later he told me he missed me and that he didn't want to be with anyone else.

We were on again/ off again for a few months before finally I realised that he wasn't planning to get back together so I told him that I wasn't going to be with him anymore if he didn't see a future.

I didn't see him for about a month after that and I thought I was over him. We have the same group of friends as we work together and when I saw him after that all my feelings rushed back. I didn't want to just sleep with anyone to feel better as I'm pretty sure it would have just made me feel worse so I swore not to date or have sex until I was 100% over this guy.

However a couple more months passed and I still wasn't anymore over this guy, yet he'd started treating me as if I didn't exist. When we'd hang out as a group or at work he wouldn't make any eye contact or talk to me which if anything made it worse.

Eventually I found a guy I like who seems pretty great and we've had a few great dates and I really like him. However whenever I see my ex I just forget about the new guy and even though hes great he just has something missing that my ex does.

My questions is should I wait to be 100 % completely over my ex before I date or is it impossible to be 100% over and therefore should continue to date this guy until I am over my ex?

View related questions: at work, get back together, my ex

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (9 March 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntYou will never allow yourself to get over him if you keep in contact with him all the time. I understand it is difficult when you are in the same group of friends and you work together but you need to try harder to stay away from him and avoid him. He is treating you really unfairly at the moment so hopefully that makes it easier for you in the long run.

Personally I would keep casually dating the other guy and take your time. You don't need to rush in to a relationship you are only young so take your time and get to know the other guy. It might work out, it might not. But it is a healthy distraction from your ex.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2018):

I think now is the time sweetie you start looking for a new group of

People to socialise with some of the time . I’m not saying dump your friends but as a mental health worker - who was working with an addict I would say to be able to heal and get better . You would need to evaluate holistically all your life and look at changes necessary to move on and be a more whole person. At the minute this is like self emotional torture ?!

You work in the same department so radically moving from there may not be possible but you can put in some boundaries . For instances you see your friends without him present .. you met on a different night . You leave those nights for him ( it will surely get up his nose when he sees you not taking an interest)

Make new friends with the guy your seeing - if you give this time who knows where it will go . If however you feel after doing this - that you and your new guy are more friends let him know .

Your hankering over something that isn’t there and if I were you I would be absolutely disgusted if he was ignoring me . Maybe you need to get mad and get even by showing him you don’t give a flying frig. At the minute he still knows he still has a hold ..

Take care and we are here to listen

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (8 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntPersonally? I'd prefer to "be over" an ex before jumping into something new.

It DOES make it hard because you have the same social circle but it should Also make it easier to GET over him when you look at how he has treated you.

It's OK that he was a special person in your life at some point, but he isn't any longer. Because HE isn't IN TO you no more. And it's OK that you still have a little hurt left, no one likes rejection.

However, WHY should you stop living your life because HE dumped you? Why give him that power over you?

This new guy may not be a good match long term, but let's be honest? Your ex doesn't sound like he was THAT great of a guy for you either.

That is what the dating process is all about. Finding someone who is a good match FOR you both.

So IF you enjoy this new guy, I'd say keep seeing him and MINIMIZE all contact with the ex. Maybe even skip some of the group hang outs where he is bound to be.

BUT... and this is a big one. IF you don't REALLY feel this new guy, don't keep dating him to HAVE a BF. That isn't fair on him, OK?

Being single is really NOT that bad.

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A female reader, Aunty Susie Australia + , writes (8 March 2018):

Aunty Susie agony auntIt's time to move on. Definitely start dating, you don't have to get serious. You are young and should be enjoying getting to know lots of different people. And I don't mean having sex with lots of different people. You'll know when you're ready to have a sexual relationship with someone special. It may not lead to love, but then again, it just might. Relax and enjoy life.

Take care xx

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom + , writes (8 March 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntWait until you're over him. You *can* get over people 100% and it's not fair to any new guys if you're not over the last one.

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